It's hopeless

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Maybe some of you have read some of the things I've posted about my husband in another thread. I can't tolerate much more of his constant nagging, criticism and belittling. I feel betrayed because when we met we were 18 and I could swear he *did* accept me then. I don't think I was seeing things the way I wanted to see them. Now we're in our 40s and he has changed a lot. But I can't change. I try. I make up my mind that I will do things differently, and maybe I do in some respects, but it's never enough. Or I screw up and he yells at me. I can't understand what he wants/needs from me, but when I repeatedly ask him, he says I'm talking him around in circles. I am a very intelligent person, but this is something I have no clue about and I fear I never will. I can't care about the house being neat just because he does, which is what he wants. OMG how I've TRIED to be who he wants me to be, but he still says I don't try. Calls me selfish, only interested in what I care about. I'm crying as I type this but I can only do that when I'm alone...a far cry from when I was younger and used to have temper meltdowns. Is that good, or bad?

Anyway, I am getting very depressed. I am already on zoloft, but it's not even touching the pain from this issue in my marriage. I never get told the positive things he used to tell me before, he only harps on the negatives. I am really starting to hate myself. I don't know what to do, because I can't run away and I can't commit suicide because it is wrong to leave my children. Especially my 12 year old who I think has AS, to leave her with him only (even though at the moment she prefers him) seems cruel. We've been married for 27 years and have three kids, so it's not easy to just pick up and leave.

Anyway, I'll stop whining now...
~Kate

You're not whining. You have a real situation. I checked your profile and I see it says undiagnosed.I thought perhaps your husband would cut you some slack if he understood what was going on. It sounds like you have trouble with executive dysfunction. I do myself. I am diagnosed with inattentive ADD but problems with executive dysfunction occurs with AS as well. I understand how difficult seemingly simple things are. There are books to help organize. I've never been able to finish one . You can find information about executive dysfunction andd inattentive ADD online.

What drives me crazy is that in my field of work, I have learned a lot about executive dysfunction, and have explained it ad nauseum to my husband, who doesn't want to hear it. I am diagnosed with combined ADHD, and I am just about positive based on my own training that I also have AS, but I'm kind of scared to pursue an "official" diagnosis because I'm afraid he'd take that as a signal that I can't change and decide he can't live with me.

~Kate

I have no experience with long term relationships and I am 52 so I'm not the one for any wise thoughts. Maybe a counselor could help him understand how his comments affect you.

Have you told him that this behaviour on his part is hurting you?

Have you tried marriage counsilling/couples therapy? It may help you communicate with each other in a healthy manner.

About changing yourself, it's unfair to abuse someone into trying to change (as far as I see it his behaviour is abusive to you). There is no excuse for abuse and just because there are no cuts and bruses doesn't make it unabusive.

Its not easy being miserable for the rest of your life, either. Ultimately you're going to have to decide which hard choice is the one you're most willing to make. Right now you're choosing to remain unhappy. I know breaking out of an established routine situation is very hard, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone all around, but (romantic beginnings aside) I also don't believe that people ever really change. I do believe we have choices in what we do and the decisions we make, but our day-to-day instinctual behaviors are governed by synapses and neurons firing in patterns that remain consistent from the cradle to the grave. Marriage counselors make a living convincing couples that they can be taught to live happily ever after, IMO all that 'therapy' does is delay the inevitable. But I can't cohabit with a human without driving us both completely insane, so what do I know?

For all I know, renting a cabin in the woods and spending a month alone might help you decompress and find some perspective. In any case, I'm sure your kids don't want you to be unhappy. Just don't convince yourself that you're trapped. You have choices, just identify what they are, cull out the positive ones, pick the one you feel is right for you and proceed to implement it. You'll start to feel better once you've become proactive, instead of reactive.

Best wishes!

I am considering taking a trip alone, if I can scrape together the money. Even if it's just a couple of weeks. I really need to temporarily get out of the situation so I can think without getting overwhelmed by the conflict. He's going to have a cow, and accuse me of "dumping the kids on him", but that's just life.

I think what's going on is that way-back-when, he thought he could "fix me" and I mistook that willingness to put up with me for acceptance. I do have redeeming qualities, even if I'm difficult, and I really think he went into the marriage thinking he could change the difficult things (a stupid thing to do, but we were 20 when we got married). When that wasn't the case, and *I* couldn't even change me, he got frustrated and started putting more pressure on, which made me more defensive and now it's totally out of control. That's my "logical" take on the situation. Emotionally I still love him and I don't know how I can make that known. If I say it he says those are just words. I have to *ask* for a hug these days if I want to be hugged, and then the reluctance is palpable. When I try to communicate that it hurts me, he says "well you were distant for so many years and that hurt me blahblahblah". It's like I can't make it right unless I change, and I can't.

I really *wish* he would go to counseling, but he hates therapists. Both his parents were psychologists and he has a very negative attitude. I'm considering going alone, just to deal with this situation without losing it.
~Kate