Welcome to Hell! Please enjoy the mini-bar and feel free to take advantage of the online gift shops.
There's daily commiseration with the other guests around the pool area - discussion group topics include loneliness, abuse, frustration, heartbreak, personal fears, hopelessness, malaise, anger and of course, suicide.
Pets are welcome, but be advised that should you expire through accident or design, the management will not take action to prevent your cats from eating you...
Just in case there's any confusion, I am not making light of your unhappiness, just sharing a bit of wry humor with a fellow sufferer...
yeah, your humor is very british and dry. I like XD