Any solutions to this self-awareness problem?

Post Reply New Topic

I am a quiet guy who most probably have Asperger's. I have been through tons of bullying all my life from elementary school to university. I have bad social skills when it comes to getting a girlfriend due to how shy and feminine of a person I change into when I am around the person I like. I mean I have had girls asking me out, but I could be unreasonably picky and sometimes I take too long to respond especially when there is someone else around our vicinity. Now, I sometimes think that I would never be able to get together with someone who likes me and whom I like. Other aspects of social life doesn't really concern me since I don't appreciate friendship as much as most people do. (I have like one friend; I still interact with and know other people, but I don't keep in touch with them.)

It's from the bullying, the problems with getting together with a girl and my indifferent attitude towards making friends that I started thinking I have Asperger's. I used to want children, but now I don't because I am afraid of the chance that they would inherit this condition, suffer and become depressed like myself. Seeing how many girls wants to have kids and wouldn't consider dating a feminine guy doesn't lift my spirit up either.

Is there any way that can wind back my memory to before I suspect myself to have Asperger's and start being extremely depressed so that I can have the desire of having kids and a better chance (confidence and want of kids) with getting a wife? Otherwise, should I just give up on having kids and narrow my already few potential mates to girls who do not want kids? Obviously, I would like the answer to the first question be a 'yes'. However, please let me know what you think. Is there a third solution that I haven't thought of? Thanks.

Update:
I like sporty and slightly masculine girls. Maybe I am a lesbian trapped in a male's body. I personally watch girl on girl and girl on guy 'actions'. I like girl on girl more because it tends to be more passionate. Perhaps I am just jealous of girls' physical sensitivity. Pleasuring a girl and experiencing her reactions is also an exciting thought to me. Since I have my male genital, I am disgusted at the possibility that I like men; it's just not natural (2 keys vs a key and a lock), and I want to explore a realm (female body) that I have little knowledge of rather than one that I have been in touch with for 22 years. I am also uncomfortable with the thought of surgically transforming into a girl which would bring in a lot more complexity into my life. Thus, I prefer a somewhat role-reversed relationship with a tomboy.

Update 2:
I might be wrong, but as far as I could analyze myself, I am usually just like the average guy - not too feminine and not too masculine - except I lean towards being introverted and insecure like some others with Asperger's. When I am around a girl I like, I rarely, but not never, blush or cup my face if I am at a desk, though I always become extremely self-conscious and shy which I think is a feminine attribute.

I was only able to walk closely pass and stare at a girl I like in high school and never gotten close enough for her to even reject me since I didn't have the guts to try. In university, I was only able to say that I wanted talk to them about something alone and that I am wondering if they were free in the near future, but in both cases, I was not able to bring up words and phrases like 'love', 'date', 'would you be interested', 'lunch', 'walk', 'movie' etc. Since they rejected me, they must have knew what I was leading towards, and I think the rejections were due to they not liking guys without guts to pull off the whole - not partial - asking out thing. I could never bump into them when no one else is in the same room or in earshot if it is outdoor. Even if I do ever get that chance from now on, I don't know if I'd have enough guts left to truly ask out a girl I like.

Last edited by aldilacuna on 24 May 2011, 10:20 am, edited 10 times in total.

I think you are posing premature questions. You are posing questions about marriage and offspring as a way to position yourself in courtship matters. Actual courtship needs to occur before looking at marriage and offspring.

One issue in your post stands out to me as needing personal exploration before deciding about your marital trajectory (and before trying to date, for that matter):

Am I interpreting this statement correctly:
You are more masculine when you are not with a female you're attracted to. (Being with an attractive woman causes you to behave more femininly; it supresses yor masculinity.)

Assuming my interpretation is correct; I'd recommend that you explore this anomale as a starting point. Find for yourself the answer to these sorts of questions:
- How do I know that I become more feminine when I'm with an attractive woman?
- If I'm truly feminine around the woman I like; am I still really attracted to her?
- Do I enjoy or feel more secure or natural in my feminine mode than my masculine mode?
- If you like your masculine mode better; How can I maintain the integrity of it during stress?
- Am I attracted to any individual women or is it simply the idea of marriage I like?

Here is why I have keyed in on this aspect of your post;
A general (and important) aspect of attraction is that; in the presence of an attractive member of the opposite sex one feels more gender specific.

Men feel more masculine in the presence of an attractive woman.

Women feel more feminine in the presence of an attractive man.

These gender specific feelings are what drive courtship, sexuallity and romantic love; they are extremely pleasant & compelling feelings. Without this, heterosexual attraction cannot truly occur.

I'm not sure that there isn't an unquestioned assumption in that statement. Men feel like doing whatever feels most likely to get them laid in the presence of an attractive woman. There are a number of variations possible on the psychopathology that drives that, especially among aspies who commonly have disturbed upbringings.

I don't think there's any reason for any of us to question or for you to feel confused about what you want. Wanting a tomboy does not make you a girl in a guy's body, so unless when you look at yourself in the mirror you hate what you see because it's not female I'd suggest you stop worrying about that part. We all have things we like in a girl, now i'm not sure what exactly you mean by you turning "more feminine" when around a girl you like, but i'm also not sure it's a bad thing. Many girls like guys who are in tune with the feminine side and many guys genuinely like tomboys, now I don't know what tomboys usually fall for in guys but i'm 100% sure you'd be able to find some that would be interested in you.

What I read as a problem in your post is something I think is pretty normal for aspies, you desire perfection. Not that's she supposed to be perfect but IT is. Well, I'd suggest you stop that. Sounds like you have very little experience being with women so that means you have had little opportunity to really come to understand what you actually want in a girl, because I think many guys realize that what they thought they wanted in a girl changes after their first real relationship. So next time you meet a girl and start thinking "maybe..." then i'd advice you go for it. Doesn't have to perfect, doesn't have to something where you immediately think you want to spend your entire life with this girl. You need the experience to really know what girl you're looking for and who knows, by giving that 1 girl a chance you might find a soulmate in a girl you didn't think could be one for you.

And stop worrying about children, I've had similar thoughts to you with regards to passing aspie on. Well, there's a million children out there who could benefit from adoptions, so no matter what doesn't mean you won't be able to have a son/daughter of your own

Hope this makes sense
Garath