service industry - food

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I work at this deli inside a supermarket, and I hate it. Its hell.

When I first started I was so much more open-minded because I really needed a job. It was really hard. The really rough beginning where I knew absolutely nothing and I was really slow to adapt and pick up. I had my hands full. It was also frustrating because It seemed to everyone else that it was the first job I ever had. I look a little younger and my "whatever you want to call it about me" made me look like I was clueless. I had 2 jobs before that but neither of them were anything that could have prepared me for this. My co-workers just trying to conversate with me would ask me if It was my first job, but I felt insulted by that.

As the months picked up I grew to like my job because I realized the fantastic opportunity it presented me. Having all these customers all day long is really my chance to open up and talk to people. So I did that and I started feeling more confident, talking to more people. I started feeling good about myself and felt like I had changed.

I couldn't keep it up though, having that positive optimistic attitude takes all the energy in the world. I am exhausted now and sh*t happens I started taking the job too seriously, @ssh**** customers and disrespectful employees killed my care-free attitude.

Negative thinking kicked back in and got the best of me. Now I feel like I have regressed quite a bit and I'm sadly my same old self again. I avoid talking to customers if I can, and even the ones that try and talk to me don't get much.

I just realized how worthless my life must be if having some job hundreds of miles away from home was what gave me confidence where nothing else has. I haven't found my stride anywhere else in life in 22 years, and It feels more than a bit scary.

For me anyways being outgoing and confident and maintaining a positive outlook takes all the energy in the world. I have sleep problems I think Im an insomniac, and I have millions of other problems. Even when I was feeling good theres still no guarantee that people saw me as a "real" person. Everything might have been an illusion

Now its just hell for me, and im sick of it. All the strange bright lights of the supermarket the artificial atmosphere really makes me sick. All those people walking around with kids and carts having no consideration for others. I NEED to TRY REALLY hard to navigate around people to get where I need to go cuz its F****** hard sometimes.

I really hate the fact that I moved away from home to go to college ended up finishing 3 years then getting sick of being frustrated by a million and one issues failing out and then working some sh*t job not making enough to save up any money and barely being able to pay rent. Iv wasted close to a year doing nothing but working. Very few friends. No girlfriend, never had one. All for what. Why am I busting my ass every day if I have nothing and Im not going anywhere? Why am I doing this? If I had other things going on in my life to where I could take my mind off work like things regular people are accustomed to then fine.

Instead it feels like I have nothing and I feel fragmented like I have no identity. A deep disconnection with myself. Im starting to lose the "facade" where I pretend like Im comfortable, and iv been acting really awkward and strange lately. I realize that Im really not comfortable in any way in my own skin and I think thats pretty much the reason why Im alone without intimacy, and without a life.

Crowded customer service is the worst job for anyone that feels like I do. The worst possible crowded atmosphere with awful lights and all these people looking at you judging you, and Im convinced of the fact that Ithe way I move, my body posture, the way I speak, that its painfully obvious and people can tell. Even though I really want to be a regular outgoing guy im afraid no matter how hard I try the truth comes out that Im far from that

I just feel f*****g stuck like really? this is my life? I have nothing. Is this the shape of things to come? Is this really how the rest of my life is going to be? Working some job because you need money to pay for rent? no thank you life if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like then its not worth it, Id rather be a nowhere man or dead.

Im always at 0. Im always at scratch trying to get something going and no matter how hard I try I always end up at nothing again. By my age 22 at least the majority of my peers/classmates are going somewhere, have something going even if they are far from it. No experiences doing anything? At least even those knucklehead idiots from high school who didn't go to college are at least living decent lives being in relationships or getting laid whatever growing and finding their niches. At least they have regular experiences growing up etc.

Im still crawling. I dont have any experiences, I never had a "high school", even though I attended and graduated. For that matter I never had a "college" experience either. Theres nothing inside my head except some bad memories over the years which really dont mean much to me anymore. Im just completely lost disconnected and depressed.

I know I got a bit off topic and started to ramble, but yeah I hate my life. Everything had to happen exactly the way it did my entire life for me to be in this s**thole im in. I wish I could just change. Being optimistic and good-spirited take all the energy in the world and whenever I promise myself that Im going to do it no matter what I end up relapsing later on and Im tired of promising myself things are going to get better when they dont. Im tired of giving myself false promises.

I have nothing to go by, no template everything I do is an awful improvisation

I know you put that in a negative way, but to me (being a tarot obsessive) it means you're in a wonderful place to start. Being at zero means you have nothing to lose, so do something radical. Explore all your options. Remember to look at options that don't seem to be 'on the table'.

If you hate your job so much, what factors conspire to keep you in it? Can you work less often? How could you get a different job? Maybe you can get by without a job at all. Ask your supervisor if there's another job in the store you could try. These are all possibilities, some more radical than others. You can probably think of more. You mentioned being a nowhere man or a dead man. The last is an option you only want to explore if you have to, but what's a nowhere man? I think I was one for a good many years. It was probably good for me.

Try not to worry about being behind your peers. Try to keep your mind on some goal that is about yourself. I think I'm always about 10 years behind what my peers are doing. The twenties are hard. You're not a kid but you aren't an adult, and the pressures feel more insistent. But they are just feelings. You've still got a lot of growing, changing and adapting to go through. I'm sure that some kind of peace will find you if you keep after it.

Learn to let go of other people's negativity without letting it infect you, just shrug it away and say "I don't want that for me." Don't wear yourself out trying to be what you aren't, instead work out how to be yourself and get along, it's possible.

i know its just being at zero and feeling like I have no experience in anything on the other side to give me guidance and having to go all the way on my own present form/mental state at the moment seems like a huge daunting task.

The job is a job and thats why I keep it. Without it id be homeless I cant move back in with my parents and its hard finding another job, and I dont have transportation. And I dont have any support socially. I have a couple friends neither of who actually know who I am because of my permanent mask. Im basically a loner...always have been by myself

Its just so daunting that I feel like I do have to do something radical. But I dont want to leave to do that until I feel I am ready. I cant afford to fail again. It really feels like I am on the edge. I cant leave, but I cant stay. My parents are idiots I cant call them and seriously talk about problems without hearing "there are starving people in Africa" or "life isnt fair BS"