Back to school soon

Post Reply New Topic

-sigh-
Back to school is never fun. I'm worried about what'll happen, socially and academically.
I switched schools last year, and for the first time, I made not one but four genuine friends! They've lasted a whole year now, and that's a big step - Since Kindergarten, I've only had friends last that long twice before, and one of them didn't really count as a friend. I'm scared about what comes next, though. Will they stay my friends?

It's so great, to know that I'm not really alone anymore, though. I'm both terrified about messing up a good thing, and excited, because I've got something great going for me over here. I've got friends, plural, and they're OK with me being me. They're fine with me being direct, and setting groundrules, no matter how strange they are. They don't really care that I'm lost in most social situations, or any of that. But, I'm scared that it'll change.

I also don't know how to deal with my school's academics. At least half of it is really strange stuff (I don't really know how to describe it), where we aren't graded on our actual knowledge, but on our compliance with arbitrary rules. As I once explained to my parents, I'm being graded on how well I can file paperwork. I'm entering High School this year. It should be knowledge, not paperwork. Paperwork's easy, though. There's a system, and if I care, I could get high grades this year. But, I just don't see the point. I'm switching schools after this year, and none of the other schools grade me this way. Why should I even bother?

My dad's starting to pressure me to do well in school, for the first time ever, but he's never even around, so why should he care? He's on business trips literally half the year, and I don't really get along with my mom. I'm hoping to go to boarding school after this, because anything would be better than this hole I'm stuck in now. WP has been my one safe place to go when I get scared, and my dad's taken to blocking it when I have issues at school. He seems to view it as some sort of distraction. It isn't, it's my way of trying to sort through everything that's going on.

I once tried to talk to dad, tell him what I thought about AS. I figured this all out on my own, but due to some external factors, I can't start the process of getting a DX for another year. I once tried to bring it up with dad, in November or December. We talked for one day, and I thought we were getting somewhere. The next day, he went on a long business trip. He never brought it up again. Then, in June, I was going to talk to him but we got sidetracked (social issues w/teachers manifesting themselves in my grades). Seems the only thing he got out of that discussion back in the winter was that WP is a time waster for me, and therefore should be blocked from the computer until I 'proved myself' or whatever. It was late enough in the year that there was nothing I could do to prove myself, so I spent two weeks without WP or anything pertaining to my special interests (we don't have a good school library, and pretty much nothing at the public library, so I couldn't use books to distract myself). I'm worried this'll happen again.

Every time Dad goes on a business trip, he comes back and tries to 'involve' himself in my life. This usually includes adding/subtracting arbitrary rules, messing up things that weren't broken in my life, and leaving me with no predictable schedule. Then, less than a month later, he leaves, and half the rules are forgotten by Mom! Only to have new rules introduced when he returns.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. The blocking of websites fiasco ended with me overstressed, in a bathtub, seriously considering how to kill myself (I didn't, mostly since the only viable way was to use a razor and my razors all looked icky and disgusting. I couldn't really drown myself or anything since the water doesn't always work right in there. Pretty much, had I a realistic means of suicide, I probably would have used it). I had nobody to talk to - normally, I'd try and post something here in the Haven, but WP was blocked. Dad doesn't seem to understand the purpose of this site. He took my computer into the living room, so I couldn't try and videochat my closest friend, who I hadn't seen in a year, and talk to her about anything going on, since my parents would be listening to anything I said. I couldn't post on WP because proxies have problems posting things (all the ones that could work are blocked by WP, for good reason.)

This year could be terrific or horrible, and I don't have any idea which. I just know that if everything gets blocked again, I'm going to have some very serious problems. That time, everything got amplified. Dad blocked Neopets and WP, and I couldn't watch my fave TV shows since I was in the living room. I started acting out a bit more around my friends - I was louder, and less aware of social rules that I'd mostly learned by now. The bus to school, which is usually just unpleasant due to noise, turned into a nightmare. I don't know my new friends well enough to talk to them, and I have no face-to-face time with my best friend, other than the computer.

I could say "Don't be scared that it'll change" but I know it's not that simple. I really don't think there will be any problems, though. If they know who you are and accept you for that now, why should there be?



The only reason to bother is to get through it all as quickly and painlessly as possible. My mom taught me that one in grade school. She said "Yes, it's boring and dumb, but you have to do it. It's not hard for you, so just get it over with so they'll leave you alone." Also, if your father is coming down on you re: grades and taking away privileges, this would be an easy way to get him off your back and regain said privileges.



He's trying to be involved even though he really isn't, possibly out of a misplaced sense of parental "duty" (read: guilt). He thinks that by being harder on you he's being a good disciplinarian. Sadly, his seeing this site as a distraction may simply be a mask for the fact that he doesn't want to admit you actually belong here. Many parents see it as a personal "failure" if their child isn't 100% "normal," whatever that means.



Like I said, I think he's in denial. Since you're still a minor, he thinks that it's his right to "force" you to be "normal," thinking that'll actually work. I don't think he's being cruel on purpose (I know that doesn't help much).



You said you don't get along very well with your mom, but could you talk to her about this? Maybe she could talk to him about how stressful this is. If not her, maybe another adult (relative, teacher, neighbor)?



I'm glad you didn't kill yourself.

Your father's actions are unreasonable, but to him they make sense--it's his way of being a "parent" even though he's never really been one in any way that mattered (guilt, guilt, and more guilt on his part....useless).

Try to find an adult you can talk to about this who would be willing to listen and intervene. A relative would be best, if possible--parents have a way of telling unrelated adults to "stay out of this--how I raise my kid is my business, not yours." The only exception to this is actual abuse, and as awful as all of this is, it probably doesn't qualify legally.

Try to find and use public computers whenever possible. Videochat may not work, and I don't know about Neopets (sorry), but you'll still be able to access WP.

We care about you here. I wish there was more I could offer in the way of advice. Hang in there, things will get better. Maybe you could use your friends' computers. If you're hanging out with them a lot (and, therefore, doing "normal" things) then your parents shouldn't have a problem with that--in fact, they should be happy about it.

Take care.

To a degree, I don't know how to do this. The grading system isn't centered on learning, and I suppose I can do it well, even though it seems like a waste of time, but the comps were taken away because I had problems with three teachers in two months. Two of these issues were communication errors. How am I supposed to just get those problems over with?
Probably. We've had many, many issues in the past (me and dad) because to him, being social/influential and making lots of friends is the most important thing in life. We worked through some of that a few months ago, but I'm not sure how fully it's resolved. (When I was younger, Dad used to coach me on making friends. That much is fine, but he also gave frequent speeches on how my goal should be to have it so that when you walk into a room, everyone wants to listen to me and be my friend. I'm fine with him wanting that, but he put it as my biggest goal in life. The first time I remember this whole speech, I was eight or so. It's lasted four years. Four years of almost no praise for my academics except for some token praise on my report card, and frequently being told that the most important thing in life is friendships. And then a younger brother who's been held back a year, but is very outgoing and makes tons of friends?)

Knowing Dad, he'd still be willing to talk about it. But, the only time I get to talk to him is maybe four days a month. (He's here half the time, so free half the weekends.) If he really wants to resolve anything (school, AS, etc), four days a month isn't going to cut it.

It's not that I have a 'bad' relationship with Mom, it's actually that we have almost no relationship at all. I mean, she cares for me in the whole basic 'you're my child' way, and she gets mad if I get bad grades, but we have almost no bond aside from this stuff. I talked to Dad back in May, and he seemed to understand. Then, he comes back from a June business trip, and we get a)stricter bedtime rules b)this whole WP issue. I don't really have anyone to talk to. We don't know the neighbors, I have no teachers who I really could talk to (my homeroom teacher can barely manage getting to class on time, much less sorting out family problems ) and Dad has a small family, his dad, his mom, his stepdad, and his sister. His mom's the only one who would bother getting into our personal life, and I really don't want to involve her. Neither does Dad, Mom, or anyone with common sense. She loves to meddle in others' lives and isn't very pleasant.
The really confusing part to me is that I don't want to kill myself, most of the time. It's just when everything starts to overwhelm me...

This whole ban affected me more than they realized (Well, I understand why Dad didn't realize - he left three days after the ban started and wasn't back for a week)

I couldn't 'prove myself' because there's nothing to prove. Yes, I told this part to my parents. Aside from this, I'd been doing well in school. I don't typically get recognized for this, though. I can't prove that I'm trying because getting in trouble at school means getting in trouble at home, but doing my best - and doing pretty well - doesn't get recognized. It's not that they expect it, they just don't even know.
There are no public computers around where I am. I looked. To explain, Dad switched companies back in 08 (he's in finance, etc. I'm sure you remember that fiasco). So, in 09 his company decided that they needed him more in Asia. I'm in Hong Kong until June 2011. That means that I can't talk to my friend any other way. And that the public library has no books in English, and no available computers.I don't go to their houses much, and two of them are always in trouble (invariably for bad grades in math class) anyways. I think my parents are glad, I'm finally doing what Dad always put as 'important', but he's too busy to notice much.
Thanks.

I know, I'm probably whining a lot, but your response really is appreciated.

Okay, I guess I don't fully understand how this works (I'm in the U.S.). You said something about "filing paperwork"--could you be more specific? Also, what kind of communication errors--did the teachers misunderstand your behavior as willful misbehavior?



*groan* Well, I forgot exactly what kind of business he's in (sorry) but his livelihood is probably centered around "making friends and influencing people," so that's all he knows.

I'm telling you right now that that is NOT the be-all and end-all of everything (I'm sure you already know this).

If he's making such a fuss about your grades now and never praises you when you do well, this seems a bit hypocritical.



Yikes.

I wish there was more advice I could give about this. Same with the "no public computers" issue and never being acknowledged for what you do well...-sigh- is right.



You're not whining, you're venting...there's a difference.

I wish I could offer more than just sympathy.

There's only one thing I can think of, and it may sound a bit odd/out there. Try to find an "academic-like" subject you find interesting. Go beyond the scope of your school's curriculum (which seems to be woefully lacking in anything useful). Google this subject on the computer in the living room (that shouldn't be blocked) and let your parents see you doing this. Maybe, just maybe, the fact that you are trying to learn about something "useful" on your own may make them start looking at you differently--that is, more positively.

I can't make any guarantees on this--people can be weird about stuff that seems to make perfect sense--but it might be worth a shot.

Or, look up "how to make friends and influence people."

Take care.