I'm confused, sad, and don't know what to believe

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This morning, after a sleepless night, I noticed a text message from my friend. Her message stated that her boyfriend had run a background on my boyfriend (they are suspicious of him because he's 46 and I'm 26). She stated that the background check had not come back clean and that she wanted me to "be careful" but could not tell me what she found out or where she found it out from. So I immediately called her and demanded answers.

She told me the investigative police for our state had consulted with her boyfriend, because her boyfriend is friends with one of them. The e-mail from the investigative police said he had not paid his child support for his two daughters over the years. Also, his computer had been investigated for "illegal activity." My friend stated that when the investigation started, the "illegal activity" on his computer ceased. She implied that this "activity" probably consisted of viewing child porn websites, although there is no proof.

I am absolutely shocked because the guy does not seem capable of such. He has a decent job with a TV station, is in contact with and has a good relationship with his two daughters, and has showed me nothing but kindness and understanding. I talked to my therapist about it and she said there is no way to know for sure what's going on, because all the information is second-hand. My therapist tells me that although the information from the investigative police could be accurate, the particular team in question has had a shady past and has portrayed inaccurate information. She expressed concern that my friends would take such measures as a background check, esepcially considering this particular route was illegal and could get my friend in serious trouble. She is concerned that they do not trust my ability to take care of myself, and that their motivation might be to spark drama whether they know it or not.

It isn't as if I JUST started talking to this guy. I've known him for quite some time and I am definitely attached to him and fond of him. Nonetheless, if he IS guilty of viewing child porn of course I want nothing to do with him. Problem is, I don't know. I've been crying all day trying to figure out what to do. It seems either way I will lose someone important to me, whether it be my friends or my "boyfriend." (Kind of weird calling a 46-year-old my "boyfriend" but that's the closest word I have). I don't want to make a mistake whether that mistake entails leaving him when he has done nothing wrong, or staying with him when he is a dirty bastard deserving of death. I am incredibly torn and scared right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Hello Gaya,

I'm all with you there but I don't know what to say or how to comfort you in that poor situation.

I hope that everything will sort it out fine for everyone.

That sucks Gaya

Just from past experience, is your friend trustworthy? If she has a history of jealousy or spitefullness, then I'd take her information with a pinch of salt, but if she has always had your best interests at heart, then don't fall out with her because of this: even if she turns out to be wrong, she may have meant well.

As for your guy, can you confront him about this? Get as much info from your friend and her boyfriend as you can and then see what he says. You may need to go with your gut on this one unfortunately if he denies all charges.

First, you know that your source is unreliable and has a reputation for passing off fraudulent information.

Second you are making gross assumptions as to what 'illegal activity' might mean, even as you know that very term comes from an unreliable source. If there ever was any 'illegal activity' it may have been as unremarkable as selling bootleg Chinese DvDs on Ebay for all you know. You were told that it ceased before they could investigate, so no matter what the ALLEGED activity was, it wasn't a serious and ongoing pursuit.

Yet you are ready to judge the man as worthy of DEATH based on a conclusion you have formed based on incomplete and possibly fictional allegations.

And if his relationship with his kids is healthy, his child support arrangement is none of your concern.

You should break it off with him. he deserves better than someone so judgmental, not to mention someone with such manipulative associates, who is in fact so easily manipulated by them.

She wasn't saying that's what he was, just that she's worried he might be, and she hasn't blindly followed her friend's lead; she wouldn't be posting here otherwise.

It makes sense to take friends advice seriously, even if you don't necessarily follow through on it.

In addition to what everyone else is saying, be aware that even if he was found viewing child porn that there is a wide range of activity that falls under that label. I know a guy who is on the sex offender registry for viewing pornography with sixteen and seventeen year old girls in it. That's really different (at least in my opinion) from viewing pornography with six year old girls in it! But it's still just as illegal and can still get a person put on the sex offender registry list.

That was the only possibility she was even considering. The only one she could even imagine. That says more about the OP than it does about this guy, against whom no tangible evidence of anything whatsoever has been presented. However, I still say Cut your losses and end it. If you're that easily led to mistrust your SO, your relationship is already doomed. Whether he's done anything wrong or not, why put the both of you through all that suspicion, accusation and paranoia?

If you are a legal adult capable of making your own decisions and your friends complain of something so unimportant as an age difference making your personal relationships inappropriate, your friends are not your friends, they are meddling busybodies.

If those meddling busybodies then come to you with 'information' they can neither document nor fully disclose, they are very likely lying and manipulating you to get you to conform to their standards.

I don't believe anything these people say can be trusted - they have concocted these allegations to back up a personal dislike they have already expressed for no other reason than the fact that the man is older than the OP.

If there were any evidence of wrongdoing whatsoever, they would have at least some shred - a photocopy of some printed report - something. All they have is their claim that someone in an unreliable organization told them something. OoOoOooOooh - was his name Fox Mulder? Oh, sorry - I'm sure they aren't allowed to tell you that.

I'm sorry you got that impression of me, Willard. I was merely reporting what my friends did, not that I agreed with what they did or said I was immediately coming to the conclusion that my SO is a sex offender. I'm saying I am concerned and torn up about the fact that he COULD be involved in something like child porn, not that I absolutely believe he is. My own personal belief about people who exploit children is the only thing that led me to post the "worthy of death" part. Anyone who sexually exploits children does deserve to die; it's one of the few harsh opinions I actually have. I can see how you might misinterpret my post as judmental, however. As someone who has always been "a shade weird" I know what it's like to meet constant ridicule and judgment from others so I try not to bring this pain on anyone else.

OP~ Your friends sound extremely worried because of the age thing & they had NO rite to go behind your back by running a check on him. You are speculating that he's looking at child-porn when you have not heard what the illegal activity was. He could of been investigated for bootlegging music & DVDs or something. Even if it was child-porn; he may not of been viewing it. Someone else could of been using his computer or he could of picked-up a virus or it could of been mislabeled even. Lots of things on file-sharing sites can be mislabeled or have nasty viruses. As for as the child-support payments; he could be having issus with their mom & stuff like that is very confusing. I would recommended confronting him about this stuff but if it is true; he could lie & you'd have no way of knowing or if it's not true; he could get really offended & hurt that you'd think that about him. You could try hiring a private investigator yourself to run a background check on him

Gaya,

Talk to your SO. Tell him EXACTLY what your "friends" ( ) claim to have found out about him. If it's true, you need to know about it. If it's not true, then HE needs to know that false claims are being made about him!

Thank you, to those of you who have been supportive. It really is difficult when three of my closest relationships are suddenly tainted, and needlessly so. It's as if support has suddenly been lifted from me. I've been talking this through with close objective outsiders and my signficant other, and I'm coming closer to working through this BS although I expect it will take time.

Do the background check yourself.

OH.MY.GOD.

You sound like you're personally offended by this, and I can't believe at all that you said this. If the shoe fits, by all means wear it.

I think talking to him about it is a very bad idea. Don't ask him about any of it. Go to the police yourself, do the background check yourself. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, it must be very hard for you.

Gaya, I would really question your friend's motives for doing this background check, defaming your boyfriend's character without providing you the proof to support her accusations. Women do this kind of crap to other women all the time. Your relationship with this man is none of her and her boyfriend's damn business. I'd tell her to go F herself. None of us are perfect and not everything is black or white. Like Willard said, there is obviously not much to this so-called evidence otherwise he would have been arrested and there would of been a big to-do about it in the news.

-- Taupey

Gaya, you should tell your friend to show you the proof when they did the background check on him.

I hope that your situation sorts itself out, soon.