Delusional thoughts

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Hi. For the past few months I have been in a real deppression. After a rough life. Im kinda new to the forums but basiclly, I never reallt socialised well with other people, People see me as weired, "In his own world" eccentric, Boistorous and what have you. Im pretty sure What I have can be classified as a form of autism, ADHD-PI or schyzotypal or schzoid, the basics of antisocial mental "disorders". My identical twin was diagnosed as ADHD as a child but my mother never bothered to get me checked aswell, since I was generally a quicker learner than he was. I still feel that I either share hid ADHD or what might of been his misdiagnosed A.S.

I graduated in highschooland dropped out of college due to inatentiveness, started living at my grandmother's and working odd jobs to pass some time and sort of "find myself". I was on antideppressants but felt like they werent giving me any strong resultsand so I stopped about a year ago several month's later I become uninsured when I turned 19. In these odd jobs I worked at a pharmacy, grocery store and a diner and at each one I had to quit because my employers made it really hard for me. Bosses are basiclly jerks (as many of you know) and when one of your employees is innatentive and antisocial I suppsoe it's ok to put a target on his back. I was basiclly bullied and ridiculed, as I was for most of my life. Since losing those jobs I decided that I was going to become a trucker when I turn 23 and spend the next 4 years in the military so that i'll always have a job. I took the aptitude test, did well and setlled for a basic job below my score (electrician).

Here's where the dellusions start. And im not sure if these are exactlly delusions or not and since I am uninsured and about to enlist I figured that I'd come here for advice.

Right around the time that I lost my last job and began to enlist I started getting extremely deppressed and having thoughts of suicide. This is normal for my situation and I figured that I'd "Man-up" through it all. But here I am, examining my life the fact that I barely ever had any freidns in my life, I seem to have a strong repulsion toward starting and finishing classwork assignments (failing school), I spend over 2/3rd of my day in my own head to what I belive are just vivid day dreams and because of this I am unable to provide the attention snescisary in basic conversation skills. In all of this thought about how much of a loser I am these suicidal thoughts became more vivid "commands" to myself in words such as "you're a loser", "You dont deserve to live" "Just kill yourself now". These thoughts have been on/off for about 2 months and im starting to get scared. Am I schitzophrenic?!

Please note that I am not hearing these sounds or confusing them for real voice, however These thoughts are circulating through my brain all day and I seem to have little controle over it. I just want to know if ANYONE has expierienced this here. Im extremely deppressed because im out of work and idk what to do. I have neevr expierienced a sensation like this. My original plan was to enlist into the military, stay antisocial and try to get on an ADHD-PI/ anti deppressant medication while doing my service but now a freind of mine (internet pal) is advising me against it saying that it is a closed minded and foolish desision. I'd appreciate any feedback.

Im supposed to leave at the end of this month. And I dont even want to try and delay the trip. Im sorta-confident that I can handle it. Sicne the military is very proffesional. But I fear that im making another one of my short sided/impulsive dicissions.

Someone I know has suicidal delusions so strong that they
even forget the fact that if they do it then their family
won't be covered by (life) insurance. Yes it sounds
like the same kind of thoughts. A non-suicidally-depressed
person would never think those thoughts because the
delusional reasons for suicide are so silly compared to
anything I can possibly imagine escaping from by dieing.
Yet they have attempted suicide several times.

They are now on a powerful antidepressant, and they don't
have the delusions anymore, and they're coping with such an
extraordinarily stressful life that I couldn't even imagine
living in their life for even one day. BUT I WOULDN'T COMMIT
SUICIDE. Maybe I would run away or something instead.

I don't understand why suicidal delusions happen and
take the form of a bad moment that seems like a whole
bad awful life time in a bad universe with a lot of thoughts of
escaping. But based on what they said, I believe that that
is what they are experiencing. The delusion is a short
amount of isolated time with a lifetime worth of some
kind of unrealistic emotional pain in it all at once.

I've been experiencing this phenomenon for so long now I honestly can't even remember when it started. I don't know if it was a few years ago, or when I was a young teenager. Maybe it's come and gone - my depression seems to have greater and lesser cycles, so maybe it just fades away for awhile and then comes back later, I'm not sure. The last several years it's become a near-constant, always running somewhere in the background. It's not 'hearing voices' - I know very well it's my own mind or some part of it, sometimes it's me talking aloud to myself, and it doesn't compel me to take any immediate action, it's more like voicing the inevitability of despair out loud. And with the passage of time, it only feels calmer, and more resigned.

But I don't believe in mood meds. They often cause far more serious evils than the ones they're supposed to be fixing.

ValMikeSMith- I have these same things happen. The voices are negative self talk. When I am in a very deep depression I get this, it isn't Schizophrenia. I would caution you against going to the military. If you think having a civilian boss is rough, you haven't seen anything yet. Military life would be extremely difficult and detrimental for an un-medicated person with ADHD or AS. I spent 12 years in, but my worst years of depression did not come until I had been in for a while. I am an undiagnosed Aspie, BTW. I did have some problems with the military life, and they were directly related to my Aspie traits. The fact that I worked in a field that valued my mathematical mind and computer skills made me a successful Airman. The AF is a better environment for people like me, too.

I am not anti-military because of any bad experiences. I think many people are very suitable and would do well. I just think you should enter with a healthy mental outlook. If they find mental illness or learning disability while you are in training they will quickly kick you out so that they will not be responsible for medical care.

Basic training is a stressful and sometimes depressing time already so going there with severe depression would not work. I am not saying you will never be able to join, I just caution you to wait until you are not as fragile and emotional.

I dont know you, or your problems with deppressive medications. And mabye it isnt my place but I think u should explore all the options available to you. Including medication, even if it's very weak.

I wouldnt want to live the way I am if I had the option of treatment.

Can I ask what ur problems were?

Well, I was only 19 when I joined, and I did have some problems living in open barracks with other people, showering in an open shower with a bunch of strangers and being treated like an idiot for every single syllable I uttered. You have to do every single thing exactly the way they tell you to. It is a process of making you conform to the group and learn to be part of a cohesive team. It is all about discipline and rules. If this is important to you then it may work.

My problems with depression became a big deal because seeing a shrink and taking medicines for it affects your readiness and possibly your clearance in the military. People know your business if they are in your chain of command. You have no privacy and you are not treated as an individual. You can get in serious trouble if you have melt downs too. I don't have these, but I can see where they would affect advancement. My issues were with the privacy and being forced to interact with others, even get up in front of people to train (oy vey!).

Also, many of the traits for Aspies do not go well with the military. For example, if you executive dysfunction this will make training and working at your duty station very difficult because you will be expected to do things a certain way. There is no individuality so doing things your own way will get you into trouble. If you have sensory issues it is just too bad- no accommodation for that.

I ultimately left the AF because I had a young child about to start Kindergarten and I really did not want to keep deploying and leaving her with relatives, disrupting her education. I am a single mom.

You reminded me of this post:


It was from this thread link

You said you hear it all day but maybe you often fall in this state of mind when brainvawes are like in between wakefulness and sleep...