Unwillingness to understand

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I must first temper this post with the acknowledgement that I have not been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Much anecdotal and unscientific evidence exists to support the notion but due to my personal problems I have been unable to seek a diagnosis.

Since my adolescence I have struggled to integrate properly in society and lesser social situations. I have also been beset with depression and eventually recognized that anxiety was directing the behaviors in my life.

Due to my family's perception of mental illness I have consistently resisted diagnosis. Even when I have consulted with medical professionals my upbringing has caused me to display extreme skepticism toward pharmaceutical aids and ultimately cease use of them prematurely.

At this point in my life I have moved back into my parents' house and am seeking treatment for depression at the county clinic. I have expressed to my mother the belief that my idiosyncracies, social deficits, irritability, and the fact that every time I open my mouth I seem to cause my family members great distress (in spite of my continued attempts to express myself without upsetting anyone) may be related to an ASD.

Instead of understanding from my parents I receive hostility. I often feel that I am the only person who tries to accomodate the myriad demands and expectations within my family. Evidently I do a very poor job of it. Yet I desperately want to hold conversations without discord, I wish to share my thoughts and desires with someone. I have effectively isolated myself since middle-school and while I am sure there are some people within the scope of my social interactions who would care to listen to me the reality is that I am alone, have no funds to enact a lifestyle that would support my needs nor the mental fortitude to engage in such a change, and my family consistently (reflexively it seems) rejects my pleas for understanding and acceptance.

Recently my mother told me I pushed her away and rejected all her beliefs as a pre-teen/early teenager. I expressed my atheism to my parents at that point in my life and I believe that is why she feels that way. Regardless, I was raised by my parents and the values, if not the superstition, have deep meaning to me. It is upsetting that they insist I have rejected them when in fact it seems quite the opposite from my perspective.

In truth my parents care about my well-being or they would not allow me to stay in their home and provide the material comforts and support that they do. I do not with to seem ungrateful. I just need their support and understanding to help me make the positive changes in my life that I need so dearly. I would be on the streets right now if it weren't for them and it is unlikely I would ever rise above my afflictions in that environment.

They tell me I just need to change and be a happy person and that I am the way I am because I "fill [my] head with nonsense." I wish they understood that I have been trying for at least a decade to be a happy, productive, successful person. I don't seem to have it in me.

I believe with perseverance the county clinic will help me with my depression. I possess above-average intelligence and should be able to sustain myself once I have gained an appropriate foothold. However the contribution of any tips or help you may have for a struggling 25 year-old in seeking a diagnosis would be appreciated. I am very nearly at my wit's end.

You have to do what is right for you in order to be the best you can be,

Going to the clinic would be a good idea.
When it comes to pharmaceutical aids, give them a proper chance as they might work for you.

What job do you have? My parents say the same things too. They think it's easy for me to try to socialise because I get on well with a few people. But fortunately, I managed to get out of it by getting new interests (chemistry, for instance) and embraced atheism. There is one thing to be said about intelligence - it helps you to get out of it. You have abilities and can think yourself above petty issues raised by parents.

I feel that you should do what's right for you.

I have a history of underemployment. The last job I held (in fact the only job I've held for any reasonable period of time) was a technician for a computer resale company. I ended up leaving that job over a a disagreement with my boss. Since then I have had trouble finding or holding a job.

I do need to figure out what I need to do. Mostly I get frustrated because I have made huge changes in my life in attempt to find some direction and my mother insists I haven't ever done anything to improve my situation.

I would love to go to school but I have allowed depression and social anxiety to sabotage my performance at university. I used to be a voracious reader but I have had the hardest time reading anything of substance for about a decade (depression related as far as I know).

Mostly what I want to say is that I appreciate the responses and support. I made the post in a moment of stress and despair. I don't know whether I have Asperger syndrome but I think it's a very plausible explanation for many of my difficulties in life.