The Straw that Broke my Mother's Back...

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...I think finally happened tonight, in regards to my weird behaviors. Allow me to explain...

Not including tonight, two of my last three visits back to my old homestead have concluded with my cutting out of my stay early, because of something innocuous, criticism constructive, and/or something I took the wrong way and got offended over. The first departure was over something as trivial as me leaving dirty plates in the guest bedroom, which when dad reminded me to pick them up, made me feel like I was a kid all over again. The second time was when Mom had told me to knock it off when I told her that a comment made by my brother towards me, irritated me (he called me 'cute', which I most certainly am NOT!). The third time was because my father inadvertently interrupted my 'private activities' twice in the span of 4 minutes, which I wouldn't have minded if not for his jerkass parting comment 'life goes on'. I wanted to *STRANGLE* the f**ker for that! But I was forced to stay because it was past 8pm, and no one on my family felt like driving me back, but at least my brother got me some 12-packs of soda to keep me comforted.

So with that out of the way, let me get into tonight. You see, due to that last upsetting incident, I now find it impossible to have my little 'private times' in that guest bedroom ever again. So I thought I could alleviate that by taking my laptop upstairs to my old bedroom, to have some peace and quiet. Well, Dad asked me what I was going to do in there, and I told him a Jedi truth: that I was going to retrieve some folders and notebooks that I'd left behind in my old room during my move to my apartment. He left it at that, and I went to the room, and gathered some stuff that I truly intended to take back with me to my flat...then sat on the floor with my laptop to engage in my depravity.

Well, I wasn't even halfway to a conclusion when I heard my father knock on my door, so I made myself decent and said to come in. He entered and told me that if I needed to, I could use an empty cardboard box to carry my folders in...but...considering that I closed my laptop lid when he got too close, and the disheveled way I must have looked and sounded...I think he figured out what I was really up to. And to further put the nail in the coffin, as I was gathering those folders for real, I overheard him *talking to mom about it* from downstairs! Christ! If you can't even have any privacy in your old homestead, then what do you have left?

But anyway, after I carried the box downstairs and composed myself, I asked Mom politely if my brother could drive me home tonight...and that sent her off the deep end. She was like "oh my gosh! Every time! Every single bloody time you come here, you get ALL bent out of shape over the STUPIDEST things!!' When I tried to justify myself by saying that at least I was up front and honest about leaving, she suddenly turned cold and said "I don't care. You know what? Just go! Why do you even bother coming here?" That really shook me to the core...so much that I said I was sorry, and that I would stay after all. That always defuses my anger really quick: when I can get mom so upset that she'd say such a thing.

And right now, at this moment, that dark cloud above my head hasn't dissolved...I feel so numb that I can't eat. These times are the ONLY times I seriously contemplate suicide, because nothing makes me more upset...nothing makes me more of a failure of a son and a human being...then making my mother not care about me or what I do anymore. I love my mother so much...why would I do things to tip her over like that?

*sighs* Comments and advice are welcome as always. Trust me, I need it.

Usagi1992

Hey Usagi.

I can't speak for your mom, but it is possible that she could have been stressed out or dealing with other issues before your dad talked to her. So when you approached her saying that you're leaving early, she decided to vent her frustrations out on you. I honestly believe that your mom does care about you, that she does love you, and that she's proud of you. Human beings make mistakes and sometimes we say things that we don't really mean.

Also, if you can, keep your private time at your own place. Yes, it is your old room, but it's your parents' house and it's somewhat disrespectful (just my opinion). Plus, the reason you're visiting your family is to be with them, right? So spend time with them.

Eat some food. Your body needs it.

Do you honestly need to engage in your depravities that much?

Respect is a two way street and it sounds to me like there are two barracades at each end of yours.

You don't respect your parents enough to appreciate your father taking an interest in spending time with you, and your parents don't respect you enough to treat you like an adult.

To Beau - I appreciate your concern...however, I have to explain something. The only reason why I sometimes visit my parents back at the old homestead is because even I can get lonely. There's only difference to me between whether I isolate myself at my apartment, or I isolate myself in the guest bedroom at home; at least I can have some kind of close human contact, should I need it. But either way, I'll consider it a miracle if Mom forgives me for this, she WAS pretty upset, even when I apologized to her a half-hour after my OP.

To Chronos - I've never been close with my father. He sees me as nothing but a failed by-product of the gene pool, what with my Asperger's.

To both - allow me to explain why I felt the need to do my depravity at my old home. You see, I have so much emotional baggage within me, that I even build my masturbation schedule around it, to make sure I either don't do it at all on anniversaries of dates that bring out P.T.S.D. in me, or having to do it a set number of times any other day. For example, since it was the 18th of the month (or it was yesterday), I can do 'it' either no more then twice, or no less then four times. Unfortunately, I forgot about this rule until I finished my *third* set, and only 6 minutes before Mom picked me up from my apartment, so that meant that to keep my inner demons away, I'd have to do it one more time before midnight at my old home. And as I said in my OP, I never got to, so that means as punishment, I can never masturbate on that date, Nov. 18th, ever again.

.........I have issues.

Have you ever considered taking medication for this? An SSRI may be helpful.

your masturbation schedule sounds distinctly OCD. when your schedule interferes with your ability to have a meaningful visit with family, it becomes a problem.

if it is under your control to change the schedule, then you should do so. if it is not under your control, then some therapy or medication may be in order (SSRIs can sometimes help with OCD and PTSD symptoms). it is just too much to expect for your family to respect your masturbation schedule.

your brother did nothing wrong, as far as i can tell. calling you "cute" is not a mean thing, unless he said it sarcastically. and even if he did say it sarcastically, it is hardly a nasty insult.

if you visit them, in their house, you should treat them with respect as it is their home. and if you want to be treated as an adult, then changing your behaviour will go a long way towards that. cleaning up after yourself, spending some time appropriately socializing with family, speaking respectfully to family members - these things can reasonably be expected for you to conform to. if you have some difficulty with extended visits, schedule a shorter daytime visit and take a bus home or train home. or arrive much later and spend just a short tie socializing before bedtime.

it sounds like you love and care for your mother a great deal. killing yourself is not an answer if you want to protect her from massive pain and anguish. she would never get over that. you must mean a lot to her and she would be totally devastated.

i think that the situation is probably fixable, but it will take more than apologies. from my perspective you will need to work on changes.

you overreact about everything and want everyone around you to die
and vocalize it constantly

karma is a b***h

The thing that I do, is ask myself if I really wish to stay a night or 2 with my mum when my time table allows me to do so. If the answer is Yes, than I'll spend the night or the weekend. If the answer is No, I tell her on the phone that I wish to stay at my place and get some chores done.

I would like to take the moment to clarify that compulsive masturbation is NOT a symptom of OCD...or if anyone's OCD manifested that way, it would be very very unusual, because essentially, they'd feel the need to masturbate so something bad doesn't happen.

However, I agree with Hyperlexian in that the manner in which you decide when you can engage in these activities is very suggestive of OCD, as those with OCD often follow certain "rules" which dictate how and when they can do things.

For example, a person might worry that if they eat bread on dates with odd number, something bad will happen, and if they accidentally do eat bread on a date with an odd number, they may let it go or may have to devise some ritual to fix it.

So in that sense, your issue is similar to OCD, and that is why I suggested to try some SSRI medication.

To Chronos - Yes, I will admit that as of 6 months ago, I have given in to OCD-related behavior, and not just in masturbation habits. My OCD is more akin to rituals involving repetitions;for instance, if I accidentally bump into one of my door frames in my apartment, I'll step back and do it again 3 more times on purpose to cancel out my act of clumsiness. If I don't feel that I turned off a light switch the right way, I'll flip it on and off again until it feels right...you get the general idea. This behavior would only be problematic outside of my apartment though, but if I'm to go back to work and continue my education, I'll have to look into therapy and lots of medicine.

Thanks for the advice. ^_-

You...don't like me very much, do you?

Justify your statement. How does simply wishing ONE person in my life to die (my father) constitute me wanting *everyone* around me to die?

Constantly vocalize my woes? I'd hardly call once a month at most 'constantly'. If one were to eat a Pop-Tart once a month, would you say that person 'constantly' eats Pop-Tarts?

And better I vocalize here and try to find some support, then to keep my anger stewing on the inside, which could wind up being a danger to myself and to others.

Don't make assumptions, Kilroy. It only makes you look like an idiot.