oh well, this is not the first time in my life that I have an emotional roller-coaster (emotional nosedive, to be accurate, but this is the worst) and it is also because of this, that I found that I probably have Asperger's. So here's the thing, I think (now more than ever) that my older brother, who have a lot of problem in life, especially in education and socializing, have a form or so of ASD, and because of that, my parents always tell me to study hard so that whenever my brother's in trouble, I can always help him, whether financially or emotionally, assuming that I was "normal" (contrary to my feelings though, I've had already known something's amiss since I was 13 or 14 but I got on with it then) and disaster strikes because of my parents', and other families' members , ideals. I was studying Natural Sciences in a college a year ago, and finally decided to take on Astronomy, a topic which has enchanting me since my childhood, with the specific goal of being a cosmologist in the future, but my parents and family wants me to be, well, somebody wealthy, because of their obscured ideals that if you have money, you're happy (yeah, I'm a Chinese descendant, go figure). therefore, after a year in that college, I was bailed out and forced to choose, entering engineering and then have master in business, or (something I figured by myself) go to Med School and become a doctor (which is, put in mind, much more scientific rather than being a businessman). And of course, since my Asperger's wasn't diagnosed (and I know hardly anybody who understands this in my social environment) people act as if I am a "normal" kid with some problems (okay, talking about cosmology to attract the opposite sex in junior high is "normal" plus a bit of problems) or just an over-intelligent kid gone mad, but I didn't think much of it back then, I enjoyed my life, verily. I found my happiness in books and the structures of the universe, from the grandiose of the superclusters and galaxies, to the utmost minute parts of an atom, this things fascinates me, and they were the ones who keep me from crumbling. I've set my eyes to the ToE (Theory of Everything, if you must know) and now I'm here separated away from my dreams, and I was crying myself a helluva times in the previous 3 months, and then I thought I found a remedy, I've fell in love with a girl from my old campus, and one can't be blamed suspect her to also have Asperger's (well, she's quirky, and a bit masculine), we were both Atheists and interested in Physics and other Sciences, and it all went so well, so well before she found a boy with a motorcycle who would want to take her anywhere she wants without being exposed to the elements (mind the third world notion here). And of course, since I've always knew how I was so different from the NT, and how I was hated and bullied, I've come to hate those who can't accept my arguments and reasoning, which also means, I perceived most of mankind to be expendable and worthless (once you have a hell for a life, things like this happens to you). And because of her lovely face (contrasted to her potty mouth, oops) she rarely experience these kind of troubles, even though she have some behaviours that are typical to Aspies. Oh well, women do have it easier, since their charm and beauty can hypnotize even the most callous of men. But hell, she broke up, and yeah, it wasn't a proper relationship, and our friendship took toll from it. Our conversations, which have previously been nice and well, has broken down and I'm sad for it, I rarely find someone who I can talk so openly with. And with that in addition to my "bailed-out-from-Astronomy" my life suddenly crumbles, I, who once have so much pride in his intelligent, suddenly views it with hatred, I depressed so much because I have no more things that I can do, normally I would jump down into physics problems and be satisfied, but now, I have Pathology, Pharmacology, Anatomy, and a bunch of other s**ts I'm not so interested in as a big homework, which just like a cherry on the top of the cake. And then, I've found what Asperger's is, I've found it when I want to self-diagnose my own depression, and found that no single one fits my description, and then I went to buy a book about Asperger's (which is "Look Me in The Eye" and quite accidentally) and found that, "hell, this is what I've been having all along" and then googled my way here, but my problems still exist, I sometimes love my Asperger's but at other times hated it, because it obstructed all of my ways into happiness, I, being Aspergian, can't just flex my will into being a Physician, and I lack the social skills to have new best friends (who are studying abroad by now) or having a girlfriend (even the like-minded one), this is frustrating, my life's problem is caused by my AS, and yet the solution will also come from it, and realizing that is the one which makes me feel like a roller-coaster now. Oh and Thank You for reading this.
24 Jan 2010, 2:11 pm
