despairing

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I have asperger syndrome. i've only recently learned this and was severely shocked upon receiving this information. throughout my life i have been diagnosed with more disorders than i can recall, none of which ever appeared to fit accurately in describing my condition. this is the first time i've found myself so precisely matching every symptom, and i am left with the overwhelming realization that who i am is essentially a disorder; a series of textbook symptoms.

i despair. i am horribly saddened and feel such loss, as if the person that i am never was, but is in fact a problem, not unique to me. who am i, then? am i anyone at all?

i cannot operate with other people and am always so terribly lonesome. i crave relationships and interaction but i keep far from others, i do not know how to interact and i cannot do 'small talk' as i struggle to maintain even attention when it takes place.

i do not know what to do. i cannot afford care, and i have no social circle. i am without a job currently because i keep losing them. i get very upset when people start to small talk me and all jobs i have had involve this, so that i am so stressed that i just stop going to work, i cannot handle it.

i don't know what to do. i am depressed. i feel isolated, i feel alien, i feel like i am nothing, not even a person, and i am not even alive.

You are a human being, as valuable as anyone else, and as capable I am sure. ^^
Asperger Syndrome is not simple, but that does not mean you can't live a good and fulfilling life by any stretch of the imagination.
You are you, and you are not handicapped, just different with symptoms that can at times be stressful and difficult.
Yes, Asperger Syndrome has difficulties and debilitating factors involved, but it is not necessarily a problem.
Asperger's can be problematic when one is overloaded and over stressed and things, but there are good symptoms as well, and I am sure you are a very capable individual. ^^

I will be a friend of yours if you like.

I hope that you feel well, Ferrin. *Hug*

You are not cursed to a bad life at all. ^^

that sounds really rough. but you have found a place amongst your kind. have a look around, and know that there is hope and support here! many people here do care.

You have just one advantage I did not have the night I looked at my mirror with a razor blade in my hand [too long a story, basically EVERYTHING is lost, I cannot go ahead, cannot go back, cannot stand still. Forget career, relationship, life.]

I got through the night and am still here. But you at least have the knowledge of WHY you are, WHAT you are - and there are a lot of others here who have woalked in the same moccasins, where I had ten years to go before I found my first COMPREHENDER.

Hang on. It passes. Ten years from now you will be glad you did.

God don't make no junk.