Sorry I have to vent a little, because I feel horrible.

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My depression seems to be causing physical pain, probably combined with just being stressed and such as well. I don't want to resort to something stupid....like suicide so I figured it would be better to vent here. But yeah I just want all those supressed memories to go away.....I don't need to re-play that girl saying she was suprised I was not the psychopath with a gun during a lock down over and over agian in my mind, and I don't want to remember how horrible I felt when I constantly got called ret*d, stupid ect. regardless of my decent level of intelligence.

Lately I can't stop faking that I am ok around other people...like today I would not shut up on the ride home, and I really wish I would have......it kills me inside when I talk in a hopefull manner like I was doing because it is not even close to how I feel. But even today at the college I talked to a couple people and was able to act non-depressed during that. But yeah not only will unpleasent memories quit invading my thoughts....but I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I mean I've felt like crap for like 2 weeks....not that I don't feel depressed in general but its been worse lately. So yeah that's all I can really describe though I feel like its more complex.

Yes, depression is physically painful! Unwanted repetitive memories/thoughts just fuel it, and mysteriously become both the cause and the effect of the depression itself. I had them so persistently that I had to take an antipsychotic to control them (although I'm in no way psychotic). Is there anything that could help you?

I am sorry that you feel so bad, Sweetleaf. With regard to the person who made the cruel remark that you mentioned, may be you could write a letter, but not send it to them, explaining why what they said sucked and how it made you feel. I think you are a good person and I appreciate your contributions to the forum.

Sorry to hear that you have had a bad few weeks. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying especially about your repressed memories. I've been having those lately as well and it's been quite disturbing.

I also use cannabis, it is the only medication I have found that helps in so many areas of my life. It helps my concentration, helps assuage my food issues, slows my thoughts and allows me to (somewhat) listen. Not to mention my anxiety, my anger, it allows me to sleep. I'm a very high-strung person and I dislike feeling like I can't control my thoughts and feelings...I'm thankful to be able to feel normal now.

I'm at a really rough point in my life, really figuring out "who" I am with moving towards an AS diagnoses, working on my gender issues, finding the right medication and now the prescription for it, and being a mom.
One of the things I hope to gain with the support that will come with diagnoses, is the ability to better communicate with my son. Verbal communication is extremely hard for me, especially since I feel that I stopped emotionally maturing around age 14. Mentally and physically I'm obviously mature, so it just baffles me when I resort to a meltdown or tantrum, or I respond in a childish way when I'm upset...but I suppose it's my automatic emotions taking over.
Behavior like that is obviously not acceptable when I spend a significant portion of my day around one or more children.
I'm thankful that since I've started using cannabis, I have not had ONE meltdown. I know when to medicate, when my mind starts whirling, and my eyes start tearing, I start wanting to stim or pace or yell. I take a toke...it all goes away. I'm able to calmly do whatever it is I need to do. EVEN if it involves an unexpected change. That reason in particular is why I decided to continue using the drug.

I don't think it is for everyone, but those of us who use it legitimately know what works for us and that's what matters.

Do you like Zakk Wylde? Right now I'm obsessed with "In This River". It's not so heavy but his voice just gets me.

Ms. Leaf,

It saddens me to think that other people's words would cause such pain. You have always seemed nice in your posts, so I simply do not believe that you could be harmful to anyone.

Sometimes, people are just mean. My most recent experience like this was when a church leader accused me of having mental problems because I don't get into the spirit of worship, and he did this in front of others. Of course, since he's a leader, most people seem to have trusted his judgment without any evidence to support his claim. This really hurts, and it's hard to forget.

Have you any hobbies or talents? I'm developing my musical skills, and the little successes I've had in that really help me feel better about myself. Can you paint or draw? Do you play a musical instrument? Are there any creative talents that you could focus on?

Best Wishes,

fnord

Gardening? Baking? Drywall-hanging? Truck-Driving? I'm sure that once you find something that interests you, you could do very well at it.

Please don't give up.

One of my favorite things to do is color in coloring books. I know it seems sort of silly, but as soon as I see the colors filling in, it calms my mind. A lot of days it is hard to find anything that I can concentrate on without blowing up or becoming frustrated. I get feeling guilty sometimes, when I think that I should be doing something more worthwhile, but it is a hobby that makes me happy so who cares. I've also been getting back into playing my guitar, and that is becoming a big interest again.
When I have free time I mostly sit around playing guitar, listening to music, and chatting or browsing online, maybe smoking a little...send me a message if you ever want someone to chat with, I mainly use MSN.