Just another desperate Aspie

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I have been occasionally reading this forum for a couple of years now, but have not participated. You all proved immensely helpful when I was first learning what it meant to be a woman with Asperger's, and I thank you all for that. However, despite the initial relief that came with diagnosis, I have only found life to be increasingly difficult, as I do not adjust to the world as I always expected that some day I would. All too frequently, I think to myself how I need help from someone, but have no one to turn to.

I suppose this is a place to be honest, and, to be honest, I've been drinking now, as with so many nights. And, as a result, I've no doubt I'll be ashamed in the morning, and wish I'd kept all this to myself, as I have for years. But I know that that method is not working for me.

To look at me from a distance, I would appear to be relatively successful; I have a job and support myself with no assistance. Still, I wonder how long I can keep it up. I don't know what I want out of life, other than that this is not it. I am tired, and unfulfilled. But most of all, I am tired and, if I can admit it to myself, sad. I am so sad. I suppose it's called depression, but I never thought that word could apply to me. Yet here I am, desperate. I don't know why I even post this or what I'm asking for. Some sort of reassurance, I suppose. So, please--does it get better? Can it ever get better?

Without the use of pharmaceuticals, that is.

Honestly, it does get better. It gets better when you know yourself more because there is nothing better than the bliss of feeling truly true to yourself. It also gets better and easier when you meet people like you. This site has helped me so much, and I hope the same to you.

There are times when I feel like that too. But when it stays like that, it is not good.

Maybe you should get something do in your free time, something fun to keep you thoughts occupied with better things. Doing volunteer work can also give a good feeling, that your regular job does not offer.

Drinking can be nice for one evening and can help to get out of a bad mood, but it does not solve things on the long run.

I've struggled with depression all my life, but I do find it runs in cycles. Just when I'm certain I can't stand the agony of living another minute, the clouds will pass, the sun comes out and I feel myself again. The last few years, its been worse during the (Seasonal Affective) winter months, but then I've had some personal setbacks that contributed to a tremendous extent as well. Actually, becoming familiar with my Autism and how it plays into my life overall has done a great deal to help me sort out the personal issues and at least understand what causes them to happen - though that insight does nothing to make those problems go away.

I've been drinking myself to sleep for 30 years now, because I can't shut off the internal monologue any other way - else I just lie in bed with my mind racing in circles , dissecting everything, whether important or trivial and keeping me in an unending state of anxiety. Its only at bedtime to sleep, I don't carry a flask around and stay hammered all day (like some people I know), and for me its an alternative to driving around or frying bacon in my sleep like some do on pharma sleep meds like Ambien (and I personally know people this has happened to, so it isn't an urban myth). Don't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong for you, there's always a moralist with their nose in the air and their knickers in a bunch. As I'm sure you know, alcohol does nothing to alleviate the depression, but it will put you to sleep so you don't sit up all night feeling bad.

Bottom line, no matter what happy horsesh*t anyone spouts about Asperger Syndrome being a gift, it is no such thing. Its a disability and a handicap any way you look at it. It makes personal and professional relationships a veritable mine field, social obligations into torturous ordeals, and somehow manages to silently attract the attention of sociopaths, bullies and every other warped personality type bent on abusing and taking advantage of those less capable than themselves. That 'hyperfocus' ability seems like almost a superpower - until it gets stuck obsessing on a personal flaw or an unsolvable problem. Is it any wonder we're prone to depression and emotional outbursts?

Thank goodness we have our obsessive interests to keep us occupied.