I think I'm single again

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We have two kids together, but last summer/fall he moved into his own apartment because we were getting on each other's nerves too much. We had been living together for 5 years then. I thought that was the only way to save our relationship. But I think tonight I ended it for good. Things haven't gotten much better, except we don't get annoyed by each other's habits anymore. He still doesn't understand or respect my need for clarity and straight communication, nor does he take responsibility for the children the way he should. Instead he assumes I have the default responsibility and when he steps in he's doing me a favour. It's probably a generation thing. But now he won't even talk to me because he's so upset that I don't have enough respect for how much work he has and I constantly demand too much of him. The reality is the kids are with me all the time except on Saturday, when our 5-yearold spends the night at his place. I can't handle it when he refuses to communicate. I don't understand anything. I've told him time and time again after my diagnosis that he has to verbalise his feelings but he just won't. Now he won't take my calls. I think he doesn't take my diagnosis seriously and thinks I could change if I just tried hard enough.

Anyway, I told him enough is enough and I can't take this anymore, it's all too vague and uncertain for me (" I can't see you right now, I don't know what things are going to be like, I don't know if I want to be with you"etc.) So I ended it for my own sake and maybe it was overdue, but I had to try for the kids. I'm scared now, I have no idea what things are going to be like, and that always makes me agonize obsessively about the future. We've been together for 6,5 years and our children are 5 and 2. I have one friend except him, and then a couple of family members. I've always relied heavily on partners and haven't really been single since I was 16, so I feel like the ground is moving beneath my feet. I can hold it together with day-to-day chores and the kids, but I can't carry my own weight emotionally. I'm scared.

It's bound to be a difficult transition but I think it is worth it to discover your own inner strength. When my father died I realized it was the first time my mother had lived alone in her entire life. But she kind of likes it now. Think of it as one door closing and another one opening. You just haven't had a chance to test yourself in this way. I think you can do it. You have to learn to pick your battles and put any thoughts of doing it all and doing it perfectly out of your head. You always have WP to come to for psychic support.

I know what you're going through... I've also ended up single with a child, twice in my case, once because the relationship broke up, the second time I was widowed.

It's a terrifying place to be in, when you can't imagine the future... but here's a place for you to start at least.

Tomorrow will be much like today and yesterday. As time goes on you'll get used to the changes, and you won't always be so scared. Just focus on those things you know that you have to do, and do them. Everything else is "imaginary", and the worst might never happen anyway. So just keep focusing on each day as it comes.

It sounds to me like you were already pretty much handling things on your own. Do go talk to a lawyer about formal custody arrangements and child support now that the two of you are definitely calling it quits, though. Just like in a divorce, you need to make sure the children's needs -- security of knowing where they're going to be living, financial needs, having regular access to their father, etc. -- are met. It the two of you can sit down with a lawyer and hash this out together, all the better.

You'll be fine. You're going to find out that you are much stronger and more resilient than you think you are.

Not only will you be fine, you're likely to be in a better place without him.

It sounds like he was expecting you to do more than hold up your end of the relationship.

If you have a diagnosis and he won't communicate in ways that you have asked him to, what else could you do?

If you're an aspie in a relationship with someone who won't accept what you can do and what you need, and the sort of communication you need, then it's not going to work--and there are plenty of people who would be willing to do what you need.

(NT here. We're not all aspie negative.)

Thank you for all your replies, it makes me feel less alone. I know I'm not actually alone IRL either, I just struggle with leaning on people and that's why I've become so dependent in relationships. Once I do lean on someone it's like they have to hold most of my emotional weight.

We did arrange child support already last year, when he moved out. As far as custody goes one of our disagreements has been that I think the children ought to be more at his place. At the same time I feel like I want to hold on really tight to them now, but I know that they need to see him at least as much as before. It's just my own irrational fear of losing them.

I guess I'm mostly afraid that he'll become generally cold and strange with me and we won't be able to communicate about the children, let alone be friends. The relationship as such has more or less faded over the past couple of years, but I still think of him as a good friend, and I know he's a good person. It's just not working all the same. It might turn out I'll start working at the same place as him so I certainly hope he can behave normal. It's just hard for me to predict, because his behaviour is so irrational when he gets emotional, I have no idea what's going on. Fortunately I have my brother to interpret his behaviour (it's like a foreign language to me, I'm amazed anyone can interpret it, but when my brother explains it does make sense in an odd sort of way).

I'm so tired of nagging him for explanations about his moods and asking him to verbalize what he feels. I never really know what's going on, I'm completely dependent on him being very straight with me, but he seems incapable of putting words to his emotions and I'm left confused and unsure. Since I don't know what he's thinking or feeling I don't know how to behave around him and I don't know where to draw the line. Some behaviour is more acceptable if the underlying cause is sympathetic, but how should I know if it is? It seems I either become a push-over or a b*tch when I draw the line and I never know which one it's going to be.

There is a thread here about "It's Not Really an NT or an Aspie Thing". The point of it is to clarify that some people, regardless of Aspie or NT, are just difficult.

I think the person who started it was trying to insure that aspies don't end up with really messed up NTs or tolerate really bad behavior.

It sounds like he might have a personality disorder or be particularly dysfunctionally emotional about your breakup.

If it's just the breakup, he'll get better, although it might take several months.

Also, do you have access to a counselor who can help you figure out how to handle him?

Finally, in his defense, when my ex-boyfriend/friend and I were breaking up, I really thought I was going to hurt him: he was undiagnosed for most of our relationship, and I did not know why he acted the way he did.

It wouldn't just take counseling--it would take a really good counselor and the right books about AS for him to start to forgive you. ("22 Things" by Rudy Simone is the best book about AS relationships I have ever read.) He doesn't know that you don't and didn' t mean to hurt him. It's not uncommon for NTs to be so hurt and frustrated by the (misunderstood) actions of the AS person, that the NT engages in some kind of domestic violence, when they would never otherwise do that.

You should not overestimate the ability of some uncomprehending NTs to be able to deal with your AS--it really did make me mental for awhile, and I was very lucky that he started dating someone else for a short period after we broke up. That created enough distance that I could really start to think about and to grieve his AS.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be friends now, and I might have really done something irrational.

poppyx:

I don't think he has any disorder, like a lot of men he just can't verbalize feelings. Since I can't read non-verbal language very well it's not working out. I don't know how he's handling the break-up, the fighting took place before then. He'll probably shrug it off as part of the fight, but I don't think I'll change my mind unless he says or does something radical (which I doubt he will).

As far as councelling goes I'd love some, but I can't afford to private and otherwise it's darn near impossible to get someone who knows AS in women. For him? I've suggested it before, as well as marital counselling, but no luck. Marital counselling might have prevented us ending up here, but it requires an effort on his part as well.

Crap. I feel so lonely now and I keep having the impulse to call him, but I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me and I don't really want to talk to him, but I desperately need some kind words from someone who knows me really well. I could call my brother or my father but for some reason there sympathy just makes me feel worse.

But it's better to be lonely by yourself than with someone else, right? So why do I feel worse now, wishing I'd never called him on his BS. If I'd let things slide again I could have called him and things would have been the way they always are. I feel so lost and it's hard not to cry, but I don't want to scare the kids, but I feel so alone!

I hope that things get better for you, with time.

You should not have to put up with what you call "BS". If a relationship is emotionally abusive, you ARE better off by yourself.

It was evening when I posted last and I always peak anxiety-wise then, regardless of external factors. I'm still a bit shaky today, but I feel stronger. I agree in the long run I'll be better off without his behaviours, but when I'm alone it's hard not to think about how wonderful things were in the beginning. That's what I'm missing, not the way he is now.

I think it's probably a good thing he's keeping his distance. It's only been a couple of days and I need to be more stable before I see him or I might say or do something I'll regret. Also, I'm pretty sure he needs to collect his thoughts too if we're going to be able to talk about things rationally. He's completely irrational when he's upset and I don't know how to talk to irrational people, because even when I'm upset I'm always logical. Sometimes I misread things, but I always use reason. It's very difficult for me to imagine not being able to use reason, or chosing not to use reason.

I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but I keep getting myself into trouble when I argue because I always assume people are reasonable, in the sense that if I can logically prove they're wrong, then they'll concede. Of course, they don't, they just get even more irrational and act out and leave me very confused and frustrated....

Think of all the free time you have.

"The kids are always with you unless he thinks he has time to take them."

This guy sounds like a jerk.

"Your interests shouldn't dictate the kids schedule."

You want to go to a meeting once a week, and that's "dictating the kids' schedule"?

Jerk.

However, there is a problem--he may be trying to hurt you because he is angry, and taking it out on you by making you keep the kids all the time. Maybe he's not a jerk all the time--just when he is mad at you. (If he's always been like this, "Jerk.")