I don't understand this and it's uncomfortable
We all know the social complexities of others are confusing to aspie/aspie-like people. I got a big dose of it this afternoon and I really, really dislike it.
The issue follows thus - I'm (supposedly) finishing up my on-campus section of my university degree. The remaining portion is done intern-style whilst on the job. I've had some problems - some aspie-related, some just regular life/workload related. As such, I'm pretty sure I'll be returning to campus to re-do some of my components. I don't think I'll pass, to put it bluntly. Most of the others have it pretty much assured of success. Me - not so much. It just makes me feel (as usual) like less than normal people. Then today, to make it worse, they had "class photos."
Nightmare. I dislike photos anyways, as I have an aversion to being remembered at all, and with the added pressure of failure on my shoulders, I just wasn't comfortable doing it. Everything I do has a reason behind it. My reasoning ran thus -
I don't think I'll pass the course this time around, so I'll have to come back to repeat one or two things depending on marks. I did not want to end up in a photo with a bunch of others who all passed, save for me. When they look at that photo, that's what they'll think. "Oh, there's Lou, the only one who didn't pass with our class." It also made no sense to me to have a graduation photo with a class I won't be graduating with.
No. I also spoke to a friend who said she failed the course last semester, and they sent the photos to her family home. Basically rubbing the failure in to everyone you know, if you ask me. I'd also spoken to someone else who was on his second (and final) attempt at the course, and has failed. He was devastated, and now he's stuck with these photos of him supposedly graduating when he knows, and everyone else knows, he failed.
So I elected to skip the photos on these grounds, plus the fact that I dislike photos because I dislike myself and how I look. I don't smile, which seems to be a problem in photos. I was also wary of the group "muck up" photo, as I foresaw everyone doing things that are apparently funny and me just standing there, expression blank.
So, my reasons seemed perfectly logical to me. But then, the rest of my class start harrassing me, telling me I'm "selfish" because I didn't participate in a class photo, that I'm no longer part of the group.
I'm confused. These are people who have hardly bothered to exchange a word with me all semester, have made it perfectly clear they find me strange and creepy, and demonstrated it markedly when forced to team up with me in classes. You know the story - everyone find a partner to work with, except you're always last to be chosen because no one wants to work with you, because you don't fit in, blah blah blah. It's high school all over again - another reason I didn't want to be involved in the photos. High school was not a happy time for me and this class photo business reintroduced all those connotations.
It seems like a mystery to me why they can have it both ways. They dislike me enough to basically ignore me unless under duress all semester, but as soon as I don't turn up for a photo, suddenly I'm "part of the group" and being "selfish" by being uncomfortable with the photos. It's like I'm only one of them when they have an opportunity to abuse me for it.
Either way, I was going to be uncomfortable. I either forfeit to groupthink and end up with graduation photos my family will see when I'm not even graduating yet, have to sit there and attempt to smile mechanically whilst my class continues to exclude me, or choose to skip the photos, and have them abuse me for being "selfish" because I didn't comply.
It's also confusing to me why what I do or don't do is suddenly all about them. Damn, what I want - they apparently wanted me in the photo, and if I don't comply with their wishes, I'm at fault. I got the impression that they didn't care what I did - I honestly didn't think they'd care if I was there or not, and I'm still confused as to why they apparently do care. They dislike me - why do they want me in the photo?
Another thing that disturbed me was that they didn't even ask me my reasons with any sincerity. If they honestly liked me and wanted me there, they would have come to me and asked genuinely why I wasn't there. They demanded to know why I wasn't, so I avoided eye contact and said something about not being too crazy about photos. To anyone with half a brain, that is not an adequate response. There is something else going on under that answer. If they actually did care, they would have asked me why, and I may have confided my reasons. They didn't, so I didn't. Now I'm stuck here for another two days with people whispering and bitching behind my back, like we're high school, kids again.
Why can't everyone just either leave me alone or at least be consistent? I don't understand this contradictory behaviour.
I would have lost it.
But that is another story, I'd just tell them
to pixx off and leave me alone, I'd tell them
that I want nothing to do with them and to
Stay Away.
Then shun them.
_________________
A Boy And His Cat
When society stops expecting
too much from me, I will
stop disappointing them.
Even though they've rejected you, they are probably pissed that you've suddenly decided that you don't want their valuable company either.. just think of all their precious time they've wasted feeling superior to you
Also, in years to come, there'll be one less photo they can [ore over and go; 'here's so and so, they were a b***h, here's so and so, total weirdo...' etc etc.
I dunno, that's probably an exageration. I'd say some of them are neutral towards you (i.e. not a friend, but want as many people in the class photo as possible). These guys may not even be aware that you might fail and just disappointed to not have one more person to look back on years down the line.
Also, once one person opts out, this can sometimes start a snowball effect and others will leave too, making it not really a 'class photo' anymore.
I know myself, I'd like to have a photo memory of everyone in my class, even if I haven't talked to them very often, but it's completely your choice to be in it or not and they shouldn't be pressurising you so much. Is it a very small/cliquey class or something?
20 people. They are cliquey, yes, and for the whole semester they have excluded me from the clique and barely spoken a word to me. I got a bit defensive when discussing this with my dad, who suggested they actually liked me and I was percieving it wrongly (as in, couldn't precieve it properly due to aspie reasons). I argued that it's not my imagination when no one will pair up with me in classes, or sit next to me in tutorials. It annoys me when people default to everything being my fault - it's my fault for being antisocial, never anyone else's fault for treating me badly.
From an NT perspective, I don't understand it either. My impression is that they are the ones being selfish, not you. They have no respect for your feelings. There are many people who don't like to be photographed, AS or otherwise, and what I don't understand is what are "they" losing by you not being in the photo? Judging by their reaction they are losing something that affects them personally. Frankly I don't understand why they care one way or another, whether they like you or not.
I'd tell them to go get bent. ![]()
curlyfry
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Age: 57
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You have to do what's best for you and sometimes its gonna piss some people off. Who cares if you don't smile look at some portraits of people they are not smiling mostly and that makes them more real. I probably take one decent photo out of every 5. I had to practice a relaxed face in the mirror cause everyone was always asking if I was angry or upset. I turn it on when I'm out and about.
You talk about your class experience. When it was time to grade each others work no one would exchange papers with me (ever!).
leejosepho
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Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock
