Ranting. :/

Post Reply New Topic

I need to rant some more in an environment where I (hopefully) won't get flamed. God forbid that I have feelings! f*****g trolls.

Look, as a lot of you already know: I'm fat. Therefore, that makes me incapable of being seen as a woman. I'm a genderless blob who is always single. There's that time of year at college where all my friends start hooking up and I'm left out every freaking time. It's like I missed the registration meeting for a relationship, or maybe that memo was only sent out to the attractive people. Friends that are my age or slightly older, are already getting married (I'm a bridesmaid for one of them), having babies, getting engaged and I sit back and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Oh, that's right. I was born with AS. Stupid Erisad. No one will ever genuinely love you. You're always some guy's "plan B or C."

Now don't bombard me with weightloss tips, all right? I'm doing my best as it is and I don't need some self-righteous size 2 to tell me the secret of getting the body that I want. I can't lose it in a fortnight and I get overwhelmed by all the PMs I usually get from people who feel that I need to hear their little secret to weightloss. Seriously, shut the f**k up and leave me alone in that respect.

I'm also frustrated that I rarely have any time to myself anymore. My roommate is ALWAYS here. I need to cry and it's hard to when she's there. I'm biting my lip and letting the tears roll down at this point but I won't feel better until I sob for a bit. >.<

It's also tiring having people judge me because I'm senior in college and still a virgin, I don't like masturbating, and can't stand porn. Why is this soo f*****g difficult for people to believe? I just don't want it. Why do people need to make me feel guilty about having a really low sex drive? Of course my sex drive is low? If you had a body like mine, you'd never want to touch it either.

It might have more to do with just your general unhappiness which you are focusing on being fat.

In other words, if you were not fat, you would be unhappy about something else.

At least people would care about me if I were depressed and attractive. When I cry, my family and friends just walk away, completely ignore me or yell at me for crying. If skinny b***h starts crying over a hangnail, everyone's sympathetic. It's like, no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough. My hair is too frizzy, there's a blemish here, a roll of fat there, my legs are too short, my feet are wide and square, my fingers look like sausages, I have AS, I can't drive, I can't keep a job, I most certainly can't attract a mate.

Look, Erisad, I'm going to be blunt, but not hurtful, OK? Your weight is not the main problem here. It is what you have decided to believe, that is short circuiting your opportunities in life. Take this statement:

Now, if you truly believe that, you will not be in a position to receive love, if and when it should arrive. Believe it or not, you are using the power of affirmations. But you are affirming only the negative. Affirmations work. Just look at how miserable you are feeling! BTW, I have seen your pictures. Sure you are overweight. But you have a sweet face! One of the most difficult things to do in life, is to change what we say to ourselves on a regular basis. It will be hard, because you have already formed that habit. But you can just as easily form another. It isn't all about what you weigh. It's about what you affirm and believe about yourself. Here's another negative affirmation:

At least you recognized, by your choice of the "head banging" emoticon, that you are frustrated with your behavior! You could just as well say:
"Oh, that's right. I was born with AS. I am worthy of love and acceptance. But before I can expect that from someone else, I am going to learn to give it to myself."

Don't worry, I won't! Anyway, I have read your posts and I can see that you are trying to work on the weight issue. But believe me, even if you succeeded in losing the weight, if your self talk isn't affirming in a positive way, you will still feel miserable inside, or worse, you will regain the unwanted weight. Just remember that you have more control than you realize, over this situation. I sincerely hope this helps!

You're not an object, or a peace of meat on an auction market evaluation. Your worth isn't in your BMI - it's in your inner qualities. You deserve to respect yourself for who you are, always, because I'm sure you're doing your best - and there isn't a point in beating yourself over not being perfect, since nobody is. Don't be so dependent on other's approval, since you'll be chasing shadows and always be one step behind.

Sending hugs, and hoping you'll feel better soon.

Holy smokes! You are me 28 years ago!

Hartzofspace - I usually would agree with what you said but society has proved this over and over again. If a woman is heavy, guys will only "settle" for her because they're out of options. I try affirming the positive, I just slipped today when I saw that I gained some of my weight back and became super frustrated. It's like, I'm already eating small portions to the point where my friends think I'm starving myself. I'm exercising and not snacking between meals. Then the small girls at my table who eat ice cream every night and never gain a pound, complain about being fat. It's like shut the f**k up. Guys love you, therefore you are not fat. :/

Booyakasha - BMI's BS anyway. It doesn't take muscle into account. Besides, I don't see what there is to respect. I'm a 21 year old still living with her mother who berates her on a regular basis. I feel that this may be a result of quitting my anti-depressants but I will not take them again because they contributed to my weight gain in the first place. Even when I am on them, I still cry but only when they wear off so it's not like they're even helping. :/

Eh? Oooookay. I don't know how I'm supposed to take that since I don't know you. D:

Erisad, don't beat yourself up over your weight. please. i promise everything can change if you learn to care about yourself. it isn't easy, and i am not all of the way there yet. i still have a long way to go, myself. when i learned to love myself more, other people found me more love-worthy too. really.

i have seen pictures of you, and to me you are so incredibly beautiful. but i know that doesn't mean anything to you - you need to hear it from some guy. i understand that. but you are beautfiul, both inside and out.

I'm caring for myself (health-wise) the best I can while at college. The food here isn't really the best for you so I have to eat really small portions. No wonder I gained 60 pounds over three years at college. I'm hanging out with a bunch of friends and they all are ordering Chinese food and I had to decline. I knew that if I continued to pretend that I could eat like everyone else, I'd get even fatter and then I probably wouldn't have friends anymore. I know the aroma of it is going to kill me when it gets here. :/

Exactly. Girls think I'm beautiful, guys don't. If I was a lesbian/bisexual, I would have an easier time finding relationships but noooooooooooo I just have to be straight and end up competing with all the hot chicks at college. I can't even get a second look. Even the creepers don't want me. I swear, you know you're ugly when the creepers who will sleep with anyone who asks don't even want you. D:

How can I love myself when there's really nothing to love? Seriously, with all the "qualities" I have, I could be replaced by a puppy. D:

Society doesn't know what is best for you. The herd can all run and jump off a cliff, and you don't have to join them, nor do you have to feel sorry for them. As for guys who would "settle for you," what if you don't want to settle for them? Nobody ever has to settle. Unless that is the agreement you make with yourself. I was once like you, and now I am loved for myself, and not my weight. I am heavier than I would like to be, but my man loves what's inside, and not my weight. BTW, I showed him your pic, and he said that you were really cute. You can believe that, because he is not given to idle compliments, and he is very honest! If he can see your beauty, there are others who will see it, too.

Be patient with yourself. When you see weight gain, just keep trying, with love. Don't beat yourself up. Say, alright, this isn't working. What else can I try? But don't give up, because you are worth the effort.

If I don't want to settle for them? I don't know if I'd even have a choice. Mom wants grandchildren and if I'm not married by 25, she'll never let me hear the end of it and try to hook me up with bible-thumpers. I have 4 years left to lose 100 pounds, get my license, a car, a job in my field, moved out and THEN I can start dating. Is he old? The only attention I have ever got was from a 50 year old cuban stalker and 15 year olds on the internet. :/

Trying with love? That sounds like something I'd hear in a children's TV show. If love is the secret to weight-loss, no wonder I'm still fat because I've only been manipulated for oral sex by my ex whenever his "favorite girl" is mad at him. How patient do I have to be? I've been this way for 11 years. I've missed so many opportunities in my youth because of my size. Peers were embarrassed to be seen with me. Guys would pretend to ask me out as an initiation into the cool kids group. I missed out on my teen years because of it and it's affecting my college experience too. It's the only time I can even interact with the opposite sex because I have no friends back home. All the people who talked to me in high school all moved on, are engaged, married or are too smart and successful to associate with me anymore. By the time I lose enough to become beautiful, I'll be too old to have fun and stuck in that phase where all you do is work and pay off bills so I won't have time to date anyway. D:

Being fat is not the end of the world. I hope you feel better, soon.

no i mean 'care for yourself' as in thinking you are a wonderful person.

i think, from the stories you've told on here, that you are have been mistreated and rejected too many times. i think it would be very very hard to pick yourself up from that. i had rejection too, but mostly from girls (i had mostly boy friends until i was older).

i'll be frank with you - i'm fluffy too, and i used to be even fluffier, and i still had/have guys hitting on me. it's a matter of noticing it when it happens. you simply have to be confident enough to believe it is really happening to you and take advantage of those situations where you meet someone you want to get to know better. if you don't believe you're worth the male attention, the guys won't think so either. i have a long way to go with accepting myself as well.

personally, i think the WP forums can sometimes be very bad for a woman's self esteem. some certain male trolls (and some of the more popular posters) say some shockingly nasty stuff on here about women. i'm starting to really think that heavier moderation is required, because the mean dialogue gets totally out of control... men on here sometimes make it seem like only perfect, skinny, athletic girls are worthwhile, but i do not believe, from my own personal experience, that this is the case with the majority of men in the real world.

One's health is the basis for their entire life, if you aren't healthy (or look it) than your life is s**t. Companies are cutting back on hiring fat people because their insurance is higher, guys don't want anything to do with me, I can't enjoy a meal without feeling guilty afterwards, I can't wear the cute clothes everyone else does and the plus-size clothes are made for grandmas or white trash.

When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say I wanted to be a mommy. Seems achievable right? Sure, if we're drunk, have random sex and then he walks out as soon as he finds out I'm pregnant. I want my child to have a father so she won't end up as f****d up as I did. I know I'll gain weight when I get pregnant so I have to be hot to start with so the baby weight won't look so bad. If I want to get married and become a mother, I would need to have a guy that would actually stick with me. So in short, I'm f****d. Because what quality man would want me anyway? To obtain a man of higher quality, I must be higher quality. I.E. Not myself. D:

Oooooh. Well, that's really hard right about now. >.<

If a guy was hitting on me, I think I would notice that. It just doesn't happen. I'm in the friend zone permanently. Guys don't think of me that way. They want me to edit their papers and that's it really. It's one of those situations where the guys that I like only see me as a friend or a sister. The guys at college don't want me. Why would they when there are much better woman (in every sense) available in the same place?

I know. I feel that I can't post my opinions freely anymore. Even in the Haven, I'm afraid of getting flamed. Even the guys (and some of the women) on WP feel the need to make judgments about me just because I'm not a size 2 and sexually active. I have a vagina, therefore I must know every little thing about masturbating, porn, sex and men even though I don't have experience in any of these things. When I post my opinions on dating and sex, some jackass comes by and is like, "SHUT UP SEX ARE TEH BEST AND U HATE IT BECUZ U CAN'T GET ANY FATASS." That's why I put up a flame shield after most of my posts in L&D and the Adult Section. Apparently it's a crime to have a low sex drive. D: