Ups and downs.

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Recently, it seems like I have been feeling either one of two different emotions.

One, I often feel like I am devoid of worth.

The other, I feel like I am capable of being the pinnacle of recovery, I feel like I can manage to get through life without being knocked down any further.

Obviously, these two feelings are totally feeding into each other.

I have been desiring something that nobody on the planet is capable of having - perfection.

Logically, I know how to get out of this. Emotionally, I want to remain clueless. Funny how that works.

Familiarity breeds contempt, and in this case we're familiar with cluelessness as much as we're eager to move past it. Stabilizing my mind herbally and with exercise has been hands down the most eye opening thing I've ever done, but it wouldn't be worthwhile if it never dragged up the emotional baggage I sought to reconcile with. We may be in a rut, but it's a good, evolved rut, and with enough study, concentration and meditation if it helps, it gets cozier.

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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos