Emotional strangeness, feeling as if I'm fake...

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To be honest, I can have some good days, nice moods, generally feeling OK, even content, sometimes sorrow; but I have been dogged with a constant feeling as if that none of my emotions actually come from me per se, a strange belief that I cannot self-generate my own emotions, with one exception - hatred.

I am something of a male version of a Stepford Smiler - the kind of person who smiles and seems happy, but really isn't. I feel that I have a virtually inexhaustible supply of hatred and wrath, and desire to mete it out in the form of mindless and senseless vengeance, taking it out on not just those who had angered me in the past, but even third parties with nothing to do with it, even innocent third parties (such as, theoretically, the children of those I despise). I know all of that hatred is wrong and is unmerited but it seems to be inexhaustible, with me greatly enjoying the very idea (smacking of megalomania as it does) with causing nuclear holocaust, or even ending all life on Earth at once, through some sort of weapon like militarised nanites programmed to spread worldwide to deconstruct all DNA and RNA on the planet - just to be rid of those people who have wronged me, and their associates.

I know all of this level of hatred is evil and tantamount to what is known as the deadly sin of wrath, but I can't seem to stop the hatred, and I can't just be rid of it all even for a short time. It even makes me think that besides my hatred, that no other of my emotions are "real" or "authentic" per se. This causes me to be down on myself, eliciting - surprise! - more hate.

It has been the case at a low level for a while, but has ballooned out of all proportion ever since about six or seven months ago, a break-up with someone (which I would rather not discuss for several reasons). It is as that I think the only thing I could have worthwhile happening for me in the world is, say, nuclear war. And since the breakup, I have remained single "by force" as I call it - I feel the only two valid options against the bad feelings about that are either to beg the doctors for drugs to render me asexual (which I know that they would not give, at least in the public health sector in Australia which is all I can afford at this time under my own financial power) or simply to gather the funds and utilise services in prostitution (which I know are legal in my state of Victoria and can be fairly safe given the right setting, however financially troublesome) - but unfortunately, I have neither the willpower to pester the public health system for asexuality-causing drugs nor do I have the sheer, detached pragmatic will to carry out the action of using legalised prostitution (as I, for all the odds against it, still have this damnable and detestable forlorn hope of "getting someone" as it were legitimately so to speak, and refrain from using prostitution in the fear of it having the effect on forming relationships as having an Israel stamp in one's passport prohibits one from going to certain Middle Eastern nations). Thus I have been unable to take either action listed, though I feel they are the only two valid possible options given the facts.

Well, I'm at a loss. Since a relationship seems a long way off no matter how one looks at it (and also seems to me to be not possible, as if it were mandated against by some form of Divine Prohibition) I can either pester the doctors for the asexuality drugs, or I can pay for a hooker. Neither really seems possible under mine own power alone, and my parents are hesitant to intervene. However, I'm not exactly keen on killing myself either, although that would end the debate full stop, I'm averse to going out looking like a wimp.

OK, back to my mental equivalent of ramming my head against a brick wall over and over...

So you're saying that your anger and distorted views on justice and vengeance stem entirely from sexual frustration? You think all your problems would disappear if you were asexual, or if you had a relationship?

That sounds unlikely to me - and besides, I imagine it would be quite hard to form a relationship anyway when your frame of mind is so angry and unreasonable. It sounds like you need to learn different, more effective ways of coping with anger, which, from what I can gather, is something that lots of Autistic people have trouble with, particularly where it relates to some wrongdoing by another party. My advice would be to organise some therapy, and meanwhile, exercise every day - that always helps with my moods.

I know that it's boring advice, but it works - and perhaps exercise will give you an avenue to feel better about yourself, and more in control.

I would actually prefer it if I could join the armed services, so I could give hatred a purpose - to become a fighter, a killer, a soldier, to benefit the country, rather than merely going to prison - I would prefer not to murder in Australia anyway, as there is no capital punishment and though I may have a poor opinion of my looks (which by the way couldn't have been too bad - I did once have a friends-with-benefits style relationship with someone, mind you I was 21 and she 31; and though I thought it meant something, as far as she was concerned I was just another conquest and thus it was all just a lie from her end - oh great(!), another source of anger and hate - so I must be attractive to at least some sorts, too bad they're usually dodgy), a rather large and desperate male prisoner/cellmate would not be as discriminating...yes, I would prefer "state-assisted suicide", for instance, suicide-by-cop, since I think carrying out a suicidal act upon myself with my own hands would make me look like a coward. By the way, I wouldn't actually want to murder at all - I don't like the idea of me killing another human being - but the anger can make me ponder, "What if I did?" at the worst of times...

Too bad (a) the Australian armed forces wouldn't let me in, and (b) Australia is in my mind just a pathetic vassal state of the United States of America anyway,

@ Poppycocteau: I never said anything about all of my problems dissipating if I were asexual or had some kind of involvement. But I will say that either an involvement or asexuality (more likely the latter given my aversion to using prostitution due to the aforementioned forlorn hope) would cut out a significant enough percentage of the frustration and allow me to become even just slightly more than totally useless to the Australian (or any other) community. Also, I live in an area where psychologists who specialise in Asperger Syndrome have extremely long waiting lists and are few and far between - in fact there is only ONE such individual in the whole of Gippsland (the district in which I reside) - at least to my knowledge - who is any good. I also think therapy's a waste of money anyway, I'd rather find some other means of using money (like, say, taking up learning Japanese again - learning languages is something which I love doing, and is keyed into my Aspergian obsessions anyway). Having said that I've also noticed that most of said anger can actually be mostly racist - but against (most, anyway) White Australians. Ironically, I myself am a White Australian by birth. However I can tell between White Australians who aren't "bogans" (if you're unfamiliar with the term, think an Australian cross between a redneck and a valley girl with the positive qualities of neither) and those who are such - but it's the "bogans" who seem to be culturally predominant in Gippsland, and I have the worries of not just having Asperger Syndrome, but also being a (relative) cultural outsider (even though my parents are both White Australians they aren't part of the "bogan" culture as such) - it does seem to lend me to the thought of wishing to work for those who would mean my people grievous harm, slavery, or even extermination - even if I would be killed in the end myself.

Might clear up some confusion, but I can see why I'm completely bonkers...