Should I mug the old woman?

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My 80-year-old mother offered me a loan the last time I talked to her and I said, "No." Then I got a check from her in the mail today. She says she needs it back in time for property taxes in the spring. She's living hand-to-mouth herself, and can't afford to lend money to a deadbeat.

My car died a couple of months ago. I had to quit the marginal job I had. It wasn't much of a job, but losing it makes my life sound even more pathetic. We have four people sharing one car.

Hubby and I are barely speaking. He could scrounge up enough for a used car. He should. But I'm not strong enough to win that one.

If he lets me go without a car until income tax time, I was planning to force it out of him. No point in previewing that argument today; one quick, ugly fight on the day itself and it would be done.

Now, If I take my mother's check, I need a firm understanding, TODAY, that I can pay it back in time. That means I'll have to listen to his s**t for seven (7) months. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

Someone, tell me what to do.

That's a hard call. Maybe your mom had some money saved, and that is what she sent you? There's a lot of unknown factors here, that make it hard to give definitive advice. Maybe some others here can help you out,; I hope so!

It totally sucks, Tahitiii, but we can't tell you what to do. What we can do is listen and bounce ideas back to you. We can even tell you what we've done...why I am using "we"? I better just speak for myself. Please sub "I" for "we" in all instances.

What I have done is put both feet on the floor each morning and do my best, return home ASAP, and de-stress.

I also try to keep the placebo effect in mind. "That which you manifest is before you" (and all that rot for example). A lot of quasi-Buddhist thinking seems to help me as well. When that fails a good SciFan book will do the trick.

I have had to learn that I will never be anyone special to anyone and be content with a mediocre life.

I am not a particularly successful person, but I get by and enjoy every moment that I can.

Some how this works for me most of the time. This probably didn't help, but at least you know I cared enough to write and that very well could help

I guess for some people, a chemical cure works better, but I have never done that. I am all about the placebo.

Parents can be impossible, but she gave you the money out of parental love, my dad would give me checks but I never cashed them

i dont understand why taking the cheque would mean 'listening to his s**t' for 7months?
if you did get a car would you be able to get another job and pay her back?

People get caught in "hidden contracts" all the time. Someone does you a "favor". If you take the "favor" you now owe them something that was assumed by the person but not verbalized. Its sometimes called "having strings attached". more at: http://findatherapist.wordpress.com/201 ... tionships/


We don't know "him", but I would guess that Tahitiii has been involved in a hidden contrat with "him" and has learned to avoid them. I have certaintly gotten caught in them.


When I was looking for a site that would explain them better than I could, I mostly found employment-related sites. It explained why I cannot hold an office job. I must get involved with multiple contracts I have no knowledge of - they are never voiced or written, just assumed. And then I start breeching them.......whoooosh, right over my head!

that all sounds very manipulative. and i still dont understand how by taking the cheque she will somehow become indebted to her husband too:/. wouldnt the husband be glad of the help and eager to pay it back? and if he didnt want the cheque wouldnt he be more willing to buy her a car himself. how confusing

btw i love your avatar pic. where is that cute little statue thing from??

I don't KNOW this is the case for Tahitiii and her husband. I just know that it is something totally confusing and boggles my mind - and trips ME up in relationships and in jobs where I have to see the same people on a daily basis.

On the other hand, I am very guilty of assuming that friends will be truthful and loyal and accepting of my aspiness, and then shocked when they aren't to the point that I prefer to just hang with Teddy, Eloise (woof, woof), Grendel, and Minnaloushe (meow, meow) - who do keep this hidden contract with me. In return I meet their hidden contracts of a good, kind and reliable friend who tries to meet their physical and emotional needs. There is also Frank (glub, glub) with whom there are few assumptions on either side, but he does have food and clean water as needed - not sure what I get out of the deal

The six of us are a very happy household. I don't need/want anyone else. Just books, my lap top, bicycle, and an income for food and rent.



I did a double-take when I found it on goodle images. It looks like my tow-headed-self nearly 60 years ago, and is totally something I have done. I thought it WAS me when I first saw it.
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Thanks, people.
Sorry I haven't been back. My computer time is limited.
A few seconds here, a few seconds there... I need to be able to sit and relax to use a place like this.

Not likely. I've been mostly unemployed for ten years. I'll still look for a real job, but I won't base a promise like that on the slim chance of finding one. I have found a part-time job within walking distance. It's almost as pathetic as the last one. It won't add up to enough.
If I accept my mother's check, I need to be sure that I can pay her back with the income tax refund. That means I would need to tell hubby about it now. That's a fight he can re-pick every day until March. In his mind, he'll think of all the things he might have done with that money, and the value will double and triple over time.
Good link. That's one of my main problems. At work and at home.

With hubby, the fact that he gets a paycheck means that he can treat me like s**t. If what you do doesn't bring in money, it's not worth anything. But even when I was earning a decent paycheck, it didn't count for one excuse or another. The unspoken bottom line is that what he does counts because it's him, and what I do doesn't count because it's me. The logic goes around in circles.

Or -- here's a good one -- If I enjoy a particular chore, like child care, it doesn't count as work. If I do something I hate, but without whining, he can pretend to believe that I'm enjoying it. If I let it be known that I hate the job, that makes me a bad person, so I have to smile and pretend. So, nothing I do counts.
In theory, one would think...
But he doesn't want me to have a car. Or any dignity or self respect...
And it's not so much the need to pay it back that's the issue. It's the joy of having an excuse to harass me. He's not going to give that up.
Sounds good to me. Can I move in with you guys? I don't eat much, and I don't need much room. I won't kiss your butt, but I won't beat you up, either.
It's the same with me, that part about being "shocked" when people turn out to be manipulative or whatever. My delayed reaction doesn't help. By the time I figure it out, it's too late to do anything.

I still haven't decided what to do.
I'm probably going to cash the check and get a car.
But I'm dreading the conversation I need to have first.

Sounds like a wake-up call for the relationship.

It sounds like Tahitiii heard the wake up call long ago.

It can be very hard to face the economic challenges of being single.

It can also be hard to leave someone who is emotionally abusive. The abuse undermines the recipient in insidious ways.

It can also be difficult to end a long-term relationship. Some people are loyal to a fault.

I have had two abusive relationships (and I still cannot believe I got caught off-guard a second time), so I know how dificult all this can be. Its not easy. Being aspie makes it all just that much harder and confusing. People have to fingure things out at their own pace and have truth-telling, but nonjudgemental listeners.

People are always telling me to date, but I know what an idiot I am. I "solved" my vulnerability by embracing solitude, and I'm sticking to it.

Tahitiii needs to weigh her options and make the best choice for herself.
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he sounds horrible:/

i think you should cash the cheque and leave your husband.

Yes, I know this.

I watched my mother struggle to leave an abusive marriage, and witnessed much ugliness. I followed in her footsteps, relationship wise. He was abusive, but I thought I had to stay with it, because of my child. We, (my daughter and I,) nearly got killed.

True. As an Aspie myself, it took me twenty years before I tried again. And, I sincerely hope that you aren't saying that I was judgemental, just now. Because my comment was not intended as a criticism nor a judgement. A wake up call is just that.


Of course she will. I think that she is stronger than she realizes.

My bad, I did think so a little bit. I am glad I was wrong

It's alright.