issues with potential housemate/friend

Page 1 of 2 [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Catster29
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 218

11 Apr 2010, 9:13 am

A friend of mine is planning to move into my place I currently live on my own and have a two bedroom place set up to my taste as I am the one living there. The rent is $250 per week for the house I said to her previously that I would charge her slightly less because her room is smaller and doesn't have a walk in wardrobe just a normal in built one. I said tonight that I thought $5 per week less for the room was reasonable meaning I pay $130 and she $120 per week. She said "five dollars" and kept saying it like it wasn't enough also saying to me she thinks she should pay $110. She also wants to put some of her stuff own out around the house and get a cat (I already have one). I have no problem with her putting some things out but I have experienced places where I have rented and it was furnished and decorated "their way" and whilst I am willing to compromise it is my house afterall I have lived there for 3 years. I don't want finances to get in the way of a friendship but a couple of times recently I feel they have for example she recently got a food voucher and the bill for our stuff was $!7 over and she kept saying she thought I should pay the extra because she provided the voucher for us I thought we should go half half but didn't want to make a real issue. However over this one I think it needs to be sorted but are not 100% how to.

FYI the food voucher she offered me as a "present" because I did a favour to her you get them from charities if you are on the disability pension and then she rescinded on it or at least made an issue on it and I ended up paying the extra $17 because I didn't want to make an issue. She also offered me a petrol voucher she can get as a result of me doing her a favour and then said she wanted it before remembering she said she would give it to me so far I don't have it. In terms of the room I feel five a week less is appropriate because it is a smaller room but she would get access to anything in the house and I did say she could put some of her stuff out. She keeps saying she doesn't like my furniture etc I don't like that we all have different taste.I don't know what to do with mine as it is already there and I don't want to get rid of it. With the cat given I already have one I am concerned there will be problems as there was last time I brought in two together.



Last edited by Catster29 on 11 Apr 2010, 8:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Reducto
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 8 Apr 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 29

11 Apr 2010, 10:00 am

I see two solutions here:
1) Say you changed your mind and you don't think it will work out. You like having the place to yourself and you're worried that it will strain the friendship to live together.

2) Write up a lease that is very specific as to the amount of rent and what things are going to be allowed. Do month-to-month with the option to kick her out at any time (with whatever notice is required by law in your area)

It sounds like she will continue to be a pain in certain areas. If you don't take a stand now on the rent you may have trouble ever standing up in the future. Show her you're capable of standing your ground now. You carry the financial liability on the house because you are the primary renter - this entitles you to the bigger room and more control over the environment. Tell her if she thinks she can find a better place for $120/wk she is welcome to try. I don't know where you live but that sounds pretty cheap to me.

No matter what, make sure you're up on rental laws in your area - in some places it's very hard to get rid of someone once they're in. In others, it's just a matter of giving a 30 day notice.



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

11 Apr 2010, 10:14 am

Why is she moving in exactly?

If it's because you need help with the rent, that's one issue. If you are doing it to be nice, that's a different thing. About the money, $5 doesn't sound like much but it's a judgement call.

Personally, if you can afford it yourself, it might be best if you were to stay there on your own. Already there seem to be money issues.

Catster29 wrote:
she recently got a food voucher and the bill for our stuff was $!7 over and she kept saying she thought I should pay the extra because she provided the voucher for us I thought we should go half half but didn't want to make a real issue.


I'm guessing you meant $17. I'm not that experienced about dollars but if someone expected me to pay 17 euro for something (depending on circumstance), I'd be wondering about it.

Was it a free voucher or a gift voucher, or one that she earned through shopping there. If it was free, I'd be wondering if I'd have to pay extra for food/bills/etc if I was living with her. If it was a gift voucher or one she earned, that's a bit different, because (to my mind) it's like someone gave her money that's good only at one outlet (depending on the vouchers worth). If the voucher was worth between $17 and $20 it's fair enough but if it was $10 or less, she should have put some money towards the bill. Bear in mind though that it's her voucher regardless of source.

But a thing to think about is, if you're having minor issues (that bother you now), they will (usually) get bigger when living together.



Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

11 Apr 2010, 11:46 am

Catster29 wrote:
A friend of mine is planning to move into my place I currently live on my own and have a two bedroom place set up to my taste as I am the one living there. The rent is $250 per week for the house I said to her previously that I would charge her slightly less because her room is smaller and doesn't have a walk in wardrobe just a normal in built one. I said tonight that I thought $5 per week less for the room was reasonable meaning I pay $130 and she $120 per week. She said "five dollars" and kept saying it like it wasn't enough also saying to me she thinks she should pay $110. She also wants to put some of her stuff own out around the house and get a cat (I already have one). I have no problem with her putting some things out but I have experienced places where I have rented and it was furnished and decorated "their way" and whilst I am willing to compromise it is my house afterall I have lived there for 3 years. I don't want finances to get in the way of a friendship but a couple of times recently I feel they have for example she recently got a food voucher and the bill for our stuff was $!7 over and she kept saying she thought I should pay the extra because she provided the voucher for us I thought we should go half half but didn't want to make a real issue. However over this one I think it needs to be sorted but are not 100% how to.


Catster, I think you are being a bit unfair to your friend. You seem to be expecting her to pay for half the house, yet have hardly any say in how it is run.

If she is paying nearly 50% of the rent (less due to the smaller room), then she should be allowed have 50% of a say in how the household is operated. That includes having a cat, allowing her to leave her stuff around the house, and all the same rights that you have. It doesn't matter if you were there first, or that you like things as they are.

If you want to 'own' the rest of the house, then you should only offer to rent her the room (at say, $50 a week), and not charge her nearly as much as yourself.

With regards to the food voucher, again I think she is correct; it was her voucher. If she used it to contribute to her share of the groceries and the voucher helped cover her share, then she's quits. There is no rule that flatmates have to go 50:50 on groceries. My boyfriend and I live together and we only split things in half if it clearly looks like we each spent the same amount, otherwise we go through the bill and sort out who owes what.

If you think that financial worries may interfere with your friendship, then you may want to reconsider renting.



chaotik_lord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 597

11 Apr 2010, 12:52 pm

The quickest way to loathe your friends is to have them move in with you. I've only allowed it (until this time, at my roommate's urging) when they paid nothing for their room, thus making them very respectful of my ownership of the space. But they may have hated that feeling.

I'd agree about the voucher being hers.



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

11 Apr 2010, 1:35 pm

This can't end well. Does the move-in have to happen? Because if there is any way for it not to, that would be best.



CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 121,245
Location: In my own little country

11 Apr 2010, 2:03 pm

This makes me glad to be living in an apartment, where I can't have a room mate.


_________________
The Family Schlager


ValMikeSmith
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2008
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 977
Location: Stranger in a strange land

11 Apr 2010, 3:45 pm

This type of situation is one I can usually see coming from
far away before it arrives and when it does I am not here
to put up with it, but when it sneaks up on me, it is an
automatic disconnect... in other words... say GO AWAY,
I DO NOT NEED THIS (KIND OF TROUBLE).

I think anyone else might have anticipated their haggling
with a higher offer and to hold firm at 50%, probably even
with requiring a month in advance as security for that
inevitable last month.

Your strategy was to offer a minimum responsibility and
they have immediately stated their intent to not honor
their minimum responsibility from their very beginning
so they are going to "nickel and dime you" constantly
for a very long time, in other words, use every chance
they have to waste your money and take advantage
of the deal at your expense.

Someone recently tried something like this with me,
only they paid nothing for something until it was done,
but it totally backfired because they lied about the
purpose of the project (a custom machine that was
really a patentable invention to them). Because they
didn't pay for new parts I used obsolete ones, and
when they wanted an upgrade still without paying,
I canceled the project entirely, with both of us feeling
ripped off. But don't forget that they called a project
an ordinary job, and gave me nothing but an idea for
using real materials, as if that somehow entitled them
to the idea and the whole machine itself for free.
So they paid nothing and got nothing.
And I just spent my time making a machine for myself,
which is what I do anyway.

Summary:
You offered your "friend" a room for a price, and they are
counter offering less money and more pain. This means
cancel your offer unless you like trouble.

And such a person, I wouldn't even have them as a guest,
since once such a person spent all of their time abusing
utilities. Example: Who goes to visit someone and does
nothing but make long distance calls and watch pay TV?
It goes without saying that any guest also has to eat
and have normal and obvious necessities.



Catster29
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 218

11 Apr 2010, 7:56 pm

There are potential problems now and it is a catch 22. She says I "boss her around" I fail to see how asking her to feed my car whilst I went to the toilet was a big deal she could have said no. It is possible I am a little bit overbearing given I come from an abusive and controlling background but if it is true it is only minor not serous. Two others say this isn't the case that friernds ask each other to do things and do things for each other she asks me for help I don't mind I do it no probs. She also says she might not want to move in and not to take it personally I do take it that way and think she needs to realize that your first house you move into isn't going to be everything you want. I never could have a cat, I always used the other peoples furniture but I enjoyed the freedom of being out of home. I do ask her for things and don't deny that but IMO there is nothing wrong with that.



Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

12 Apr 2010, 3:34 am

Quote:
Catster29 wrote:
There are potential problems now and it is a catch 22. She says I "boss her around" I fail to see how asking her to feed my cat whilst I went to the toilet was a big deal she could have said no. It is possible I am a little bit overbearing given I come from an abusive and controlling background but if it is true it is only minor not serous. Two others say this isn't the case that friernds ask each other to do things and do things for each other she asks me for help I don't mind I do it no probs.


Could you not feed your cat yourself after you came back? :?

Tone of voice is really important if you're asking someone for a favour. If you're not sure you can control it, then sprinkle a load of 'pleases', 'thank yous' and 'do you minds?' throughout.

Quote:
She also says she might not want to move in and not to take it personally I do take it that way and think she needs to realize that your first house you move into isn't going to be everything you want. I never could have a cat, I always used the other peoples furniture but I enjoyed the freedom of being out of home. I do ask her for things and don't deny that but IMO there is nothing wrong with that.


If there's any doubt at all, then it's a bad idea. I haven't lived with a friend before, but I have lived with a girl whose friend moved into our house. After about a month, they hated each other's guts (they were both quite extrovert, confident people and just seemed to rub each other up the wrong way).

Honestly, you shouldn't take it personally; she still likes you as a friend. But it's her money and she should shop around for the best place she can afford. That may not necessarily be yours.



Catster29
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 218

12 Apr 2010, 4:26 am

Lene wrote:
Quote:
Catster29 wrote:
There are potential problems now and it is a catch 22. She says I "boss her around" I fail to see how asking her to feed my cat whilst I went to the toilet was a big deal she could have said no. It is possible I am a little bit overbearing given I come from an abusive and controlling background but if it is true it is only minor not serous. Two others say this isn't the case that friernds ask each other to do things and do things for each other she asks me for help I don't mind I do it no probs.


Could you not feed your cat yourself after you came back? :?

Tone of voice is really important if you're asking someone for a favour. If you're not sure you can control it, then sprinkle a load of 'pleases', 'thank yous' and 'do you minds?' throughout.

Quote:
She also says she might not want to move in and not to take it personally I do take it that way and think she needs to realize that your first house you move into isn't going to be everything you want. I never could have a cat, I always used the other peoples furniture but I enjoyed the freedom of being out of home. I do ask her for things and don't deny that but IMO there is nothing wrong with that.


If there's any doubt at all, then it's a bad idea. I haven't lived with a friend before, but I have lived with a girl whose friend moved into our house. After about a month, they hated each other's guts (they were both quite extrovert, confident people and just seemed to rub each other up the wrong way).

Honestly, you shouldn't take it personally; she still likes you as a friend. But it's her money and she should shop around for the best place she can afford. That may not necessarily be yours.


I did say please I said "would you mind feeding him please he is hungry" yes i could have done it myself but thing is i do stuff for her she does things for me is how i saw it as long as it is within reason and I think feeding Tigger was within reason. It isn't liek I asked her for a gun. I helped her to get a disability pension as well as go for her licence through an occupational therapist (an option you have with a disability) both of which were things that changed her life forever and took up a lot of my time but I didnt mind because I liked helping her.



Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

12 Apr 2010, 6:21 am

Quote:
"would you mind feeding him please he is hungry"


Oooh... bad way to phrase it. Sorry, I know that sounds strange, but if you got the tone of voice even slightly wrong, that sentence reads a bit like a parent making a sarcastic request (sort of like "would you mind doing the dishes please? they're not going to do themselves"). My response, if you had said that to me, would have been "well feed him yourself then".

I find requests work best if you say why you cannot perform the action yourself i.e. "I need to nip to the bathroom, would you mind feeding Tigger for me? Thanks!". Funny enough, the word 'please' almost gets in the way here, and I'd be inclined to leave it out and use 'thanks' instead.

Just because you have done someone a favour in the past doesn't mean that you should act like you are entitled to a favour in return. Most decent people will do small favours for friends regardless of whether they have done them anything for them recently, but acting like they owe you one is a great way to put someones back up.



Catster29
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 218

12 Apr 2010, 9:35 am

Im not acting like she owes me a favour more my thinking is that friends do things for each other I don't think I did anything wrong I also think she could have said no if people don't say no I am not a mind reader and assume it is ok. I would have done it if she asked me to feed her cat.



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

12 Apr 2010, 3:03 pm

Catster29 wrote:
There are potential problems now and it is a catch 22. She says I "boss her around" I fail to see how asking her to feed my car whilst I went to the toilet was a big deal she could have said no. It is possible I am a little bit overbearing given I come from an abusive and controlling background but if it is true it is only minor not serous. Two others say this isn't the case that friernds ask each other to do things and do things for each other she asks me for help I don't mind I do it no probs. She also says she might not want to move in and not to take it personally I do take it that way and think she needs to realize that your first house you move into isn't going to be everything you want. I never could have a cat, I always used the other peoples furniture but I enjoyed the freedom of being out of home. I do ask her for things and don't deny that but IMO there is nothing wrong with that.


Why would you take it personally? Near enough everyone here has said that your friend moving with in you is probably a bad idea. You want things to be a certian way, that's fine when you're on your own, when you're sharing it's different.

I've been in an apartment where the attitude was "it's my house, things have to be done my way". Myself and my bf were paying exactly half of the rent, we gave our months notice to leave the second day we were living there. We left within seven days. Now, these people weren't friends of ours, so it could take a lot longer before stresses get that bad (due to your friendship) but be aware that it can cause the friendship to get strained.

Please take a look at the information you've already presented: (1) You're already having disputes over money, (2) She said she felt that you were bossing her around. These issues will probably get much worse if she moves in.

About her feeling bossed around, if she mentioned it, it could be a big issue for her. Just because it isn't a big issue for you, doesn't automaticly mean it's not a big deal for her.

You've already said that you want to preserve the friendship. Some people don't live well together but can be great friends when living separately, please think about this.



Catster29
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 218

12 Apr 2010, 7:13 pm

LostAlien wrote:
Catster29 wrote:
There are potential problems now and it is a catch 22. She says I "boss her around" I fail to see how asking her to feed my car whilst I went to the toilet was a big deal she could have said no. It is possible I am a little bit overbearing given I come from an abusive and controlling background but if it is true it is only minor not serous. Two others say this isn't the case that friernds ask each other to do things and do things for each other she asks me for help I don't mind I do it no probs. She also says she might not want to move in and not to take it personally I do take it that way and think she needs to realize that your first house you move into isn't going to be everything you want. I never could have a cat, I always used the other peoples furniture but I enjoyed the freedom of being out of home. I do ask her for things and don't deny that but IMO there is nothing wrong with that.


Why would you take it personally? Near enough everyone here has said that your friend moving with in you is probably a bad idea. You want things to be a certian way, that's fine when you're on your own, when you're sharing it's different.

I've been in an apartment where the attitude was "it's my house, things have to be done my way". Myself and my bf were paying exactly half of the rent, we gave our months notice to leave the second day we were living there. We left within seven days. Now, these people weren't friends of ours, so it could take a lot longer before stresses get that bad (due to your friendship) but be aware that it can cause the friendship to get strained.

Please take a look at the information you've already presented: (1) You're already having disputes over money, (2) She said she felt that you were bossing her around. These issues will probably get much worse if she moves in.

About her feeling bossed around, if she mentioned it, it could be a big issue for her. Just because it isn't a big issue for you, doesn't automaticly mean it's not a big deal for her.

You've already said that you want to preserve the friendship. Some people don't live well together but can be great friends when living separately, please think about this.


It clearly is an issue for her as some things she does annoy me given we are both aspie but no I don't think it is the issue she is making it and neither do others who have observed us.



raisedbyignorance
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,225
Location: Indiana

12 Apr 2010, 7:45 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
This makes me glad to be living in an apartment, where I can't have a room mate.


Agreed. Any sign of trouble at the beginning is usually a forewarning of roommate disaster down the road (I say this from personal experience).

Living along spares yourself from lots of stress and trouble.