Why do I have to be me/male?, Inside male annual checkups

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How do I live feeling like I'll never get my innocence from just feeling like an ordinary and completely happy person back? How do I live with my life when every time I look a guy in the eyes, I don't know what they're thinking. It always looks like they want to hurt me and I don't think it's paranoia because they don't look at anybody else like that. Every time I look a girl in the eyes, it looks like she's going to be angry if I even stare at her or talk to her... So usually I just put my head down and look at nobody. I've never had an actual girlfriend. I've had online relationships, but I realize those aren't really relationships if I compare them to what a real life relationship seems like. But at 24 I've still never kissed or hugged a girl. And I'm still a virgin. I feel like I'm missing or have missed out on many things that I never knew about or could never accomplish and it feels like everything is too late for me. And I'm so fat and the Risperdal that I was forced to take for a decade was a big cause of that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll die too. For example, I had an annual checkup with a new doctor a few days ago and the doctor looked at me and he was looking really serious with a fixed stare and I felt like I was wasting his time.. so he asked me what was wrong.. I told him and after every time, he kept saying.. Anything else? like he was mad. And it hurt so much emotionally that I never wanted to get another checkup again. And every year, any doctor looks at me wondering why I'm there and most years their staff never know the right insurance claim code for a men's checkup. And then I hear the news media and everybody else saying that all men don't go for checkups because they don't take care of themselves because that's what they're told to do. This may partially be true. But I feel like the attitudes of the doctors and their staff just reinforce this to happen. In addition, the doctor told me that the only things the health insurance fully covers for all guys except for much older ones, are taking a stethoscope and listening on their chest, listening on their back, pressing on their stomach, and then asking the guy if he checks down below regularly. They never advertise when I could get a free lab test. After that, they just poke the guy with a needle to draw blood for a lab test and sometimes get two or three false positives until the doctor say nothing's wrong. And women live an average of 5 years longer than men. And it seems scientists have already figured out how women can artificially have babies without needing men. Then you hear that "Men need to man up." yet I thought the world was supposed to be about equality, yet it's everyone can be who they want to be unless you're a guy. Women definitely deserve love, respect, care, and everything else every person should get. But as a guy.. especially as a guy with AS and much more, I feel like I'm subpar to women, that they will never want me because they want somebody on their level and I never feel like I'm on their level, but I'm attracted to women, and sometimes I wish I wasn't male just because I feel sure that if I wasn't male, I may finally feel like my existence is worth something in this world. But maybe I feel this way from being socially inept to the world. And I'm still trying to figure out the world. And I've never had anybody at all dedicated to helping me unless they wanted cash in return. No friends.. I still have no friends to talk to, to hang out with, etc, and sometimes when the only people who have ever wanted to be my friend come up to me, I'm not sure if I'm scared of them or if they're truly scary people. And the last friend who I could hang out with was years ago when I was still in high school, but he just wanted to use my game console and he stated specifically to a relative that he had nobody else to hang out with so he came to my apartment. Now I'm having a panic attack so I'm submitting this.

I believe you have what is known as a "persecution complex" as well as low self esteem. I think this is due to how you perceive others, and how you perceive yourself, rather than the fact that you are a male. If you were female, you might feel much the same way. You might feel that all men hate you and want to rape you or take advantage of you and you might feel that women wish to destroy you with psychological warfare, or that you just can't measure up to other women because they are better looking and more socially outgoing than you.

I think you should work on valuing yourself more and acting more confidently. Most people are more preoccupied with worrying about what others think of them, than judging others, so I do not think it's right of you to assume that everyone is making such negative judgments against you. Additionally, it takes a lot of energy to hate someone for no reason. Most people would much rather for positive social relationships when given the opportunity.

Concerning women living longer, women do live longer but suffer from more chronic conditions than men. A few reasons women live longer is, they are generally less impulsive and have better judgement. They don't take as many risks and they are less likely to work in dangerous occupations. They are more likely to be health conscious as well.

Most insurance plans cover men and women equally. Women might have a plan that also covers pre-natal care, which men, of course, don't need. Outside of that, free medical care directed at women is usually for pre-natal care....sometimes cancer screenings. I have not heard of women getting free blood work ups unrelated to prenatal care. The last time I had a physical my doctor did everything your doctor did. I had blood work and a urinalysis as well. I pay a co-pay and whatever the insurance doesn't pick up. It's not free.

Being a woman has problems too. Instead of being told to 'man up' you're told you're either too manly and therefore a lesbian etc (and who cares if you actually are anyway?) or you should 'be more feminine, maybe guys/people/your friends/ etc will like you more. If you are a girly girl you're then told to 'stop acting like a girl.' Fellow women laugh at you and say you're manly and have balls etc if you do guy things (like play sport/computer games/can't multi task), if you're a feminine woman or wear less clothes/short skirts because it's too warm etc then you're called a sl*t or told you're just dressing like that to get a guy.

Also, if you're a big girl then everyone makes fun of you and what you wear and often tell you you can't wear this or that, if you're a thin girl people say you have anorexia or you diet heaps or you go to the gym lots just to be thin just to please men or make other women jealous, so you can't win. If you're thin and wear baggy clothes people tell you to 'show your figure more,' and if you're big and wear tight or revealing clothes people tell you to cover up which is silly cause people should be able to wear what they want.

If you don't care about your hair or wear make up people think you're feral or manly but if you wear too much you're a sl*t so you have to get the balance right.

Also watch what you eat in public cause you'll be judged. I'm short and skinny but muscular from playing sport (people ask me if I 'work out' but I do not..why would I...I just play sport because I like it and it's not their business anyway. And they don't ask in a nice way either, they ask if I lift weights and are therefore too manly...) but I eat a lot, and girls always look at how much I I eat and comment and it sucks because I don't comment on them. I also drink beer which apparently girls aren't meant to do, we're meant to like wine and vodka/raspberry. And definitely NOT the beer I drink, which is draft beer that is apparently for 'old men.' Also we can't watch sport because we'll be too manly, but if we watch romance/comedy/girly shows then we get bagged out for being 'dumb girls.'

Both genders have problems, you wouldn't be problem free if you were female trust me. And there are plenty of men out there who don't like us.

I used to think that way; but really, the grass isn't greener.

Sure, if your a beautiful woman, life can be easy, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. Shaving daily, hair care, grooming, takes time. Women have to go through their periods monthly, child birth, raise children, etc.

If your a woman, you might be treated poorly, paid less than a man, you have to worry about wearing the same thing twice in a week, deal with emotional mood swings, etc. As a woman, it's not good enough to do a good job, you have to look good doing it.

Men get a finger up their ass, women get a metal spreader up their vagina. Men have prostate cancer, women have ovarian, utarian, and breast cancers.

If your an unattractive girl, you deal with rejection all the time, or worse, guys who use you for sex then forget you. Girls can bully worse than guys.

Each sex has it's advantages and disadvantages. The key is to play your strengths.