Board index › Coping in life › The Haven

When is this going to stop?!

Page 1 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

raisedbyignorance
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,225
Location: Indiana

07 Apr 2010, 3:56 pm

I cant take it anymore!

Every damn time I'm in a different school or environment I have people getting on my ass about being so quiet. Now the teachers are doing this to me too. We had these icebreakers and I said my name...the teacher interrupt me to say "and she's quiet".

I'm so sick of this crap! So what if I'm quiet? I got a "Funny Award" for this in 8th grade. How being quiet is considered funny I still dont get. Why do people have to get on me for this?

I told the teacher I have AS, but I really should've gone into how I dont appreciate being called out for stupid stuff like being quiet and not smiling and that people need to get use to it because I cant change something I was born with and we'll get along just fine if people will keep the dumbass labels to themselves.

I plan to lose it one of these days. Do I have to wear a shirt that says "yeah I'm quiet, now shut the [] up and get use to it"? Because I will get really crabby whenever people do this. Worse is when strangers do this to me. I'll go to a restaraunt or whatever and the waiters will do this to me. Yes I understand that interaction is a part of their jobs. How about I wear a pin that says "just give me what I'm paying for...no interaction please." I remember one trip to DisneyWorld this one cast member wouldnt let me get through the line until I smiled I was perfectly fine on the inside. I wasnt grumpy or depressed or nothing until that happened. I really cant smile...not even for pictures. It's so fake when I do it. The only time I can naturally smile is when I'm laughing. One classmate took a picture of me when I was laughing one time. I wanted to punch him in the face because I knew the context behind him taking a picture of me doing something I rarely do but he's dead, so yeah...

I'm sorry if I cant get my facial expressions to match my inner feelings. I thought that's part of the whole Asperger's deal. So why am I still getting ripped and teased for it? It's not that hard to recognize people with Autism on the outside. What is wrong with these people?

People need to realize that teasing me for not smiling is going to want me to smile even less! I dont understand why people think this is the better approach.

And some people are just quiet. We're talkative in our minds. Why is it so hard for neurotypicals to accept some people in a group not talking? I'll never understand this!



Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

07 Apr 2010, 4:17 pm

When people comment on the fact that you're 'quiet'....

reply silently with your finger...


then smile... :wink:



AspiInLV
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 88
Location: The Unemployment capitol of the US

07 Apr 2010, 4:25 pm

People interpret silence as a sign of dislike. Lack of smiling is appears unfriendly. In nature for some reason when animals intend to attack, they smile



leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

07 Apr 2010, 5:05 pm

raisedbyignorance wrote:
Why is it so hard for neurotypicals to accept some people in a group not talking? I'll never understand this!


Possibly for the same kinds of reasons some of us have difficulty accepting talkative people, and neither do I understand. Maybe all of us in any category have preferences for people of our own ilk?

A young and vibrant telemarketer called last night, and I did my best to be pleasant while trying to end the call as quickly as possible ... but she was quite sweetly persistent, so I just said I was in no condition for conversation and hung up.


_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================


Apera
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 871
Location: In Your Eyes

07 Apr 2010, 5:42 pm

Learn Sign Language, the pretend to be one of those deaf-mutes.


_________________
When I allow it to be
There's no control over me
I have my fears
But they do not have me


Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

07 Apr 2010, 5:45 pm

leejosepho wrote:
A young and vibrant telemarketer called last night, and I did my best to be pleasant while trying to end the call as quickly as possible ... but she was quite sweetly persistent, so I just said I was in no condition for conversation and hung up.


The nicest thing you can do for a telemarketer (if you're not going to buy what they're selling) is hang up on them. Don't explain yourself, they're on the clock and don't have time to waste on people who aren't going to buy, so your polite story is wasting precious time and as long as they have you on the line, they're required to keep trying. Just hang up, so they can go on to the next number on their call sheet. They have a quota to make and they'll get fired if they miss it, so just hang up on them so they can get back to work. Been there, its a thankless miserable way to make a living.



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

07 Apr 2010, 7:44 pm

Quote:
People need to realize that teasing me for not smiling is going to want me to smile even less! I dont understand why people think this is the better approach.


actually 'people' can't help smiling to people they know. It's a reflex to them. They don't even know it is a reflex, either. They just do it. And that is the crux of the issue, raisedbyignorance, since they do it reflexively they would have to force themselves to not do it, and so they are thinking that you must be forcing yourself not to smile or talk.

And since they couldn't really conceive of something they don't have any idea about (that someone wouldn't have this reflex, because they don't know it is a reflex and they have to consciously stop themselves from doing it. So save your breath trying to convince them to just let you the #$%@ alone.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. I have learned to just grimace that thing that happens to my face when I think I am smiling and they think I am 'making faces'. (shrug)

So in answer to your question
Quote:
When is this going to stop?


the answer is:

No time soon. :( Sorry


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


raisedbyignorance
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,225
Location: Indiana

07 Apr 2010, 8:30 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
Quote:
People need to realize that teasing me for not smiling is going to want me to smile even less! I dont understand why people think this is the better approach.


actually 'people' can't help smiling to people they know. It's a reflex to them. They don't even know it is a reflex, either. They just do it. And that is the crux of the issue, raisedbyignorance, since they do it reflexively they would have to force themselves to not do it, and so they are thinking that you must be forcing yourself not to smile or talk.

And since they couldn't really conceive of something they don't have any idea about (that someone wouldn't have this reflex, because they don't know it is a reflex and they have to consciously stop themselves from doing it. So save your breath trying to convince them to just let you the #$%@ alone.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. I have learned to just grimace that thing that happens to my face when I think I am smiling and they think I am 'making faces'. (shrug)

So in answer to your question
Quote:
When is this going to stop?


the answer is:

No time soon. :( Sorry


This just irritates me cause not a day goes where I dont have to endure this. Even my dad will tease me about this despite all the research he did after my AS diagnosis.

But your points had got me really thinking. Too often people I dont even know will often start a conversation with me with stuff like "You know you're awfully quiet" or "why don't you ever smile?"

It makes me wonder...if NTs dont even know that they're smiling and greet people with such ridiculous conversation...who got's the real social skill problem here?!



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

07 Apr 2010, 8:58 pm

raisedbyignorance wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
Quote:
People need to realize that teasing me for not smiling is going to want me to smile even less! I dont understand why people think this is the better approach.


actually 'people' can't help smiling to people they know. It's a reflex to them. They don't even know it is a reflex, either. They just do it. And that is the crux of the issue, raisedbyignorance, since they do it reflexively they would have to force themselves to not do it, and so they are thinking that you must be forcing yourself not to smile or talk.

And since they couldn't really conceive of something they don't have any idea about (that someone wouldn't have this reflex, because they don't know it is a reflex and they have to consciously stop themselves from doing it. So save your breath trying to convince them to just let you the #$%@ alone.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. I have learned to just grimace that thing that happens to my face when I think I am smiling and they think I am 'making faces'. (shrug)

So in answer to your question
Quote:
When is this going to stop?


the answer is:

No time soon. :( Sorry


This just irritates me cause not a day goes where I dont have to endure this. Even my dad will tease me about this despite all the research he did after my AS diagnosis.

But your points had got me really thinking. Too often people I dont even know will often start a conversation with me with stuff like "You know you're awfully quiet" or "why don't you ever smile?"

It makes me wonder...if NTs dont even know that they're smiling and greet people with such ridiculous conversation...who got's the real social skill problem here?!


Now you are thinking! They don't know their own inborn wiring hooks them up like that. They (maybe) can't conceive that others can be different because they don't know what they are doing 'naturally'. So they ask you, WHY and try to (helpfully) point it out to you that you are not doing what they are used to.

I imagine them talking among themselves:
Quote:
he: do you know that XXX doesn't smile hello?
she: yes, I noticed that
he: do you know anyone else that doesn't do that?
she: no I don't
he: since none of us has ever heard of anyone that does that, maybe we should remind him he is not smiling or being quiet so he can quit that behaviour?
she: oh! that would be most helpful for him, yes, lets do it as a favor to him!

or some such.

they have no idea, and frankly probably won't no matter how much you tell them. I get it all the time. I finally just grin like a jack-o-lantern all the time and people shut up about it.

sheesh. I try to be by myself for 'quality time.'

Merle


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


Athenacapella
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 374

07 Apr 2010, 9:05 pm

I'm reminded of the story of President Calvin Coolidge. He was known for being very quiet.

One man told his friends that he was going to meet with the president, and they bet him that they couldn't get the president to say three words.

The man told the president this, and the president replied, "you lose."

Maybe you could tell the teachers (who don't seem just outright hostile) this story, privately, in a joking manner, and tell them that you hope they understand that just because you're quiet, it doesn't mean that you aren't listening or that you don't know the subject matter. It just doesn't come naturally to you to speak up, and you'd appreciate if they don't make comments about you being quiet.

Of course, I never would have had the courage to do that when I was in school ...

I'm also reminded of the time when I was very young, perhaps 5, and we were at Disney World. My mom thought I was unhappy by my facial expression, but I was actually perfectly fine. She asked what she could do to make me happy, and I replied "ice cream." But then I felt guilty that I made her get me ice cream when I already was happy. (And I only learned about AS a few months ago.)

Today I *hate* when sales people come up to me. I used to be notoriously rude to them, and then feel guilty. I try not to be rude to them any more, but with the persistent ones it's tough. I read in one book that an Aspie had small cards made up that said she has Asperger's, and it makes her uncomfortable to talk with strangers (or something like that) so that they would leave her alone.



Brennan
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2010
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 309
Location: Sydney

08 Apr 2010, 3:15 am

I hated that "you're so quiet" or "you're so shy" stuff when I was in school. I got it during my entire schooling.
I didn't and I still don't see why it is such an issue to not talk all the time. If I don't want to talk I don't see why I should be made to feel guilty about it. But apparently, it is a big issue.

Also, totally agree with everyone who hates sales staff that try to strike up conversations with them. I, too, find that really unsettling.



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

08 Apr 2010, 7:38 am

Brennan wrote:
I hated that "you're so quiet" or "you're so shy" stuff when I was in school. I got it during my entire schooling.
I didn't and I still don't see why it is such an issue to not talk all the time. If I don't want to talk I don't see why I should be made to feel guilty about it. But apparently, it is a big issue.

Also, totally agree with everyone who hates sales staff that try to strike up conversations with them. I, too, find that really unsettling.


and when you don't respond to their 'friendliness' they follow you around thinking you are going to to shoplift.
Quote:
"She didn't look at me in the eyes! I thought she was suspicious!"
is an actual quote from one clerk when I complained to their manager.


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


Meow101
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,699
Location: USA

08 Apr 2010, 7:43 am

sinsboldly wrote:
Brennan wrote:
I hated that "you're so quiet" or "you're so shy" stuff when I was in school. I got it during my entire schooling.
I didn't and I still don't see why it is such an issue to not talk all the time. If I don't want to talk I don't see why I should be made to feel guilty about it. But apparently, it is a big issue.

Also, totally agree with everyone who hates sales staff that try to strike up conversations with them. I, too, find that really unsettling.


and when you don't respond to their 'friendliness' they follow you around thinking you are going to to shoplift.
Quote:
"She didn't look at me in the eyes! I thought she was suspicious!"
is an actual quote from one clerk when I complained to their manager.


Oh crap, I've had that happen. I hate it.

~Kate


_________________
Ce e amorul? E un lung
Prilej pentru durere,
Caci mii de lacrimi nu-i ajung
Si tot mai multe cere.
--Mihai Eminescu


jagatai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2010
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,475
Location: Los Angeles

08 Apr 2010, 8:47 am

sinsboldly wrote:
and when you don't respond to their 'friendliness' they follow you around thinking you are going to to shoplift.
Quote:
"She didn't look at me in the eyes! I thought she was suspicious!"
is an actual quote from one clerk when I complained to their manager.


That's a good point. I have always felt very anxious around anyone with socially sanctioned authority like cops or what not. I have probably been regarded with suspicion most of my life for my quiet and reclusive nature so I have developed an anxiety around anyone who might feel justified at throwing me into Guantanamo.

I still have to deal with excessively gregarious sales people, but by isolating myself and limiting the people I deal with, I find I get a lot less of the annoying comments. I don't know that that is the best solution, but it is effective.

Lars



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

08 Apr 2010, 11:30 pm

jagatai wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
and when you don't respond to their 'friendliness' they follow you around thinking you are going to to shoplift.
Quote:
"She didn't look at me in the eyes! I thought she was suspicious!"
is an actual quote from one clerk when I complained to their manager.


That's a good point. I have always felt very anxious around anyone with socially sanctioned authority like cops or what not. I have probably been regarded with suspicion most of my life for my quiet and reclusive nature so I have developed an anxiety around anyone who might feel justified at throwing me into Guantanamo.

I still have to deal with excessively gregarious sales people, but by isolating myself and limiting the people I deal with, I find I get a lot less of the annoying comments. I don't know that that is the best solution, but it is effective.

Lars


I have found my answer to your conundrum, Lars. :D I have found a national chain stores that satisfy clothing my body, undies to overcoat. I took some time and went to my local store and tried things on. I didn't overwhelm myself by trying to chose anything. I was just sizing things up, seeing that they had 100% cotton and clothes didn't bind or elastic too tight or have comfy draw strings and easy to wash and care for. When it passes my criteria, I don't buy it then (I am too exhausted! and I have to get out of there!)

I just go home and order from the online catalog. I know what it feels like, I know how it fits, I know if it is prickly or fuzzy or what sort of fabric and how to launder it and I take my time, and order it cheaper than I can buy it in the shop. I can get the shipping free if I ship to that store and I just come down and pick it up, and if I don't like something, I can send it back right then or trade for store credit. The nice part about it is after I make that first visit, I am done with the 'try-on and chose' madness that makes me be a ragamuffin before I brave the mall, ever! :D

AND I can look pretty well put together, too. cause I got it all at one place. And no one makes me feel uncomfortable trying to 'wait on me'.

your mileage may vary,

Merle


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


Horus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,302
Location: A rock in the milky way

09 Apr 2010, 1:44 am

raisedbyignorance wrote:
I cant take it anymore!

Every damn time I'm in a different school or environment I have people getting on my ass about being so quiet. Now the teachers are doing this to me too. We had these icebreakers and I said my name...the teacher interrupt me to say "and she's quiet".

I'm so sick of this crap! So what if I'm quiet? I got a "Funny Award" for this in 8th grade. How being quiet is considered funny I still dont get. Why do people have to get on me for this?

I told the teacher I have AS, but I really should've gone into how I dont appreciate being called out for stupid stuff like being quiet and not smiling and that people need to get use to it because I cant change something I was born with and we'll get along just fine if people will keep the dumbass labels to themselves.

I plan to lose it one of these days. Do I have to wear a shirt that says "yeah I'm quiet, now shut the [] up and get use to it"? Because I will get really crabby whenever people do this. Worse is when strangers do this to me. I'll go to a restaraunt or whatever and the waiters will do this to me. Yes I understand that interaction is a part of their jobs. How about I wear a pin that says "just give me what I'm paying for...no interaction please." I remember one trip to DisneyWorld this one cast member wouldnt let me get through the line until I smiled I was perfectly fine on the inside. I wasnt grumpy or depressed or nothing until that happened. I really cant smile...not even for pictures. It's so fake when I do it. The only time I can naturally smile is when I'm laughing. One classmate took a picture of me when I was laughing one time. I wanted to punch him in the face because I knew the context behind him taking a picture of me doing something I rarely do but he's dead, so yeah...

I'm sorry if I cant get my facial expressions to match my inner feelings. I thought that's part of the whole Asperger's deal. So why am I still getting ripped and teased for it? It's not that hard to recognize people with Autism on the outside. What is wrong with these people?

People need to realize that teasing me for not smiling is going to want me to smile even less! I dont understand why people think this is the better approach.

And some people are just quiet. We're talkative in our minds. Why is it so hard for neurotypicals to accept some people in a group not talking? I'll never understand this!




Boy can I relate to this!! ! The only difference is.....i'm never "fine inside".