Just so freaking angry today.....

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Okay......biggest rant ever with lots of CAPITAL letters. and angry faces and I shall keep the cursing to the minimum.......

My chronic physical health issues are taking SO LONG to get better.

Feeling REALLY sick at the moment and completey FED UP!! !! !

My son is doing my FREAKING head in and is comletely selfish and couldn't care laess if the world imploded as long as he has his friends and bloody mobile phone

My mother, after banging on about my physical health issues today and exercise and vitamins and stuff I have heard a HUNDRED TIMES!! !, says to me you HAVE to see Avatar on the big screen in 3D........I have serious inner ear damage which gives me severe vertigo, I HATE loud noises and surround sound and people and complete darkness with just this big lit up screen in front of me.......it makes me feel SICK!! !! ! I would love to see Avatar because it sounds awesome......but not so awesome if I have to leave after the first 10 minutes from throwing up and waste $40 bucks!! !! !

And all I wanted to do was ring her and tell her what my surgeons had said and it turned into this big dissection when I do NOT WANT TO TALK. Just wanted to pass on the info because she was concerned......

My friends are complete w*kers at the moment and I hate the STUPID HUMIDITY RIGHT NOW!! !! !! !

Why can't someone just hug me gently and say "I understand" and FREAKING MEAN IT!! !!

God, I feel alone and angry and sick and tired.......over it, over it, over it.

Mics

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mics))))))))))))))))))))))))
I understand.
I really think I do.
Are people trying to fix you?
I once paid a psychologist to teach me to say, "I don't want to talk about that."
You sound shattered, frayed, exhausted. I wish you peace & rest & release from pain.

Hello Mics, I also understand and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I am not at my best either right now and it seemed like no one was listening. If you would like someone to talk to, you may send me a PM; perhaps we could help each other. Humidity? We have 2 feet of snow here! I would love to trade for humidity! Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

Hi claradoon and greenturtle,

Thanks so much for your support and warmth and understanding. Really needed that.......

My fiance is the only person I have in my life that really tries to listen to me. That he believes that in order for us to grow as people, that he needs to try hard to understand and listen to where I am coming from.

Sometimes it can take me up to 3 weeks if not longer to prepare a statement about feelings. If something is on my mind, I like to deliberate and analyse so that when I vocalise it, it is understandable. The process takes a while. It is frustrating for me as I would love to just freely blurt out feelings, but so be it, it has never happened that way for me. So, I take my time and really come up with a valid statement. Sometimes I even write it down so I do not get frightened trying to remember.

When I go to this much effort, out of respect of the listener and knowing the hard work of communication, and the listener questions or disagrees with me, I am FURIOUS and afraid. Feelings are not debatable. Opinions, statements, arguments are debatable so when I say THIS IS HOW I FEEL.......that is EXACTLY what I mean. Not, "Oh you can't feel that way" or "This is why you might feel that way" or" If you do this differently, or try harder than you will not feel this way". Why is it even open to interpretation? When I say something, THAT IS WHAT I MEAN!! !! !! ! I have just taken 3 weeks to put this together, you moron!! !! I do not need to talk and talk and talk about it.......it just is!! !

I have spent my whole life trying so hard to listen to people because I feel that if I am sharing some level of intimacy with them, then they deserve to be understood to the best of my ability.........it is SO tiring, but I have done it over and over anyway. Because I CARE and because I want to give it a go. Doesn't mean I am interested but I really try. So why is it SO difficult for people to try as hard with me? I said to my partner last night "Am I NOT worth being listened to?" I do not need people to understand, but I do expect that if they love me, that they can at least sympathise on some level or gently ask me to explain myself better, and if sweat is popping out of my head and I am starting to stutter and fall over my words, then gently hug me, say its okay and come back to it later.

I say to people, I do not want to talk about it, I just needed to vent, but by some invisible force that they are vulnerable to, which I DON"T understand, they are compelled beyond reason to completely ignore my request and go on and on like I am a moron!! ! If someone says to me, I do not want to talk, then SO BE IT!

When I say I do not want to talk about it, it is not avoidance, it is processing. I want to be clear which takes time. When other people say they do not want to talk about it, they sound angry and like they are avoiding it because what they are feeling is unpleasant. So I give them time to think and let them know that I am here for them if they want to talk. Isn't that the way it is done?

I have have had a chronic physical illness for 4 years, with things reaching a physical head at the end of 2007. I am now on a disability payment because I cannot work. The AS dx is relatively new with psychometric testing coming up, so my psychologist and psychiatrist and I can be absolutely clear about WHAT is going on. I am mildly sick most of the time with good and really bad days. I am on hormone replacement and so on. For the last 2 weeks I have been sicker than usual and the docs yesterday told me why. It is not life threatening, but it is getting worse(sorry, very long story). I have been saying to my friends when they ask me how I am. I say "I am very sick at the moment" and they either go on to another topic or just think "Whats new?"

I will tell you whats new!! Last month I felt mildly ill with good and bad days and said so. This month I am feeling very sick. Can you see the difference in the values between feeling mildly sick and very sick? So would you not think to yourself "My friend has gone from feeling mildly sick to very sick. I shall ask her if she is okay and if anything has changed for her."

Thats how I think........am I wrong? I do not equate the same feeling with a new feeling IF THE DESCRIPTION OF THE FEELING HAS CHANGED!! !

Phew.........still ranting, aren't I. Sorry for making your ears bleed, and sounding so angry.........and thank you for listening.

Mics

(((((((Hugs)))))))

My sister used to be the same way, as your son. Only caring about her friends and going on about the latest music and trying to get my parents and I interested. She's long since, grown up and things are a lot better for my parents and I.

I hope that things get better for you, soon.

Shelby AKA Mick