Inviting D For Dinner

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Today is a bit of a mental health day for me. I may have to take the night off of work tonight so I can recover a bit. But in contemplation I began to wonder something. If I was to get depressed again, would I even know it any more? I could feed it and make it stronger, and perhaps I would revert back to what an emotional wreck I used to be, in another life. But even though I don't do that, and I haven't been genuinely suicidal for many years. I still have concerns that this does not necessarily correlate to a much healthier emotional state. I suppose my extreme level of isolation and the accompanying loneliness exasperate this issue. But the real beating heart of matter is that the opportune word in my life for years now has been another d. D is the letter for the day, and this time it stands for despair. With despair as my companion, depression may arrive or even be here, but it could hide in my closet and I may never know. So, I wonder if I am or have been depressed. Or if I simply just have no hope for anything. The last time I remember having real hope was when I gave my heart to a wonderful woman. And I can say for sure that I will never regret doing so. Alas, the only problem with that is this time, I think I ran out of heart to give when she left with it. You would think that such a vaporous quantity should not have any defined volume. But it seems that I used up the remaining, and I don't have anything left to give. Thus despair is my companion, seemingly without a time limit. I am wizened enough that I can be quite satisfied with my life and what is and isn't included in it. But I do also know myself enough to admit that while I may be satisfied, happiness can only ever be achieved when I give my heart to someone else and they return theirs to me for safe keeping. I'm simply built that way from the ground up. So, I'm sending this diary entry out into the ether, because I needed a mental health moment, hopefully no one will get too bored slogging through the rambling diatribe.

I think you have plenty to give, even if it doesn't seem that way. In my current state (which you know about from another thread) it's hard for me to say, but I have to try because you were kind to me. I'm having trouble with expressing it, I keep backspacing and writing it a different way...but I know despair as well. I just wanted to express my support the best I could.

~Kate

Well, good thing I decided not to call in off of work last night (I work graveyard shift for our patients). I had to be used as the enforcer again. I understand the need to have someone there that's the muscle, but I don't like having to be perceived as so intimidating all the time. That is why they use me, because I'm not scared of anything and apparently I'm a rather intimidating presence. So when one of the other staff gets worried that a patient is about to attack them, or if they do attack them, I get called out to intervene. Sigh, if only they knew how gentle I really am. They would be shocked at how often I just cry from being so alone and from the memories of loves past. I doubt they would have even recognized me when I was married, I was so starry eyed and happy Oh well, at least there is this forum to turn to. Thankfully I didn't have to restrain anyone though, I'm always ten times more concerned about accidentally hurting one of the patients than I am about them hurting me.