Flare Ups

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I am curious to know how to handle flare ups? (Not sure what the P.C. term is, sorry if I offend.) My husband seems to have them from time to time. I see them building before they happen most times, sometimes not. He will be very quiet, and keep to himself. Then he gets kind of nervous and jumpy like, then BOOM! The process seems to be the same whether it takes a couple of days, or a couple of hours. I am trying to be helpful, but I am at a loss. And frankly, after this last one, I feel myself going numb. Any suggestions on how I can handle this, and help? I feel like no matter what I try, I am wrong.

for the sake of your marriage, your hubby needs to fix this problem however he can fix it. you should not be expected to carry all the weight, as it were, for his problem, you have a life you must live also. if i were you, and your hubby refused to get treatment, i would not stick around, but instead engage him in "tough love." your hubby must be held accountable for his behavior.
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just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

No...my husband tried that with me, and is still trying it. I am miserable and there are certain things I can't change to make it better, and NO amount of threatening, nasty behavior, yelling, or insistence can "fix" me. I did learn to manage my meltdowns, about 15 years ago, but that wasn't good enough.

If you're an NT married to someone with AS, you need to decide if you can live with that person not being able to change certain things and either decide you can or you can't, and act accordingly. I am in a mess of a situation because my husband will neither accept me nor leave and give me my freedom. He picks at my AS traits all day and all night and hounds me to fix them. He has threatened to leave but never followed through, so now I am in the position of being the "bad one" or staying around and either changing (which I can't) or listening to his litany of reasons why I'm not good enough.

This is from over 25 years of experience. Make a decision. The AS isn't going to go away. Your husband can learn to manage things like meltdowns (I did, at some cost to myself and my inner peace, but that would be okay if it saved my relationship, which it did not) but the AS isn't going to go away. For his sake, and yours, decide one way or the other.

~Kate

Wow Meow- I hopr things work out with you. This is probably dmb to ask, btu have you done therapy together? Sometimes an outside person telling him that you cant help it can relaly put perspective on this. I should clarify that the counselor needs to be proficient in ASDs- maybe your personal therapist if you have one. I would think a garden variety counselor might pick on you too.


GNF- are these meltdowns? How do you usually handle things when he does have them? How often does he have them? I know that stress and environmental factors can affect the meltdowns, but you probably cant help them most of the time. Maybe you can go for a walk or he can go to another room when he has them. I don't have them much but I go shut myself in my room when it happens so no one is upset by me.

My husband doesn't like therapists in general, and he has it in his head that this is all "my problem' and I should have to fix it. Unfortunately, I do not think he would go to counseling with me. I may go, for my own benefit, but I doubt he will...I still want to find someone who knows a bit about AS.

The one thing I want to emphasize is that, especially when done without the aid of a therapist who knows about AS, trying to change these things can hurt more than they help, even if one succeeds. And, no matter how many things we do succeed in changing, the one thing we won't be able to do is be NT. If someone can't live with that, they should allow their partner to find someone who can.

~Kate

I wonder if sensory overload might be getting the best of him. Those who are unaware let it build up in small increments, like Chinese water torture. And then BOOM. That was me. I still need a tranquilizer, but I'm working on reducing the triggers.

In the meantime, the book that helped me the most is

Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World