Feeling Stuck

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I'm envious of the people who post in here that they are ok with being alone. Unfortunately I don't seem to be one of them, no matter how hard I try. So it seems I need some advice. I have never made any friends in my life. I've had a few friends(8 or 9 in 27 years) but it's always been the other person who's really wanted to be my friend and put in most of the effort to make it work. I just don't know how to, and these friendships eventually just fall apart. I've never been in a romantic relationship. Would really like to know what it's like to kiss a girl someday.

I've looked for help before now. I've tried the books, asked advice from the few people I trust( I have a terrible time telling if people are lying, being deceptive, or have ulterior motives. So I have to either trust someone absolutely or not at all. Most fall in the latter category ). All of the advice I get assumes an understanding of the basics of social interaction. It seems inconceivable to others that I can't start or maintain a conversation. That I don't know how to meet people. That going out and practicing on people would make more sense if I had skills to practice. I'm getting advice from people who are good at calculus and are trying to explain algebra to me, but I'm still struggling with the concept of 2+2=4.

So I guess I'm asking for help here, hoping for some advice from people who can understand where I'm starting at. Are there books out there for my skill level? Groups? Therapies? Any similiar stories that ended well for a little bit of hope to keep me going? I really hate to sound desperate but it would be silly to call it anything else at this point. If you can help give me a place to start I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

Perhaps you need to look at some books about body language.

I'm not sure I'm in a great position to give advice, but your story sounds a lot like mine. I now am at a point in my life where I have lots of acquaintances, but no real friends. For instance, I know lots of people because of my job, but there's never any "hey, let's go out for a drink after work" or anything like that in spite of the fact that many of them often get together. It's like they know each other *differently* than i know them, and now that i think about it, that's exactly what it is. But still, they're nice enough to me, and that's good.

Unlike you, I'm not really hurting for the lack of friends. I think i realized some years ago that I'm not sure I could handle the emotional complexity of having friends and all the 'baggage' that comes with it. I did have a friend a couple of years ago and it was pretty intense and ended in a way sort of like a romantic break-up. I found out that this person was lying to me and manipulating me, and of course I didn't see any of that coming. It got uglier from there, and the episode made me increasingly wary about the whole 'friends' thing.

One thing you might try is expressing interest in other people. This will probably feel artificial. Maybe Monday morning you say to someone at work / on the bus / whatever, "So did you do anything exciting this weekend?" Don't just ask "How was your weekend," because then they can say "fine" and the conversation is over. It's unlikely they'll answer the first question with a one-syllable response. So let's say they went hiking. Try to get them to tell you more: "That's interesting. Where did you go?" "We went to Little Mountain." "I've never been there. Is the trail steep?" "No, not really."......

With any luck, you're off and running. The trick is to make people talk about themselves. Most people love to do this, I'm told. Their favorite subject is themselves. You have to be a bit careful not to sound like you're snooping into their lives, so if you're having to drag the information out of them, you should probably end the conversation with something like "Thanks for telling me about that; I'll see you later." You'll know things are going well if they become more animated. Some people's faces go into more of a 'smiling' mode, some people start making hand gestures. If you can get a conversation going, listen. Really listen. Try to nod or say 'uh-huh' in what seems to be the right places. Learn to ask questions that will keep things going. Make eye contact without staring them down. (I have a lot of trouble with this... I am told I tend to 'drill holes' into people.)

Maybe this will help and maybe it won't. Good luck.

One time, I bought one of those mini mags on body language, and it helped me out, a lot.