Physically feeling the descent into depression and insanity

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Lately I've been having numerous meltdowns, anxiety attacks, and periods of just wanting to be cut off from the world around me. I don't want to do much of anything any time, outside rituals: notably work and pub trivia night. At work, I have a lot of free time to just think, which leads to mental breakdowns. There's been several instances lately where I just feel physically descending into craziness and depression. Where I just go into self-hate mode and want to go off the deep end.

I don't enjoy much of anything in life anymore. Even things where I'm looking forward to for a while in advance, once I do them I become seriously disappointed. I have tickets to a baseball game tomorrow, looking forward to it now but once I get there I'll just be staring at my watch wondering when I'll go home.

I hate myself, I hate how my life has ended up, I hate just about everyone and everything around me. All my attempts to be happy have either cost me a lot of money (buying CDs on binges) or gone into moral foul ground (attempted affairs with married women).

i like your screename, i defintley know what its like to go on binges buying things that make you feel better i always imagined what my life would be like if i lived in sub-sahara africa with aids or orpaned with nothing to eat and suddenly my situation didnt seem that bad. but when your in the throws of depression it doesnt really matter you still feel like a piece of s**t

I hope that you get the help that you need, and I hope that it's good help and not the crappy kind I got, when I was first depressed.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months now. My appointments are few and far between, usually 3-4 weeks apart due to vacations and lack of insurance coverage. Half the time, I end up getting distracted from what I really want to talk about and instead get caught up on stupid crap of the week (lately dealing with earlier said moral foul ground, or my job, or how much I dislike my family). And half the time when I do have an appointment, I feel *worse* within the next couple days afterwards. There was one in July in particular where I just kept wishing I was a girl, and since I don't think at work... 10 straight hours of mental hell for days on end.

I think I spent $300 on music last month alone, between concerts and CDs. But part of that was for a festival in Maine which got cancelled, so at least I got that refunded.

i had a thing with buying music in my 20s. i'd buy the same cd over and over again and people were all like "why dnt you just get a ipod?" and i didnt know why. i think it was because i coulnt buy a cd thats why, going to a doctor is gonna be painful dude. i know the very few times i went the doctor was bringing up all this painful crap in my life and it made me feel worse i think thats what supose to happen to get better. i understand it isnt cheep thats why i dont go so i feel like i have a spare on, and need better tires

goodluck

I do know how that is. I've had depression most of my adult life.

I think the lack of structure at work is horrible when you're depressed. What happens to me is if there isn't something I have to do right at the moment throughout the entire day, I tend to get extremely bored and unhappy, then I feel guilty on top of that for not getting anything done.

I know the feeling of physically descending into it too. Before I adjusted my meds (which has helped somewhat) I'd often feel a pressure sensation behind my eyes and I could physically feel the depression. It would be so bad that I was incapable of positive thought or emotion. In those moments all I could feel was this desperate emptiness and it would often fuel all this violent angry emotion where I felt like I was about to snap. I've also become physically violent from depression so bad nothing can really describe it.

With my job, it's just the same repetitive tasks every day and no real thought process to it. Just something simple that anyone can do. Plenty of time to my thoughts.

After a while, it feels like I get weighed down by it all. Then I want to go crazy, but I'm alone inside a corridor of steel and concrete (warehouse)

I can understand that. I couldn't do a tedious job like that. I can't handle boredom.