Parents and them assuming you think like them

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hiya,

I have just had a rather heated discussion with my foster parent about aspergers and me. i think it went down ok. however the end of the discussion was extremely heated. She had said that part of what we were discussing had been because she was the parent and i was the child. which was her reason for doing somthing she knew was wrong. At this point i ASKED... as i did not know and wahted her to answer the question. "isent that tacking advantage?" she then assumes that because if she had asked that she would have thought that what i think when infact it was a question and not infact what i think.

If anybody can make sense of this, and it is a normal occurence when talking with people / NTS then please let me know and i can stoping tryig to figure it out.

jammie

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

I have problems like that all of the time when in a heated discussion with someone (NT) close to me. I always have to ask questions because I never understand the double meaning, or the reading between the lines, or the expression, or the body language and I've found that asking questions generally makes the NTs very angry. They feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings and intentions in a direct way; the way that we need to understand something. It's easier for an NT to hide behind the mask of facial expressions and body language cues than be straight about something. You end up asking questions because you can't interpret their responses.

I have not found a way to explain to NTs that I need them to be absolutley honest when expressing their intentions and feelings and not to hide their communication in their eyes and other areas where I can't understand them. But I've been told it's painful for most NTs to be so blunt. Try to explain (perhaps even in writing so you can organize your thoughts more succinctly) that you need the direct answer to understand, not because you're judging them and not because you're wanting to make them feel uncomfortable, but that you are not understanding their language.

If I'm reading this post correctly, you're saying that "because I'm the parent, and you're the child." I don't know what she, and I'm assuming she refers to your parent, has done that you consider wrong, but this sort of thought process is common to many parents and is analogous to a master / slave relationship. Some parents wield authority over their kids, which is okay in terms of safety and learning skills. But when this authority takes on an ownership status, such as taking independence away from the child, it's not exactly healthy.

I can vouch, because this sort of stuff goes on in my home every now and then. It's sort of like saying something like: "Well, you have to do this, because you live in my house, blah blah blah." With me, it also leads to heated discussions, at times with intense and verbal accusations thrown about. It is a technique of control on the part of the parents.

The whole idea is to create a cooperative atmosphere, but this is kind of hard if there exists a competition of control. Being we're aspies, we may have a tendency to be even more controlling at times.

I'm just not sure as to what advice I could give in this case, because I tend to let things like this go in one ear and out the other. It seems to work with my parents, though I am also 31 years old. Usually, I can let things go in one ear and out the other, because I still tend to dwell on it for a long time afterwards, though nobody around me tends to know that I do. I have to be careful in this regard even myself, because too much tension and emotion can cause me to engage in a meltdown. I get to the point at times where I just don't care what someone else says to me. It's just their problem.

We all have to pick and choose our fights. It's hard at times, but if you can, express yourself directly. Stipulate that you're getting irritated.

- Ray M -

You should like your parents.

I'm sorry.

I have been less than thrilled at my parents for quite some time now, but I don't really dislike them.

Maybe in the honesty and bluntess part - having an Aspie as a parent can be an advantage. This was something similar on another topic except it was between people involved in a relationship and the differences in communication. My husband is NT and he will say I am yelling at him when I am doing no such thing - except asking for clarification or the reasoning behind something. The problem though is that can be seen as challenging someone or being argumentative. So, sometimes you have to carefully think of your responses but that is not easy to do in a heated discussion. (And remember that parents are human beings too and no parent does everything perfectly all the time.)

There's no such thing as a Perfect Parent.

Everything that an NT does serves a dual purpose; most likely, what we do as Aspies and Autists is the same.

If, for example, your parent tells you to take out the trash, they want a task completed, and at the same time, they are subjecting you to a test. The task is quite conscious, of course, but the test is not.

The NT has no idea they are subjecting you to it. Like their use of body language, the presentation of the test is something they are unaware of, although they are very much aware of your response, and judge you accordingly.

The purpose of the test is to affirm your social standing. If you successfully carry out the task, you are seen as subordinate and submissive, but of good and dependable character. Now your Parental Unit(or boss, or whoever), already sees you that way; the test is.....arranged(sorta)..... to both present you with a change to affirm your place in the social group, and to allow the leader(parent,boss) to assert their dominance.

If you fail to perform/complete or refuse the task, you mark yourself as either undependable, or it is seen(subconsciously, remember) that you are challenging their notion of authority.

Please note that this is not an occassional thing, it is ever present, continuous, unstopping. It happens in all situations in life, all tasks, words, events. As Neuro-Uniques, we probably get slammed with it even harder, as it is a redundant system that backs up body language. When body signals are mixed, NTs rely on this to gather information about our place in society.

A lot of the Asperger and Autism body language reads as submissive, and that causes others to treat us like they are smarter, more important, and it causes them to act in ways that relegates us to a position beneath them.

Unfortunately, you cannot change the social ranking so easily. The longer someone knows you, the more firmly entrenched their perception of the social order becomes. It can take years to reverse the social order of someone that has known you for a long time.

When you defy someones concept, when you violate their perceptions of themselves, people tend to take it badly. This can result in anything from a heated argument to a furious battle of words, all the way up to a physical fight.

This of course, is a test in its own right; a battle for domination. With our means of expressing ourselves, it often results in one step forward, one step back, and thats when we win.

If you wish to come out from under the yoke of those that want to command you, you face a long and arduous journey, many arguments. There is no middle ground; you can stay beneath, or try to swim above.