I just cant take it anymore.

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I usually don't like to post stuff in the forums. But sometimes i read it. I will apologize in advance for the size of the message and because I have included some "bad" words.

I've also been meaning to write this for a while, it is long... but I've got a lot to say and no one to listen. I feel trapped, no way out, miserable, and it has been more than a year that I don't sleep. I mean, I do sleep, but it is only nightmares and it affects the quality of it... It also makes me wake feeling VERY tired, like I haven't slept.
I've also tried to sleep as little as possible, but alas, I failed.

I'm, sadly from Brazil, I don't like this country, both for the government, politics and the people, including the environment. I've moved a lot in my life, from Brazil(on and off 8 years approximately), to Argentina(4 years approximately), Guatemala(5 years approximately) to the UK(7 years approximately) now...

I was bullied quite badly in Guatemala and in Brazil. In brazil i couldn't go out without some smartass making comments about me physically or the clothing, or anything... Being bullied in school as a given everyday; Which is why i hated going to school. At least I finished my university degree, which was the only place were I wasn't bullied... here in the UK I was never bullied, not even had a smartass comment on the streets. I could describe more of how I never managed to fit in the normal profile, but I believe this would just extend this message.

Sadly, when my father left(Divorced) he didn't help us with the visa, now, after a year of legal battle with the Home Office we lost it. The first place where I was finally accepted, where I finally managed to live... The first place where I could take a bus, talk with X people without having some fear. The first place where I could be me without criticism... decided that me and my family(mum and sister) was a "threat" to the country. Losing both times in court in my appeal... I mean, threat?! A danger? How? We paid taxes, our names are clean, no debts, no police record, not even a DUI!
Weeks later, I found out a muslim rapist managed to stay in the country by using the same defence we did, with almost the same background in the story. That...tore me out.

I could be doing my masters, or working, my life could have continued. I could have been happy... but instead, we have to live here illegally for a year(which is almost over) because my sister is still doing her university... yes, they didn't even consider that!

I don't want to work or live in a country where I can be robbed, murdered or kidnapped. Especially my line of work which is Forensic Biology... something that I'm sure Brazil doesn't have in an "advanced" level. I don't want to go back, but I have to... I can't work with Forensics because I don't want my family to be threatened by some low-life scum. Police in brazil is as corrupt as it comes, so you know you are never safe. There is also conscripting in Brazil, why? The only war it has been, and VERY limited was in WWII. I would probably be called, or instead would require that I swear or salute by the flag, I don't want to salute the flag that backstabbed me... and refusing to do it, would be prison. I just hate that s**thole of a country.

I've been trying to find jobs in Canada or US, but I'm failing miserably. I always loved the US, especially the constitution, something Brazil has, but it doesn't give you the same freedoms. The people, the food, the freedom and the American dream...

Without that visa for the US, and having to rot in Brazil, is killing me... With no future in front of me, nothing to look forward to, with 25 years old...

Last week, I had a fit of rage, because it keeps building up, and its heavy... I never felt so much rage in my life before, if I had a knife in that moment, instead of cutting my wrists I would have stuck it at my heart in a blink of an eye! I punched the wall, headbutted the wall, chewed the mouse cord, to even hitting the monitor, to screaming... I admit, I was afraid of me too.

Today, I'm still down, and with anxiety, OCD, ADD, Social phobia and suspected ASperger syndrome... I just don't know what else to do. I keep thinking about this everyday... I watch TV and see the US and wish I was there. But I think that it will never happen (Americans, you don't know how lucky you are). I've also stopped going out, I barely leave my room; I'm sure that if I end up in Brazil, it will get worse...

All this plus other problems, from the inability to get a visa, to being single. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed, and the last hug I got from the opposite sex was in November, on my graduation day... which I didn't enjoy much, because that was the last time I saw the first friends I could count on. That hug left me surprised, no girl had ever done that to me in that way. I'm not beautiful, but I try to be useful, by cooking, caring, to repairing stuff around the house whilst my father never did. I thought those qualities and being Romantic would have some value. But I was wrong, 25 years old, and still a miserable never-kissed virgin.

If I can't leave Brazil when I move there in 3 months approximately, I will kill myself. I see no way out, I cant see anything, I'm like in an enclosed room with no windows or doors. You are probably thinking that I just want attention by saying that... but I just wanted someone to know.

I'll probably add more in other posts as I remember them, because I'm so tired that I can't remember everything.
I just can't take it anymore. For the first time in my life, I was quite happy, and this had to happen...I'm so tired.

You are going through a normal greif process I would feel the same in your position. Think of this with a family of college educated people with a clean record there are many countries that take skilled immigrants. When you wake up and its a new day maybe put this energy into advocating for your family, you could send a dozen letters all it takes is for one to end up in the hands of someone willing to help you.

I've been trying, so far only rejections. There is also the fact that the skilled immigrant visa has reached the cap this year.

Today I had more nightmares.

I can certainly relate to you. I have social phobia, suspect aspergers, and while I dont think I have ADD or OCD, i can certainly relate to those disorders and have tendencies of them.
I wish I was in America, too. I am stuck living in Turkey. I'm American, and I miss it. I have nothing to do, over here.
I've never been kissed or had a relationship or even a mutual crush with a guy. I never get hugged by guys. And I'm not particularly attractive (my avatar is me trying super hard) I know how you feel.

PLEASE don't kill yourself! Things will look up. Killing yourself is so illogical. You will only cause others pain, and a mess to patch up. You can get over it. I know it's tough. But you need to stay alive. Even if you don't think you're helping someone, you are. And that's worth living for!

Thank you so much for your kind words. It somewhat alleviates me to know that I'm not alone... It is sad that someone else is like me, but at least I'm not alone.
Why are you stuck in Turkey? In my case, is because my father works in the Brazilian Embassy, as I said in my message, he is now working in the Brazilian Embassy in Kenya(with another woman).

My nightmares constantly depicts my "extended family" (ie. Cousins, uncles, aunts..etc), I don't like them, I don't feel any connection with them... I've even been bullied by them, I remember vividly how they liked poking fun of my fatness. When I went there on 2005 because my father insisted(he left the uk in 2008), I begged him not to tell them I was single or that I never had a girlfriend. Brazil, if you don't know, promiscuity is "a good thing". Of course, I ended up being criticized on the streets because of me not being that pretty, fatness and clothing!

How does you social phobia affects you? In my case, I don't like answering the phone, talking on the phone, or generally talking to strangers(though this part I've actually had some success in overcoming it). With the visa problem, I'm even reluctant in going to the movies. I've been a failure for most of my life, I'm not too happy in staying alive, doing nothing and wasting everyone's time.

I'm not great at compliments, but I'm sure you didn't need to try hard to look good, you look great in that picture!

how long have you lived in Turkey?

Thank you again for the reply and the kind words

I'm glad I helped. It is good to be in the same boat with others. Even if it's a sh***y one.
Similar situation. My dad works here, and I'm stuck 'til it's time for college. Which by the way, I am scared s**tless of.
Sucks about your dad. Sorry if I missed it, but are you natively Brazilian?

Goodness, I can relate to the extended family thing, too! They aren't close to me, at all. Even if they think they are, I don't think so. Sadly I don't really view any connection to them. I wouldn't mind never seeing them again. I like my American side alright, but I still don't feel close to them, and for some reason I can't trust my uncles. And they've poked fun at me for being weird, and quiet, and non-social, the Turkish side has. Its made me cry before...Grr.
That's terrible people would actually tease you on the streets! I've been teased in school and bullied, but not harassed too bad by strangers. I'm sorry.

Gah...Hellishly. It's so terrible. My chains . It's like I'm afraid of the symptoms now. I get the physical symptoms terribly. I shake really hard, and my palms sweat so much I actually get beads of sweat. My feet sweat too, and it makes me slip and all the clumsier. I breath faster, and turn bright red. It's harder to speak and think. And the worst symptom is my neck like, spazzes out! It just starts having a convulsion. It's SO embarassing. And people can notice it. I hate answering the phone, too. And going out to stores, and ordering stuff...Basically anything social. Presentations/being on stage are my worst fear. And talking to the opposite sex. It seems even if I manage, it just kills any hopes of attraction, it kills horniness XD. I even feel awkward around best friends in some situations. So, don't worry, you're certainly not alone in that area.

Thanks!

I've been here for about 5 years now. Maybe slightly more.

I'm glad I helped. DON'T kill yourself. Okay?

It sounds silly, but have you thought about Austrailia? Lifestyle there is much simlar to that of the US or UK (much better weather too lol), and with the right advocate for your family, you might be able to get a visa & move there.

Austrailia specialy likes people with a skill, and you sound as if you have a good skill, and would be able to put something into the country. It is worth a try.

Lots of people from the UK move to Austrailia each year for a better life, and those with skills stand a much better chance of getting in.

Don't give up, there are a lot of countries in the world, if the US/UK won't accept you, it's their loss. If you really want out of Brazil, it IS possible with perserverance.

Don't expect it to happen overnight, or even in the first year or two, but put your mind to it and many things are possible.

Yeah, it doesn't summarize only about clothing or fatness, or anything like that. I guess, translating it would be something like this "haha! look at that wh***y!". I'm pale as well. I think I've mentioned before, I HATE the sun and the heat. I'm very finicky and choosy on weather, because I can't stand wet t-shirts or being under the sun for long, it hurts. But everyone there, don't seem to have this problem!

My "extended" family wants to separate my Mum from me and my sister and use her as a "free maid". Some of their excuses for that is, "leave those kids alone in Sao Paulo! They are too old to stay with their mom!". You see, if we could bring a dictionary and open the section of hypocrites, you would find their pictures on the entire page. They live with their mother!(my grand-mother) (That is the family side of my father)

From my mom's side, one wants to convert us to Jehovah's Witnesses, the other doesn't want us to leave Brazil. Now you have some ideas as to what we are dealing with here. If I could choose, I would never see, speak or even hear from the again.



In my case, I start go gag, I rehearse the entire conversation over my head, and keep rehearsing the conversation even after the event! For days still. I shake a bit, sometimes my vision gets cloudy.
I hate telephone, not only because of what I said, but also because I keep imagining how the person looks like, I still "suck" at understanding emotions visually, imagine only with voice? I even hate social interactions, or meeting with some "known" people on the streets, because, sometimes I have difficulties recognizing them.
Sometimes I look at someone and I think its them, but after a while of analyzing, it turns out it was not them. I think this is some sort of facial blindness.

Sadly, I'm indeed natively Brazilian.
Sorry i didn't reply early, I got distracted with Star Trek Online. Its one of those things, I dont pay attention or focus or anything that is need and I don't like, but when I don't need to pay attention and it turns out its something I like, everything else just "disappears".

Everyone seems to move to some place for a better life. But in my case, my kind of weather is moody, cold, snow or night. I loathe the sun, and sweating! But choosing between that and Brazil(which also have it) I prefer to move to Australia.

The problem with perseverance is that I have almost no energies left to continue. Take one where you are physically tired, and didn't sleep much. That is how I feel.
The other problem, is that damn cap for skilled workers, which is has already reached its limit.

I know you are from the UK, I love the UK, and everything else here works great(coming from a country who nothing works with added bureaucracy of Vogons!), but sadly the home Office is the only thing that doesn't work. I'm sure if I was an islamic terrorist who raped 5 girls, and wanted to kill infidels I would have gotten a citizenship, plus benefits from the home office.



Thank you for the message.

You're pale and Brazilian? Oh well. Pale skin can look good!

That thing about your extended fam is really weird. . What's your mom want to do? and....jehovah's witnesses...RUN! XD they are bizarre...

I rehearse, too. Depends who I'm talking to, too. cloudy vision? Odd. I've never heard of that symptom before. Is it like when you stand up and get a blood rush?
That does sound like facial blindness. I'm still confused as to what it is, exactly, however. I dont know if I have it mildly or not.

No prob! The nice things about forums is you can wait.

My mom wants to stay close to us.

The cloudy vision thing, was actually my mistake. I was thinking of something else at the time, and I ended up writing it wrong. Its actually "tunnel vision"... sorry.
I believe that's a response from "fight or flight" situations.

Lately I've been having more and more nightmares. I wish I could have a night sleep where I could actually rest!

I do have a weird sense of humour, though, lately with the stress and depression, it started to get affected. Socially, I'm a disgrace, I remember last year I almost said, jokingly to a girl in my uni that she gained weight. Thankfully, the friends I made here stopped me on doing it, and learned a lesson: Jokes about weight and girls is a no-no. That is what hurts me even more... As you've seen they had my back... First time in my life!

Now, I do remember a girl asking me to massage her in the back, I came to realize years later that maybe she wanted something else... At the time I thought; "huh since when did I become a masseuse". I just realized what she meant by it, because I mentioned it to that group of friends, and they started to laugh at my innocence! Even I did, after they explained to me...

Though to be frank with you, I have no idea as to why she would do that... When I finally master the courage to propose to a girl, I get rejected... (it can take years)

Hi drcancerman,

I'm so very sorry that any human being has to endure the stress and uncertainty that you are currently putting-up with. As someone who lives in Scotland, I am FURIOUS to read that once again our a***hole government (UK plc) are kicking out someone who would be an ASSET to live here, forensic biology is a science that has brought so much to modern criminology, there would be lots of unsolved murders without you guys.

I don't know what to say, but I actually think with your story and situation you might benefit from getting in touch with the media? I think your story should get out there to as many people who can hear it as possible, because this is mad, and you're right, why would they allow a rapist to stay in this country while not allowing you and your family to stay here?!?

Is there absolutely ANY way in which you can appeal? Or at this rate with this kind of stress level you're going to end up in a mental hospital before the 3 months is up!

I don't know if going to see your GP would help, or whether getting your AS officially diagnosed would be beneficial as there is now an autism bill in place in England and you might be able to appeal deportation or be protected under this law if diagnosed??? (and would they still be able to deport you if such a clincial investigation was still pending, or indeed if you were under the care of a doctor?)

I honestly hope this works out for you, or that there is something you can do....

Best wishes....

Keep applying! Over and over again... Don't give up!

Well, according to the Home Office lawyers and the AIT Judge(Asylum and Immigration Tribunal), they don't care if I did science or even be an asset to the British society. Even if Forensic Biology in Brazil is non-existant(the crimes there are solve the old way) or even if I risked my family by working on it there. The second appeal Home Office lawyer even said "he could always work on something else there...be a teacher!". If I wanted to work on something else, I would have studied "something else" and I have no knack for teaching... Even if I did, I would be contributing to the problem, where teachers just "teach" because there are no other options, so nothing will be taught. Teaching in Brazil is ver unsatisfactory regarding salary as well.

Here it is, when i read this, I was mad... Even madder as well, when Bin Laden son married, got his visa, then divorced...
http://theopinionator.typepad.com/my_we ... itain.html

I don't think the media will be interested in our case, besides, if the Home Office finds out, we might be deported and my sister lose her course!


We've appealed 2 times, and both times we lost, both judges seemed to favour the home office lawyers. The first appeal I think the judge wanted sex with the woman, the second he just didn't seem to care.

The second appeal, we Even had the judge and the lawyer to question my psychiatrist! He said that I wouldn't kill myself, this is was just a bad job by the doctor. The judge, agreed.

I wanted so bad to say something, but we were not allowed. I was shacking, angry, and other feelings I never knew existed... The home Office lawyer was seating in a position that made him look "superior".



I was under the care of a doctor, they didnt care. Though I never said everything to my doctor, it is hard to review the conversation the day before and memorize all the possible outcomes. I'm uploading the letter my doctor sent to us to show to on the court. There is an area I encircled, which is in red.
This particular area, as I said before, was rejected by the Home office lawyer and the judge.

Sadly, for us, its over, there is nothing we can do but hope we dont get deported before my sister finishes her course and hope I can move to the US/Canada...




Btw, I censored the obvious informations that could be traced to me, because this is the internet and public... I hope you don't mind.

Yes, it is a response to that. Another symptom I get is my tongue feels like it's being electrocuted, sort of weird...

I hope you have less nightmares. I don't dream too much. I get up to early to ever really reach REM.

What happened to those friends? And what's sad about them having your back? That's nice they helped you. I like having someone I can confide with, because I'm sometimes very unsure about saying certain things.

I know what you mean about that. I get signs from guys (rarely mind you) and don't realise there was a chance there until like, 4 hours later. XD

Its because I'll lose them when I move out of the UK. Today, again, I started to feel trapped.
The idea of living in Brazil repulses me so much that I actually feel headaches and a bit nauseous.


Well, at least it took 4 hours, in my case its years and with the help of someone! In fact, that was the last one... Beyond that, I'm as desirable as a crocodile in the sewers.

Before going to bed, I was thinking about how nice it would be, having a wife, a stable life and a job in the US, coming home on a beautiful street. Bringing flowers to the wife, on a nice SUV... and happy, satisfied, and safe. Sadly, the only thing I have to look forward to is unemployment, dirty cities, violence, loneliness, unhappiness and quite likely a below standard mental hospital, if I don't end up killing myself by then.

Sorry, I woke up slightly (more than usual) depressed today....