I'm sorry for being a reject.

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But I'm not like you guys think. I never had the help I should have gotten. I was emotionally abused in school, considered the reject, outsider, outcast, the one who didn't belong. My second grade teacher stuck me into the back of the classroom facing the wall and when I would turn around to look at him, he told me to face the wall. I didn't learn like other kids did and teachers never helped me in elementary school. They were too busy nitpicking me and wouldn't even try to support my parents who would pay an arm and a leg just to get me diagnosed with SOMETHING to help me with services. I didn't start receiving services for Psychiatry until a few months ago.

All my life I've been so outcasted from NTs growing up that I've been forced to live so much in my own world with not a friend in the world who even once understood me. I was always so alone that I growing up my problems got worse and even my anxiety escalated to great lengths. It makes me feel sad that I get ridiculed because I'm not like you guys. Because I say that I was diagnosed as mentally challenged.

It's hard for me to even express my daily struggles with what I have because I was so outcasted that no one tried to help me. People took advantage of me, they used me, tossed me to the side. No one ever listened to what I had to say and no one ever once tried to give me some advice. When I came here, I came here because I wanted to be understood and yet even here some of you guys seem to tell me that I am not mentally challenged. I mean sure, maybe I'm not not don't think that is MY problem and not yours? Some of you always act like you have such easy lives at being who you are as having asperger syndrome that it makes me feel like I don't even belong with anyone.

I've never once been able to find even a few people who know what my life is like. I cry everyday and I face large amounts of depression and anxiety because people nitpick me about what I am or what I have. It's not my fault for having so much trouble that I can't express myself. I can't even explain to you guys how hard it is because you still probably wouldn't understand. I'm always pushed off to the side, the one that is always seen crying off in the corner while everyone else is having a good time with friends, going to the movies and being totally content or happy. How can you ever understand what my life is like even ONCE in my life.

I feel upset by this because I only want to be heard for once. I want to find that one person that knows what my life is like. I came here because I thought maybe I would find that and yet I just... yeah.

It seems like I'll never have a place to fit in no matter where I go. I'm just going to have to live my life alone the rest of my life and be lucky that my boyfriend is at least trying to understand me. I have so many friends and yet not a single one of them know me well at all. Not even friends in real life who also have disabiltiies do.

So really, I feel like I'm isolated and I want help. I want people to be able to relate and be told I'm not the only one but yet even most of you guys don't say that. I seriously feel like crying, like no matter how hard I try, how hard I make those happy that I always end up doing something wrong. Why can't someone just understand that for once in there life?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish I could help your hurt.

I'm sincerely sorry for you. I think I understand, a bit, what your life can be.
It's difficult for everyone - and especially for people like you and me - to be accepted. But you shouldn't give up. I bet you could fight for this. Not fighting like hurting people around but fighting with your own problems, your own lacks, your fears and pejorative beliefs. Maybe calling a psychologist for a therapy would help you.

Well see, I'm just now trying to figure myself out. Because for 21 years, I've been forced to hide everything. I never knew what was wrong and other people didn't want to help me at all. At my elementary school I was just a tiny little mouse and everyone else were the giants trying to squish me. I would try to run away but the more I ran the more they would come after me. I could never find a place to escape. I was always forced to hide everything inside because not a single person could help me. I was suffering inside and yet instead of trying to help me they only made it worse. I mean you guys probably had what, two or three bullies making fun of you? Try having your whole SCHOOL make fun of you, making YOU feel responsible for something you didn't do and for every little tear you shed where instead of trying to be understood, you were isolated because of the problems you had and not even one person had a clue about.

I don't want to be called fake because I have something that I might have. I come here because I want to understand what I might have and don't have. I never received any of the help I needed. I'm just now learning about this and what I feel around me. I don't want to be told I don't have something in a rude manner but in a helpful manner. You just can't began to feel what I have my whole life and not wonder what it's like. I've been quiet for years because people just push me to the side and say, "you don't need that". No one helped me the way I needed to and my parents often fought long and hard just to get me that help but because I was so emotionally disturbed and traumatized by schools before, I never had an outlet or enough will power to cry because as much as I wanted to it was like nothing would come out. I couldn't express myself because I was always forced just to hide everything. I was afraid that people would misunderstand me more to the point where I would be driven away from everything.

Actually I do know what it's like to have an entire school deride you. I'm glad I had a mother who always believed in me.
It sounds like you had parents that fought for you. You should bless them even if they got everything else wrong. There are so many here whose parents were evil and thoroughly destructive.
Of course that does not make you feel any better. No matter how good you feel about other parts of your life, rejection will always hurt.

Oh, I love my parents because even now they are the parents who do their best to understand me but also fight with everything just to get the help I need and this is with everything. My dad is even more understanding and I gotta admit, at times I am spoiled but its more in the lack of development sort of aspect. It's not because I do it so much that I understand why do it. It's because in a way, I'm more of a ten year old then a 21 year old but with the emotional development of a two year old. I mean it's not normal for a person my age to act this way but I feel so young and childish too. I feel like I didn't grow up the way I was supposed to and because no one really chose to help me and no matter how my parents fought with them.

skook and society absused me
as well.

this is 70% of the reason I am
crippled today.

There is no "get over it" and if
someone says it to me I will say
"no", or i might just snap my
fingers and say ok done then
going on my way. Means I didn't
"get over it" I just snapped my
gingers in sarcastick way.

The damamge has been done,
and I have not much left to give
back to "society" except maybe
some tantrums to the rest of them
and maybe some happy playtime
to those that are kind to me.

I'm not in much better shooze myself.

My mum and dad were ok, as ok as
parents can be, I don't think they
found ourt everything, that they shoo
have but at least they tried their best.

Well, I'm pretty sure too, that I have a little bit of mental retardation. I mean I never have acted my age one bit. I love playing with toys. I love playing with kids to the point where I feel like I actually RELATE to them. I can never be around anyone in my own age group because it's like, I feel I just don't belong. I still sleep with the light on every night. I still carry around my Axel plush. I SLEEP with my Axel plush too. Some of these things become more contreversial but I do think I have it. I still even watch cartoons. I can't watch the news or anything people my age normally watch. I don't understand that sort of stuff because its so confusing to me. It's like jibberish to me. D: Yet, with cartoons I feel like I can watch them and not worry about what is going on. It's just not very noticeable online because I've learned to adapt from it.

You know, I always feel like saying "sorry for being who I am, I'm sorry for not meeting every expectation you have for me, am sorry for not being who you wished I could be, and sorry for not being of your liking. I need your acceptance, I need that you understand me, and wish I could understand you. I wish you could see me as who I am, and not as a thing" My brother is constantly ignoring me, and if I want to sit down and watch TV with him, he turns up the volume because he knows I can't stand loud TV, nor loud noises. I had some friends, and I have been thrown around. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just choose the easy way, and kill myself, but then again, I'm too much of a wimp to do it. I constantly feel as if I'm falling through a deep hole, and each day I'm deeper and deeper.

You have parents who love you and there is one person who will NEVER abondon you. .....Jesus. Always keep faith and hold your head up high. Keep your dignity. You made it through school. School is considered the worst years of our lives here. You survived and therefore you have the right to hold your head up high. High school was a nightmare for me with respect to the constant bullying but I made it and survived. To top that, I ended up going to college and graduating and getting my diploma. I am now a paralegal and am now pursuing my dream to go to university and law school. Because I held my head up high and kept my faith, I survived and went on to better my life. You owe it to yourself to never give up and to hold your head up high. NTs can say what they want but it won't make a difference in the world ...all that matters is what you think. Life is full of challenges. ..dont give up...keep moving and you will be suprised at where it can lead you.

I don't blame you there, I can't watch
the news without becoming a hateful
mizzrabbable old fart, even tho I'm
not as old as an old fart, well he said
"You aint old until your as old as ME!"
and then laffs. An older friend of mine
told me that, he's cool.

I dont' nunderstand growedup stuff
I don't wAtch the news either, its dumm
unless there is something that will mess
with me and then my family will phone
and break it down fo rme and help me
to domsomething about it.

I don't watch alot of regular tele/tv
mostly my dvds, Teletubbies, Rugrats,
Pokemon, Arthur, Bob The Builder,
Sesame Street, other happy things
that don't bring me down.

I got quite a few cat dolls I sleep
next to some times its my Mufasa
lion sometimes its my Build A Bear
or shood I say Build A Cat, because
he is a kittypuss.

I enjoyed hugging as well as playing with toys and could easily relate to children all the way to the age of 23. I stayed at the top of my class, largely because many of my undergraduate teachers were decent people who did not harass me as yours had. Seriously, you're not mentally ret*d and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The people who bullied you and those who stood by don't deserve you, and you don't have to feel how they want you to feel.

You deserve to be happy.

You are NOT alone here iheartmegahitt. I can really relate to your post. I've had lots of problems as well when I was a kid. I have disabilities bedsides AS that people wer not aware of or understood; I'm very nearsighted & the docs didn't diagnoses it till my senior year of high-school. A lot of my classmates thought I was mentally ret*d because I'm dyslexic, ADHD & my AS issues. I was expelled from school in 4th grade because I was having problems with bullies. A bully said I spit in his face & the teacher sent me to the principal & he asked me why I spit in the kid's face. I said that I didn't spit in his face & the principal ask me why the teacher said I did then & I said because he told her I did. The principal told me not to be smart & that was my last day there. My mom was a teacher there & the school only went to 4th grade so I got to start my summer a month early & was passed to 5th grade. In 6th grade a bully accused me of grabbing his package in a fight. When my dad went in for the meeting with the principal; he asked if there wer any witnesses & she had the gull to say that the bully wouldn't lie. I think my life would be a lot better now if people would or recognized & understood my AS, vision & other things & gave the the rite kind of accommodation & help. If you or anyone else need/wants to talk about stuff; feel free to PM me. NOT everyone here is unsympathetic

You are wonderful just the way you are, and really, that's all that matters. I'm sorry you felt bullied. I wish I had seen and stepped in earlier. Really, I think the guys weren't trying to attack you. We all come with our own issues that we're dealing with, and that means somehow finding the patience to deal with one another when someone mis-steps.

I hope you didn't think I was attacking you, and if you did feel that way, I hope you understand I was sincerely trying to help--even if I said something wrong.

I think your post resonates with most people here. Except the whole "mental retardation" part. I still think the reasons why you think you're "a bit mentally ret*d" (thinking so means you lack a MR diagnosis in the first place) are offensive at the least to yourself and the people that post here.