Going to a shrink day after tomorrow and other stuff

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Have an appointment to see a psychiatrist the day after tomorrow. My point, was to again attempt to get a legit script for ADD meds, and I scheduled it a couple of weeks ago..but I also happened to have a bit of a nervous/mental/physical breakdown....that has lasted maybe a week...not sure exactly when the start of it was...but it has been a combination of extreme stress, dealing with day job and 2-week nightly gigantic music festival, monthly hormones, and then dealing with major transitions...and also problems with dealing with people in my life.
On St. Patrick's night, I ended up screaming at this NT lady so badly that my vocal cords are still more-or-less paralysed...and I can barely speak at all, and if I have to attempt to too much I become nauseous.
When I finally snapped and yelled at the lady who had been "triggering" me on a regular basis for some time, I did it in such a way that I tasted blood in the back of my throat...I must have caused some kind of lacerations that allowed for bacteria to get in... all kindsa bad stuff happened and I got very sick. Now the sickness is gone, I am "functional" again...and somewhat more mentally stable...but I still can't talk...of course anyone is gonna tell me to go to a doctor for this, but we have been too busy...There is no doctor I am comfortable going to..all he will do is put me on antibiotics anyway...I assume...

The doctor I am going to specializes in Adult ADD...hopefully he will believe me and understand when and if I am able to describe the way that executive dysfunction is a gigantic contributing factor to the stress of my life and will not think I am lying just to get "speed"....I am scared of meds I don't understand...like strattera...I tried wellbutrin...it made me feel somewhat suicidal....I am also scared of antidepressants...and do not want to be placed on them..for fear that they will also make me suicidal...from my experience. it seems almost as though all shrinks want to put their patients on anti-depression meds...
All I want is a nice, predictable stimulant med...I have been on them before, and I know how they work....I would also not mind an anti-anxiety something that is not Buspar, as buspar makes me feel kinda chalky and flat..

I hope that this is not too much to ask for.....or i wish that it wouldnt be...but I know that it will be and I will be chucking down another $250 for nothing....

I am gonna freeze up....everything will come out a big jumbled mess...and he will try to give me zoloft or something.....

I am just nervous...

Here are some things to consider-
Strattera is a non stimulant medication but has no generic
Concerta is an extended release Ritalin
I found that ADD meds helped my anxiety because I could process things a little better and didn't get overloaded as much.
Be careful when you talk about anxiety. I am pissed at my son's doctor because he put him on anti anxiety meds because he was distressed about being bullied at school. My naturally slender child gained 30 lbs. in 3 months and the meds didn't help his anxiety (or stop the bullying haha). Now he has to deal with breasts and cellulite at 12.

If your situation is making you anxious you've got to change your situation.
Is there any way you can live elsewhere and come and go to work?

I can maybe take breaks more often..I am getting breaks from the bar while I am in the back cooking vegetarian chili for all the bands....I got a night out a wee while ago, and it felt extremely theraputic to hang out in a actual house and around other people...some of whom i had known a long time and there was lots of catching up to do.......but that was still before my major voice-losing meltdown,,,,I have to be here in the mornings to accept deliveries...etc....especially if I get to knock off early and let other people deal with the obnoxiously loud bands....I can maybe start spending more time at the house of my other partner...but even with how early he has to be at work, I might not always make it home in time to catch the morning deliveries.....I have also been dealing with the crisis of what my place is now. Flakey is having a baby with his other girlfriend...I was having problems being triggered by this NT lady who was frequently flirting with my other partner....even though i asked her not to do it in my house....she kept doing it....and then I screamed at her for handling one of my Puppetrina dolls without my permission (charlene) and playing with it with my other partner...that is how I lost my voice....
And I was also very mad at myself for being jealous and territorial and for hurting myself when I was just trying to be fair and permissive and uncontrolling...but within the guidelines that it not be allowed to bother me too much...Losing my voice makes me feel like i am receiving some great karmic punishment.....for I dunnow what....perhaps everything I have ever done wrong.....

There is not really another place i can live...that would be very feasible...If I approach Mr. Flakey about it he will come up with all sorts of reasons why I should stay here...also...I feel isolated enough with all these people around....imagine how isolated I would feel completely by myself....also, I am the one who cares for the cats and stuff.....I may not be able to do all the housework, but I hired someone I could get along with who comes in and helps for a few hours a day so I can stay on top of it....Flakeys mamma-to-be is not obliged to do these things..as she has another place where she lives even though she is here all the time...plus she is always tired and always throwing up....

I have more stuff that I am attached to than would fit in some tiny apartment....But I do feel in the way....I do feel like I am intruding on their lives...I hate going into the room that I used to share with Flakey...I feel like i am annoying them when they can hear me moving around outside their room...which is where the kitchen is....I feel annoying even when I am trying to be helpful....

and


oof....I DO NOT want to be on anti-anxiety meds that make me gain weight...i am already naturally overweight and gaining and I am hardly eating these days.....

I found that Celexa didnt decrease my anxiety at all, just made me really hyped, as if I was on amphetamines. It also made me gain weight. So I would stay away from that one for starters. Personally I think you need a new home. And not your parents, that would be just as stressful.

I just think that if you're not assessed anyway you should ask to be assessed so you can find out what's actually wrong rather than taking any old meds.

AS can manifest in a similar way to ADHD despite the fact that it's not ADHD so it might be better to find out what's actually wrong. I think sometimes my anxiety manifests as hyperactivity.

I just think it's better to professionals make a decision.

That said... I do use Stella and Red Bull to help me concentrate when I need to.

I think that aspies have difficulty focusing on things that we don't find interesting and also need to be super-focused when around other people because it really is SOO stressful for us...

Sam x

I have been prescribed adderall in the past...I was assessed by a GP...it was seconded by the GP who gave the the script...he started me out on Ritalin....no good....upped me to a rather high dosage of adderallXR....I had a "friend" who was a registered nurse who helped with all of this...She helped me talk to the doctors....this was after I had gone to a clinic specializing in ADD and the doctor was cold and impersonal and seemed to dislike me and wanted a whole bunch of money before he would be willing to give me the time of day....Only rich people are allowed to have Adult ADD.
I was assessed as having Asperger's by an AS specialist at as center for AS adults and children.
I went to another psychiatrist after that...still seeking help for severe executive dysfunction, as I am completely scattered and cluttered and all over the place and it makes it hard for me to work....and he was more willing to believe that I am on the spectrum...and dealing with depression and anxiety...because docs don't like to mess around with Adult ADD...He put me on the Wellbutrin which makes me crazy.....

I know myself well enough...I have traits of both...What I would like to control the most is my severe executive dysfunction....I go to put something in the fridge and end up opening the door to the bathroom.......Outside of the little realm where I live, I can't even um...howyousay..... I can barely get/hold normal jobs.....and I might need to again someday....an awkwardly 30-something adult child.....I can't drive...I can't "act"...(pretend to be someone I am not for the sake of gettng by)....I am very sensitive to alot of different things and my ability to function fluctuates frequently.....

Stimulant meds help me with the tedious chores that would otherwise overwhelm me......and those tedious chores are a large part of my life..

I do same and similar!

It sounds like are a very creative person, and creative people, whether aspie or not, tend to have difficulty with organizational tasks. I know I do.

You know yourself very well. That is both a strength and a weakness. yes, both a strength and a weakness, that's the ying-yan of it all, because you can't order the medication like ordering a sandwich in a diner (and in a similar vein, doctors are frequently said to make terrible patients)


'I'm a creative person and I have Asperger's Syndrome.'


That's not a bad opening gambit. Now, the doctor might ask why. You could have several short paragraphs of information, and pause after each one. The doctor might say something, or it might be obvious that he or she is convinced.


'What most bothers me is my executive function.'


'That s**t makes me suicidal, straight up.'


And you see if the doctor is capable of having a real conversation or if they just become married to their first suggestion (not good). And I've found that sometimes some PG-rated profanity kind of helps, it keeps it real (sometimes, what I have to remind myself again and again is that social stuff is so complicated that nothing works all the time)

and yeah, it bothers me too, when I spend time and money and go to a doctor and he or she turns out to be a complete nonlistener

You might want to have stuff typed up, one half of one side of one piece of paper, as a backup, that you can pull out if you get frazzled.

And maybe you could treat yourself afterwards with a walk and a movie? The walk to calmly mentally review the situation, the movie as a reward, maybe something like that.

Good luck, and please keep us informed.

and the 2-week gigantic festival.

You do very ambitious stuff, and good for you!


The only thing I might suggest is experiment with delegation, skim on the web on it, look at the Ted Williams problem (he was such a good baseball player, the question was how he was going to coach less talented players)

So, if I both made and distributed movies, I might be less picky about other people's movies, and more picky about my own? Yeah, sure, something kind of like that.

I help run a venue with my long-time business partner...the music fest has been driving me bonkers with the noise....my meltdown sufficiently scared away a really good bartender because she was triggering me and I could no longer be around her....maybe ambitious...but still a struggle and still a lot of stuff I am not good at handling...

Supplemental Security Income was MADE for people like you, Poopy. You need to apply. http://www.ssa.gov/ is the site for Social Security, look for Supplemental Security Income. In Texas it's only $650/mo or so, but you might qualify for a subsidized apartment, as well as having Medicaid which sucks but it's better than nothing. I've been on it my whole adult life and it made ALL the difference. Right now they are denying EVERYBODY the first time they apply, so you need a lawyer, he only gets paid when you get your retroactive lump sum. I can't believe that somebody like you is forced to endure what you endure just to make a little money so you're not homeless. You should have been on SSI back in the early 90s! I've been on it since 1993, and I'm just slightly older than you, by a few months. It sounds like you have REALLY REALLY BAD executive dysfunction, if you go for the fridge and end up in the bathroom. Mine only comes out when I'm distracted, but you live with it ALL THE TIME. It is unlikely that you'll ever be able to work, and if you don't get your larynx fixed you won't be able to perform either. You tore your voice box, sounds like, and maybe ripped your esophagus. You must have been EXTREMELY angry! The blood was a BAD SIGN. You needed to have it looked at. I hope the damage isn't permanent.

Again...you blow things too much out of proportion...I did not "tear" my voice box...I might have caused a laceration, which might have gotten infected...but my voice is gradually coming back...This was a significant expeience, but this is not the first time I have lost my voice...I sang in a band in smoky loud environments for many years...so I have had my share of laryngitis...

I am on the "higher end" of the spectrum..In the early 90's I was a tactless, but functional oddball high school kid in "gifted" classes and then I EVEN joined a band...I had no affiliation with any lables for the way I was "wired"...I just happened to be in special classes for smart kids who learned differently((and YES>>>>OMG....IT DID QUALIFY AS "SPECIAL ED"))..in case you try to pass judgement on my gifted classes.

.....I was a bit delayed when I was a kid, but did the best I could to catch up...I taggled a little behind in self-care and was a little cut out in "in-depth social interactions...but I did have a bit of a peer group, and all I was doing was trying to be a teenager....nobody would have had any call to place me on SSI then.

I would have hard time getting on SSI as you yourself said, and now matters more than then.....My lawyer (and I do have one..is also my partner's lawyer, because we are BUSINESS PARTNERS...I can do what I can do to make sure that i have provisions...we are about to start issuing ourselves salaries, and I can save all of my salary once I start making it.

Just because I made an example of one silly thing I did does not mean that it is like that ALL the TIME...I do not open the door to the bathroom EVERY time I intend to go for the fridge....but I DO have bad executive dysfunction....I am messy, overwhelmed and I go in circles and I am trying to do something about it.

It is not as if I have not ever worked. I have held several jobs....it is just that I am only qualified for the same kinds of jobs I was getting when I was in my early 20's, and those jobs are not very good. Those jobs are mentally and physically taxing in different ways, and I'd like to not subject myself to the humiliation of being a slave to the punch clock if I don't have to.

There are bad things about everyone's lives....and GOOD things....I actually get along with Flakey and his partner when I am in a good mood and able to communicate...

sometimes my perception is altered if I am feeling sad, as is usually the case when I am posting in the haven....

I deal with a lot of stress...and I have trouble with dealing with things and with the way I am able to think about things because of the way my mind is wired....I do have executive dysfunction...I do have sensitivities and boundary issues and rotten theory of mind...I can think things through in irrational childlike ways...but I do not live in an unending pit of misery...

If Oskar Schinder, clearly someone with above-average social skills and a successful business person (and one of my personal heroes!), was putting on a music festival, he would probably have a whole bunch of stress, too. Yeah, a promoter/entrepreneur might sometimes be able to feel people out by talking with them and seeing who's kind of engaged and with-it, and thus more likely to be dependable, but until the event starts that very first day, the entrepreneur won't really know for sure. And this kind of event, I don't see how a "soft opening" is possible.

I tell myself that I don't need to have above-average social skills. I don't need to be anything other than myself and to continue to allow myself to grow, per my own growth trajectory. I have patchy social skills! I have above-average skills in some areas and below-average in others.

For example, a lot of "normal" people have this ability/habit of low-grade energy where they're just kind of there, and then can kind of pick it up if something happens (I put normal in quotes because I'm pretty much convinced there's no such thing as a "normal" person). Well, I'm not sure I'm interested in living most of my life in a condition of low-grade energy, even though I realize this is probably a good way to go for a lot of jobs, and maybe social situations as well.

Okay, so you've gotten some good experience, let's say some interesting experience, how's that, and I guess you can branch out from there in ways which feel energetic to you? For example, have you considered internet music sites? I think it would be fine for you to charge whatever percentage a manager or promoter customarily charges. I would ask you to please consider doing it without requiring exclusives, but of course that has to be your decision. Maybe nonexclusives would help you more easily recruit musicians. And at the same time, you could do your music on your site and/or other sites.

All the best, and I think art is great!

I do that same kind of thing on a fairly regular basis, and I don't consider it a big deal.

I might be writing a ten page fiction story. I might be writing a personal essay in which I have ideas in the margin and I'm trying to write fast so I won't lose the thread of what these short phrases mean to me. And so, it's like I'm swimming in an intellectual world and in a very good way, and that's more important than an everyday task.

And I think a number of people---'normal', Aspie, different in a different ways---might do this kind of thing if they're in the midst of intense intellectual work.

In addition, the last couple of years I've tried to be more open to right-brain kind of feelings and decisions. And so, if I veer off to the bathroom, it might be because I need to use the bathroom (and didn't really notice in the midst of my intense intellectual work!). Or, perhaps I kind of know in the back of my mind that I need to pick up something from the bathroom. Or, I may have made a mistake, and that's perfectly okay, too. (I think right-brain feel and texture, pattern recognition, feeling your way through a series of steps each of which feels right but not yet seeing the next, all that has a lot to offer.)

And I might also do this kind of thing if I'm "tasked out"---a number of tasks need to be done, but none of them particularly get my juices flowing.