Smile control failure. Frak frak frak.

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I just came back from the wedding of a close relative. Long waits, a crowd of 150 people, long ceremonies, loud music, being surrounded by strangers.... During the entire time I spent a ton of effort on maintaining a face which merely looked "serious" instead of "homicidal".

I thought I had this down. Last year I had a much easier time putting on the happy mask which made me look as normal as everyone else. I have video footage to prove it. COMPLETE NORMALCY.

But this time I was cut off from communicating with most of the table, and I am not a good yeller. I tried to talk to the guy to the left of me, but he ignored me. I'm 32, but this was high school all over again. Of course it didn't help that I was anywhere from 4 to 10 years older than the people at the table. In one case, 16.

They didn't see me as one of their own, and I didn't really try. I tried with two of them in the past (brothers of the bride), but they were doing the whole "too cool to reply to you" thing. I don't forgive that to people, unless I know them really really well. These guys are pretty much dead to me now.

Of course this is also just past Valentine's day, and I made the mistake of letting my parents drive me. I should've taken my own car, which would not make me feel like a complete dependent loser. This in addition to not having a significant other, which most guys there had.

We read our speeches, mine hit all the right notes. It was short, funny and touching. That's because I composed it way in advance.

I danced, even. With my aunt. But with who else ? I didn't have any female friends there, and I'd rather shoot myself than dance with my mother or sister (nothing personal toward them, but that's just too much "loser syndrome" to handle).

At the end of the day, one of the bride's brothers, in front of me, something like 23 years old, stretched his mouth with his fingers into a smile and then said something about me looking serious the whole evening. I shrugged. At that point I had no shields and pretense left. I don't really find him even remotely interesting, and I don't see us having heart-to-hearts in the future, EVER.

In short, I feel like I regressed 10 years into the past, and this occasion was a complete failure in acting. But I f*****g hate acting. If I ever get married we'll have an H.R. Giger Cake and lightsaber fights. f**k tuxedos, f**k obnoxiously loud pop music, f**k having so many people.

This is not me, and it will never be me.

You know ?

Yes. I'm okay at immediate family gatherings but if it's large and involves people I don't know I'm pretty awkward. Nobody is aggressive enough to order me to smile, thankfully, but I still look like I'm stranded standing there. I'm old enough to be used to that kind of stuff but I don't think I ever will be. I honestly don't see how people can stand it. I can't wait to get home to comfortable clothes and be alone.

I'm with you there, dude.
Events of that kind are so awkward. I've never been to a wedding, but I have been to several funerals. (Mostly for people I don't even know.)
In order to stay calm and relaxed, I tend to think about things that I enjoy doing (reading, watching youtube, etc.) I have this awful habit of letting my mind wander to those activities without regulating my expression, and unbeknownst to me, my maniacal grin will make an appearance. FANtastic, right? I'm standing by myself trying not to be conspicuously out of place or weird at a funeral, and I'm sporting the Cheshire cat smirk.
My mother always forces me to interact... I gather from her speeches that this demand is in the interest of her reputation.
Add that to the stress of being in a crowd, and the next person I try to engage in conversation either ignores me completely or speaks with me and then leaves with the uncanny sense of having conversed with Hannibal Lecter incarnate.