Do you like yourself? I don't.

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I was taking my dog for a walk today and along the way stopped and talked to someone who I knew from primary school, she was my only friend. Anyway she was telling me about what she's been doing lately - going out with friends, working...it's what most people do but for me it's so foreign and I hate myself because of it. I'm perfectly capable of getting a job yet I have so much anxiety about it that I either fail the interview or in most cases, don't make it to the interview at all. Besides from that I have no qualifications, minimal work experience and a psych history that makes me look like a complete nutter on paper.

She invited me to go into town with her, in other words going to clubs, dancing, talking to strange people. It's my idea of a total nightmare yet I want to have friends so bad and talking to her just reinforces the fact that I'm a waste of space. I have no life worth living. Everyone has a social life at my age except for me. I'm home most of the time with my mum and when I'm not home, I'm at the community mental health center, counseling or going somewhere...by myself yet again! I'm sick of being the loser.

,Yes a lot

It's nice of your old schoolmate to invite you along. If I were in your position, I'd contact her, tell her briefly that I feel shy and awkward, and ask to try out hanging out with her, one step at a time -- maybe at first just getting together with a few friends. It might not be easy, and there could be sensory issues from being out in a group, but it's a start. If she is as decent as she seems to be, it would be nice to be able to be decent back to her by accepting some of what she has to offer.

I do those things (go into town, go to clubs, etc.) but I must say that if one isn't used to it, it seems noisy and confusing at first. In the beginning I sometimes just went in alone with a camera and just took pictures and watched! Then someone came and asked me if I would like to join him and his friend in a game of foozeball (that mini soccer in a glass box), and I felt more like I fit in. By now I am so comfortable that I am there regularly, I have friends, and I dance on my own early in the evening before everyone else gets onto the dancefloor, and I feel pretty cool about how my confidence has grown. I don't mind which way, going alone or going with friends -- sometimes I even like to go alone, even though I will be in a crowd there. I am comfortable with myself. It is very important for me to dance, because it helps with my ADHD and sensory processing issues. There's no other form of exercise that I really like, so this is something I must do regularly forthe sake of my mental and physical health.

Because of my sensory issues, I take along Philips Noise-Canceling Earphones (the ones that go inside the ears), and I often wear them when they turn up the music. Rock music is much more tolerable to my brain than house music. I can cope with some hip-hop too, and reggae.

It is a lot easier for me (and apparently for other aspies too) to fit in with people who are different from the rest of their society. The night club I go to most often is one of those 'alternative' ones, where people like to think that they are not too 'mainstream'. That means that if I want to do something a bit odd, people are more likely to accept it.

One step at a time.

One thing you can do to get yourself started (this is what I did) is to learn how to make something that you can sell. It could be craft items, or you could learn to repair things and renew them to make something new from something old. You could make one or two items and people what they think could be improved. This is not a question of "What do you think of ME?" but really "What do you think I need to do to make something SELL?"
It could be anything -- personalised greeting cards, ragdolls, toys consisting of gears which turn and look cool -- whatever.

In the years that I did this (making greeting cards and brooches), I did not make a great deal of money, but I did start gaining the confidence to take the next step, which was to start working as a freelancer in a more formal environment.

At first when I went to gift shops to try to sell my craft items, I was very nervous, so I didn't go alone. It was important for me to push myself to try to do my own talking, even though I was afraid that confident people would hurt my feelings with a flippant reply. But I pushed on.

By now, I am very confident. With help and support, I eventually changed my career, taking up opportunities and choosing my own direction. I now speak directly to board members in glitzy companies and I can take negative responses so much better. I never would have guessed when I was young and starting out with the crafts that I would eventually get to the level of confidence that I have now.

^^ I'm interested in photography and it was once suggested that I make and sell postcards and/or greeting cards so I will get some more information about doing that, thanks. Although I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. I want to work with animals so in July I am going to study...but still, I have to start somewhere. I just wouldn't know which places to approach about selling my cards.

I find that postcards are not often sent these days (people tend to use e-mail now -- may be different where you live), whereas greeting cards, especially handmade ones, are often liked because they allow people to personalise a gift. It is important when selling a smart item like a photo to use classy paper and envelopes and then to charge more. It is also important to present them neatly, for example, in plastic (polypropylene), so that they will not get damaged by finger marks.

One of the places where I sold cards was at craft markets. This wasn't always hugely successful, but it did give me a good idea of which ones people liked so that I could make more of those next time and could advise shops which kind they should order when I later started going to shops. Some people are so successful on craft markets though, that they sell there regularly for years. The people who run a small local CD shop which focuses on classical music, jazz and local artists, used to ONLY sell on markets for many years, and STILL provide the music at a local market every Saturday. People often approach them to ask, "What's playing? I want to buy that!"

There are many other people at the same Saturday market who are there every time. I think it is necessary to be there several times and then to adapt to the likes of the public, because then you get known and people come back again, or send their friends there.

Your written language is pretty good too, so maybe if you could write a short haiku or something on a photo and frame it, it could be something that people would like. (No quarantee of that, just an idea.) Hey, now that I've said that, I almost feel tempted to try it! At least it is different from what other people do, and perhaps has some competitive advantage. It is always good to find something which gives you a distinctive style. For example, even if you don't do the words thing, you may find that always using a wide colourful border behind a picture becomes the thing that distinguishes your personal brand. The idea of framed photos means that you do not have to worry so much about the packaging, just keep the glass clean.

If you are making cards or framed pictures, t is also sometimes nice to make one or two for sociable members of your parents' social circle or family, because they will often show them off, and create an awareness of the fact that you do this, and later buy one or two and encourage their friends to do the same.

Absolutely, I agree that "doing the same thing for the rest of your life" is not a great goal for someone like you who seems to have a variety of interests as well as natural talents. I have had quite a varied series of 'occupations', including being a sort of documentation assistant to my dyslexic husband, as well as being a freelance writer and cartoonist working almost exclusively for a foundation that put educational materials out into isolated and poor regions of Southern Africa. I also worked as a Web designer.

All this combined experience now means that I can write and illustrate the workbooks which we provide to my students and maintain the company's Web site. My current job is teaching working people the basics of Project Management. I recently presented a weekend workshop and one of my students was a nuclear physicist with a PhD!

So as you can see, I've come a long way since I lacked the confidence to even speak to a shopkeeper to try to sell my cards.

Which doesn't mean I don't sometimes have autistic meltdowns and sensory problems and social mishaps etc., etc., etc.; it just isn't all there is to life!

Hey Brittany2907:

I am sorry that you feel that way. You're not a loser!

I too feel lonely a considerable amount of time, and I am having troubles finding a job, let alone friends. Likewise, when acquaintances do go out, they drink and go to bars and clubs--those things are more exhaustive than appealing to me.

My only advice is: Keep yourself busy: Read a book; keep researching your interests; spend time with your dogs... Possibly call up your friend and see if you could get together in a situation that you are comfortable with.

What type of dog(s) do you have?

I have two golden retrievers that never fail to cheer me up.

Hope this helps,

--David

Can you get help with your anxiety? Therapy, medication or even looking at self help books/websites? I used to have horrible social anxiety but I had therapy, medication and read some cognitive behaviour techniques and eventually the anxiety got less and less. There's still a bit but it is not as bad as before.

The greeting card photos is a good idea. You can even just sell your own photos, if you can travel to a place and take beautiful landscape shots. I've always wanted to do that, but I can't drive to those places.
Good luck.

I have a Rottweiler. He's turning 8 this year and might not live for much longer after that. I will be so sad when he dies because he always cheers me up just like your dogs cheer you up. I also have other pets but it's sad when any of them die.

I definitely don't like myself. I am working on it.

I know intellectually there are plenty of reasons to feel good about myself. I am certain you are a wonderful person and while it is difficult, it sounds like you are trying to make a better life for yourself. That's all you can do. You should learn to have pride in your abilities, and take comfort in knowing that your differences are what make you the most human.

I'm currently getting treatment for both depression and anxiety. I'm taking medication and am getting counselling, she specializes in counselling people with an ASD so it's good because she somewhat understands me a bit more than my last counsellor did (the one I had before I was diagnosed). My depression has lessened but my anxiety is still the same. Most of the time though I don't experience symptoms of anxiety because I shut myself away from everything that makes me anxious, hence why I hardly ever go out.

I can't drive to nice places to take photos either...actually, I can't drive at all.

It's good that you found a better counselor.

I too get incredibly apprehensive whenever I go out and I end up isolating myself at home.

How long have you been a vegetarian? I've been a vegetarian since I was 15.

I hope you start to feel better!

Feel free to pm me if you ever need anyone to talk to!

--David

When I was 18, I went clubbing and did all those kind of things that my friends did, but I hated every minute of it. It wasn't until I got older and started doing the kinds of things I enjoyed doing and stopped worrying about what everyone else my age was supposedly doing that I started to enjoy my life and my place in the world.

Find something you are passionate about and do it. You will meet people that share that same passion. Don't worry about the things that people your age are supposedly doing. Volunteer at the local animal shelter - it will be great experience for your studies in July, plus you get to meet other people who also love animals which gives you something to talk to them about.

I have mixed feelings about myself. I try to be the best that I can be but I'm not particularly satisfied with the results. At the same time.. I'm content to be me.

sometimes i hate myself for easily getting irritated by simple things, especially sound. loud sounds make my blood boil and i can snap at people for being loud.

other than that, i am quite happy with myself.

I'm not going to adress the job situation you're in but about social life,
listen, you must be strong.
You can't allow to measure yourself after other people. After all, they don't do all the things you lack because they want to be better than you. They do it because it comes natural to them and they enjoy it.

Depression usually brings a perfectionist "heaven or hell" approach to social problems. You expect of yourself to be able to do everything everyone else does and never make a mess of it. This is a very bad way of thinking.

While it is very possible to mimic NT behavior, I don't recommend doing this too much. What you do is intellectualise yourself around situations that people usually don't think about and which their brains easily rationalise. Essentially it's a way to reach the same goal through a different path. The problem with doing this too much is that it is taxing your mental resources. If the result of this constant planning is that you actually appear normal, then that's also a big problem.

Noone will understand your difficulties if you act like everyone else on the surface. You will have monumental stress because of all the effort. In reality you can be a great asset by being different. If others are allowed to see the real you they'll see something rare and their life will be a bit richer. All fun parties have very different people. If you don't fit in with a group where everyone thinks the same, forget about it, you're not missing anything so don't even go.

What has helped me is optimism. I always assume a social role for myself because we really have to, but I use very few rules.
I say to myself:
- The only really important thing about social competence is not to act or say things that hurt or unnerve people. I can keep track of that. Don't bring up very sexual, violent topics of conversation. Never talk ill about other people.

- Everyone carries stress about who they are and the expectations they have on themselves. Act a little bit impressed when they talk about themselves even if you really don't care and what they say is meaningless to you. Do this for yourself because they will like you for it and you'll feel happy. Saying things like "Wow, you can do that? I could never manage it" is good.

- You can be honest about how you feel if you are sad, but pass the information gently, with a smile, and not too dramatically, otherwise people won't know what to say to you.

- You are allowed to be very childish and weird. You're not breaking a social code if you start up a conversation about teenage mutant ninja turtles. Just don't go into a frenzy, and also allow them to make fun of you for it. Laugh together and you are all having fun.

- Really, you must be happy and optimistic to socialize. Maybe it's better to stay at home the days when you're not feeling strong enough, otherwise it's too much stress.

- Also, you shouldn't keep your condition a secret. Asperger Syndrome is not an excuse for you to act mean or selfishly but it helps people understand why you can't remember where they live even if they've already told you 4 times. Telling clears the misunderstandings and they will accept your apologies.

I'm sorry if you didn't want alot of cheeky advice, but you are allowed to be yourself. Please accept that, okay?