Terrified of the sun

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What am I going to do? I am absolutely totally terrified of the sun. I go into severe panic attack even seeing strong sunlight through my window.

In 1997, my last functional year, I was being mightily harassed by the office where I worked. I had a conflict of ... what's that phrase again? ... personality conflict, that's it - with my new boss. And they were vicious and I refused to quit, mostly because the alternative was to become a baglady.

One morning when I walked to work I saw a pigeon trying to go across the sidewalk - he looked like he'd hit a window and would be okay if he could get away from the pedestrians. So I picked him up and put him on a planter so he could have space to recover and it was low enough for him to get down if he wanted. People think that's a weird thing to do, you know that?

Anyway, I began to perseverate. What would I have done if the bird had been seriously injured? I've had lots of pet birds and I identify with them. What if the bird was dying and terrible pain? I know now that I had projected my suffering onto the bird. But every morning I asked myself what I would do and finally I decided that if the vet would only put the bird down, then wouldn't it be easier on the bird if I did it myself (instead of picking him up, boxing him, cab ride, vet exam, etc.).

So then I perseverated on whether I would have the courage to do it. Every morning for a few months. Finally, I decided I could and would put a dying bird out of its misery.

And then one morning I went to the library, and when I stepped outside the sun told me to die. Not out loud, not a voice in my head, not inside me at all. It was a direct order from the sun and I must obey. I was a little relieved. I went back to my apartment and thought, "Is there anybody to thank before I go?" And there wasn't, not my family, nobody. Except for my therapist - he had worked hard to help me. As I dialed his number I knew I was doing the 'cry for help' thing but I talked to him anyway.

He saw me daily free of charge for about a month. At the end of every session he asked me to promise to be alive tomorrow. I told him I couldn't guarantee it, it wasn't up to me, it was up to the sun. He wanted to put me in the hospital but I said, "How long? When I get out the sun will still be there." So he sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me pills.

So I'm still here, but the terror I feel when the sun shines is debilitating. I can't go out at all - I stay in my darkened bedroom. But I can't go to the ATM and I have no more food.

Anybody - help? I'm okay, just terrified and house-bound. But if you've got a theory I'd love to hear it!

Thank you for reading.

Most likely the bird in its dying confusion believed that it was the sun that had caused its injuries and you've just psychically picked up this notion from handling the addled bird. Birds have tiny brains and are liable to come to wild conclusions. You on the other hand are smart enough to know that this doesn't make sense and can throw it off.

If the sun wanted you dead, it would have just killed you itself. The sun is much bigger and more powerful than you and a mere domicile would not stop it if it had any homicidal intent. The sun is a friend of life and has been for millenia, it wants only the best for you and to give you plenty of vitamin E, which you won't get sitting in the dark.

Don't let the bird's dementia make you sick. You're stronger than that, and you'll be fine.

I am sorry you are so scared. Do you have family to help you get some food?
Perhaps the therapist is right and you should go to a hospital. They can not make the sun go away but maybe they can help give you some coping skill.

Thank you, Willard! I'm so glad to have your response.

The bird wasn't dying; he was confused, like they get when they try to fly through a window. I put him in a place where he wouldn't have to dodge human feet. I figured the bird would be okay after a bit of a rest, but I did worry a bit about not being able to give him water.

It was my own suicidal ideation that kicked in or maybe - yes, I saw myself in that bird's situation. I do believe that we can pick up on images from animals & birds, and vice versa. It's nice to hear from somebody who does too.

I am grateful to report that it's raining now! I rushed to the ATM and got food.

But I wish I could figure out the thing with the sun. There's nowhere to hide, that's part of it. I don't believe in a sentient sun that wishes anything on anybody. The sun rules. The command was, "Die." Maybe I was going postal, only inward as a woman rather than outward like a man. That's trite psych. It didn't seem to me that the sun 'wanted' anything. It was just giving an irrevocable command.

Sufi, thank you! It helps to know you care. No, I have no family. I have a community worker who comes once a week but she's on vacation. This all happened in 1997 but it still happens again when sun shines. I abhor hospitals, otherwise I would be in one now. But I'm not a danger, to myself or to others. And it's raining now, so I feel safer. Thank you!

i'm sorry but that reminds me of that character, Howie, from the movie Benchwarmers. He had the same sun phobia & it was hilarious .

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFr2mLg-aTI[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3whE1Bo3dI[/youtube]

I don't like being out in the sunlight when it's hot out. Where I live we've been getting a massive heat way and It's unbearable to me (I was born in February which could be a possible reason why...)

As far as a sun phobia's goes, that's a tough one... There's only 2 things I can offer you to be careful about with the sun...

1. NEVER look at it, otherwise you'll go blind

2. Sunburns, never go out with little clothing on

Aside from that, you could always work at an overnight job. You sleep during the day and work during the night when the sun is down...

Or I could be very gratefully retired and finished with day jobs forever, what a relief. But you are right, they have night shifts now for the kind of work I did and that would have been so much better. But not better than being retired.

Problems with the sun still arise for dentist, doctor, food, bank etc. When I wrote the first message of this thread, it was the 4th day after I got paid, but it was too sunny for me go out.

the sun. the sun is actually our friend, well, for the time being. the sun was born about 4.5 billion years ago out of the remnants of the 'beginning'. it works by fusing hydrogen into helium ( simple version) so at present it's about 70 percent hydrogen and 28 percent helium. it's slowly getting hotter. in a billion or two years the sun will be so hot that the oceans will boil away and the surface of the earth will be scorched into arid deserts. in about the 5 billion years the composition of the sun will lead it to swell into a red giant star and will swallow up the earth in heat so devastating as be be unimaginable. what's left of the sun, our once beautiful and life giving star, will collapse into a white dwarf, it's life, for all intent and purposes, ended.

my guess is that your body will return to 'star stuff' in about 4,999,999,950 years. so....i don't think you have a lot to fear from the sun. right now, in this time and place, you need to embrace the light from our star. it is a bringer of life.

Claradon, I'm going to get you to do something strange here. Find a sun religion and explore it.

I actually googled some sun religions. Result: had to stop re impending meltdown. But it was a good thought.

Try wearing sunglasses and getting the guts to step outside again . If you can't bear (hopefully correct spelling ) to go out in the sunlight first try stepping out with "sunglasses at night" (song) . Moonbeams are actually created by the sun reflecting off the moon, so you'll experience the sun's rays through another cosmic object 1st.