Wanting to want to conform to society

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preface (written afterward) I'm just rambling, needing to get my thoughts out about some internal conflicts that are going on in my troubled mind.... But I more than welcome comments.

I feel like i've been living my entire life trying to make myself want what society tells me I should want.
I feel like it's been the main goal of my life to make myself want what i'm "supposed" to want.
I guess it's just a pretense... but it's been going on so long, that.. well, I don't know anymore whether it's become real.

But the core of me, deep down tells me I can't make something real, just by wanting it... especially when it really boils down to "wanting to want it" for that matter.

I've let go of many of the things that society says I shouldn't. I don't seek everything society says i should.
And there is more that i'm letting go of each and every day.

But there remain things that.. well, I just am not sure if i really want or not.
Do i just think i want them, because i've been wanting to want them so that i could get along with society, live up to the "proper ways of doing things" that have been so brainwashed into me all my life, or do i really want them?

When i've been living the pretense so long, how do I tell what I really want, and what I've been brainwashed into thinking i SHOULD want.

It's getting harder and harder to even care about the distinction anymore. But I know that if i give up on that distinction, all that is left is either a socially defined automaton or ... death.

Then there is the distinction between what my mind wants, and what my body wants.
And there are a lot of cases my body wants something that my mind doesn't want. Too many cases.
Those are one's for the most part, that I know how to deal with...
So, it's not those physical desires and needs that i'm talking about.

I don't derive positive emotion from the things that other people do... yet society, and a part of me tell me I should seek those things, because those things are normal, and the way that things should be.

I derive positive emotion from other things, like gaining an understanding of something. (I don't mean learning.. I mean figuring something out... example learning is solving a sudoku puzzle, understanding is figuring out a new heuristic for solving them better... from scratch.. not being told about it)

But there is the exception to every rule, and sometimes i feel i want the more conventional.
But are those positive emotions derived from those situations real?
I love being alone for example, but there are times when i feel i need people around. Do i just feel that way because of programming? Do i want it, or do I want to want it?
Could i "need" to want it? Because if i don't want it, and it doesn't come of it's own, then I won't achieve it, right? So if i need it, then will my mind make me want it, even though I don't want it?
In the end, I always have to return to my normal state, it's like i have to make a foray into the "normal" I can't stand being there, because no matter what I do while there, I can never feel right about being there.

Do i want to be normal, but I just can't fit in? Or do i want NOT to be normal because i don't fit in with normal, or do i want to be whatever I am, regardless of it's normality?
If the latter, then why do all attempts to fit in with society leave me feeling so drained?
Why does a couple days of being social leave me feeling like i'm fighting for my sanity?

Is it that "to be normal" means that i am giving in to what other people and/or things have decided for me, instead of what I myself have decided for me?
Is it a rebellion against determinism?
Is it a quest for a true and honest free will? Am I just trying to prove to myself that I can make my own mind up, regardless of what the past, society, and my environment dictates?

Your feelings are genetic. And a positive trait about AS is the courage to rebel, but in moderation.
I was idealistic at one time. I strove to be different, and it gained me a few true friends while it isolated me from the jerks. But it did make me more popular among the younger students, and I am glad I did it.
Now I am less rebellious because there is less discrimination against me, except the cool girls. But it is no matter. The rest accept me as I am, and like me for my differences. This is beacuse I entered A-Level college.
So being different is OK, just incorporate humour and help others with their homework/ uni apps, if they ask you. The drawback is that your friends will be the liberal-minded/hardworking/intellectual ones, which can be isolating, but at lesat you can have genuine interest in them and enjoy companionship. You will have improving conversation, and will have a few close friends which are more meaningful than many superficial acquaintances.