feeling rubbish

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Ive had a really bad few weeks and I feel so bad. I cant find solutions to my problems and Im handleing everything very poorly and making all things worse.

The last few years Ive become more and more social phobic and disenchanted with the world and isolated myself more and more to the point where now I have nothing to do with my family or aquantances. Ive made big efforts to make myself better by going to aspie meet ups and things but I always feel much worse about myself and like rubbish and it doesnt get better but worse each time.

I cant bear being friends with people or being round them, I cant trust them or cope with being close to people, it makes me so anxious. Everytime Ive been friends with people I soon make a mistake and get rejected. I find it very hard to follow a conversation or respond normally. I feel it would be better for me to have some form of social contact but I cant stand it and because I make people cross I end up feeling bad about myself, but Im unable to change myself to be more likeable and get a better responce.

I have an essay (2 actually) due in and Im finding it so hard to do as I feel so down, Ive got an extension so will plod along but I feel so bad about struggleing with it and feel very demotivated. I used to feel good about myself academically but a couple of months ago I really ruined my exam as I was so nervous and stressed and left an hour and a half early, its really knocked my confidence and now I dont feel like studying any more, I feel bad whenever I pick up my books and dont enjoy it any more and that is bad as it was something I really lived for.

I have involvement from childrens mental health and social services and that gets me down as each month draws on and I have to continue seeing them. I got sent to see an autism expert and was very hopeful but she is just like all the rest and does not help and does not listen so I feel so rubbish, she wants to change the things we are ok with and does not care about the things which are upsetting. It makes it so stressful, arguing with her, it doesnt help. Ive got the social worker to come with me last time to help as I was so upset with the appointments and it was better but still terrible, I hate haveing to face them and be grilled about my life choices and experiences. I recently split up from my boyfreind and the social worker really grilled me about it and humiliated me and made me feel so worthless and unlikeable. They have decided to increase my appointments from once a month to fornightly because it upset me so much (wtf?) and with the other psych from 6 weekly to 4 weekly, its very cruel to increase the appointments because they are upsetting, I dont want more 'support' I want less! I want to be left alone, I would not mind if they were comforting and kind and made me feel better but they make me feel like scum.

I was very hopeful that an appointment with adult services would help me but they said I did not have depresssion (despite being really suicidal for the last year) but just anxiety and would refer me for CBT which has a 6-12 month wait. I feel so despondant I was holding out for that helping and it did not, i said to myself to hold on for help from them, but they did not give me any help.

This week I have my daughters SEN review with all the profesionals and an appointment with the other childs psychologist, I hate these appointments with profesionals as they are so judgemental and dont understand and I hate being looked at and made to talk about my life. It feels so grueling and embarrassing. I hate all these apointments so much.

life just seems so painful and unpleasant with nothing nice, at least nothing nice enough to make up for all the pain.

Ask your doctor about antidepressants.

I went to my Doctor and he would not give me antidepressants and insted referred me to the adult mental health team and I had an assessment and they said I was not depressed but only had anxiety and have referred me for CBT but the wait is 6-12 months.

Find a different doctor. (Many GPs are completely clueless about mental health, seriously.)

No he was a very good doctor, he said he could not perscribe for me as Ive a history of negative reactions to SSRI's and so he wanted a psychiatrist to make any perscriptions. The assessment was made by mental health nurses and they said I cant see a psychiatrist till september cos of waiting lists, and that he would only give me something for anxiety as they said Im not depressed, but they said the CBT would be better as it would get rid of the anxiety better.

From what Ive heard the meds for anxiety are quite ineffective and can increase suicidal feelings in those with suicidal thoughts so not recomended for my case.

Have you tried talking to this doctor and ask his opinion about them increasing the regularity of appointments that distress you? Or asking if he'd be able to refer you to someone who will help you and listen to you?

Them not listening makes it seem to me that they aren't any good, or if they are any good that they don't seem good for you. Wanting to change the things that work for you and not listening to the things that you need help with sounds really bad to me. Is there a way that you can work with different people?

I think the first thing you should do is change your avatar. Even if you feel bad about yourself, the last thing you need is to affirm it by looking at that all the time...

As for social workers and psychologists, yes there are some nice ones, but from my experience with them, many can be very toxic people. The last pychologist I went to I was so stressed I drove mindlessly to the mall and wolfed down all this sushi and sat there in the food court just feeling so terrible. Seeing people who work for Social Welfare is worse. If you get a person who isnt nice they can hoover your self esteem away from you like a.... vacuum cleaner. You have to protect your self esteem from these people. Never take the bad things they say to heart.

Anyway I hope you are feelng better today...

I said to my social worker that it was upsetting me haveing the appointments and she spoke with all the others, but they have increased the appointments so as to 'support' me more. They just dont understand as they are NTs and when NTs are upset they want more of a fuss, they view wanting to be left alone as 'worrying' and a sign that I need to be given extra attention and 'helped and supported'. I cant get different people as Ive been through quite a few and they are all the same, the main problem is with me as Im a 'difficult' case and it makes more problems when I 'disengage' and makes them give me more of a hard time and hassle me more. My social worker really wants to help but what she thinks is good for me and what I want are different, just because they are NTs I think rather than them being malignant or purposefully rubbish.

ok I will change my avatar.

I dont know how to not take on board criticism, Im a very literal person and when someone says something I have a hard time to accept that it is not true. I am a very rubbish person so a lot of criticism people make is correct which does not make it easy to work out if something is a true fault or not true. Clearly even if someone is a rubbish person not all criticism made at them will be true as some people say things to be hurtful or manipulate or because they are mistaken in their perception, but I find it too hard to tell what is correct and what is not. And it is hard to know what you can change about yourself and what you cant.

I do try my best but often my best is not good enough and people are still not happy.

Would it help to write everything down in a letter and just to give it to her?

If you can explain what you need help with in a letter (and just drop it off and leave) it could go better because a person has great difficulty arguing with a letter (I don't say impossible because for all I know a person could). But anyways, you wouldn't be there to hear the argument if there was one. Also, it may be a good idea to write what is working well for you at the moment as well but perhaps on a seperate piece of paper so that they don't confuse the things that work and the things that don't.

they think I lack judgement in what is for the best.

But you're the expert on you. How come they think you don't know what's best for you?

What kind of things do they want to change? And what kind of help do you get from them?

Also, are they helping more than they're hurting you? If they're helping more than they're hurting you, then give it a set time to get better (for example a month) and then review. But if they're hurting you more than helping you, well, it may work better to say it to them that they're not helping.

I'm sure you have a better idea of what's good for you than them.

I tell them often and vocally that they are not helping, but they are my childrens 'team' of profecionals so they just say it doesnt matter what I think, its whats best for the children. They think I dont have judgement because I have aspergers (and anxiety and social phobia) and so can not see what is for the best.

I cant give it a set time or anything, the social worker said if I stop going she will take my children away. No discussion, I have to go.

the help is the appointments where they question me and I have to answer, I find this unhelpful and upsetting. They tend to criticise me on not being social enough, not haveing enough friends, not being married, haveing moved around a bit, haveing had abuseive relationships in the past, not working, not makeing the children have friends round, not makeing the children eat things they dont like, not makeing the children go out more, not stopping the children from doing their special interests. Basically therapists want to make you an NT and they are not going to be happy untill you are one.

other people have criticised me for being too bossy, too controlling, too stroppy/grumpy, too dramatic/hysterical, too rude/offensive.

I am very glad that you have changed your avatar. It is a lovely one.. i do lke Buddhist things.

I am not sure what you could do. Perhaps explaiin to them that sometimes, it is better to move on from bad stuff then painfully rehash it? Perhaps you could ask if you could choose your own counsellor who you are comfortable with- and they could work with you and that counsellor. Getting therapy is a very personal thing, these social workers should understand that people cant open up to just anyone.

they just say its not about me, its for the children and I must put them first and keep going.

and anyway its not just problems with them, I have problems with everything. Its like everything I touch turns to muck. I feel cursed. I just dont feel like trying with anythign anymore as it all goes wrong and I ruin everything. I just wish I was not my own worst enemy but I cant seem to stop screwing everything up.

OMG!! ! wtf?

They don't seem to have any idea about AS. I wish I could help you. They seem awful. They're criticising you for stuff that is part of having AS.

Ask the children what they think they need. Perhaps if the children are old enough to say what they feel works best for them and what they feel they need, it may help?

About the not making the children eat things they don't like, it seems really stupid, if they're getting a balanced diet it shouldn't matter. Would saying you've instituted a 'must try' rule help? My Mum had a 'must try' rule, I had to try the food in question before saying I really didn't like that food (after trying it I was allowed to say no to it if I didn't like it). Is this food they've already tried and found they didn't like?

About the other stuff, I have no idea how you could make a compromise.