Angela was everything...

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Because of who I am I've never connected to people. When Angela came it just felt right. We were able to talk for hours, and I love her more than anything.

I was paranoid. I was afraid that she would get tired of me, and leave me for another guy. After I broke up with her a second time she didn't want anything to do with me.

It's been two years, and I'm still not over her. I still beg for her to take me back... She's the only person I've connected to as a friend or lover. In twenty one years she's the only person I've ever felt an attachment to. Now I don't think it'll ever happen again.

I can't live like that... If she's not going to take me back then I don't know what options I have. I can continue living in misery, or end it all before I have the chance to die alone...

I just wish she would take me into her arms, and I could cry...

I'm thinking that maybe I need to go back to the mental hospital... I can't get over her, and no matter how much I try connecting to other people, nothing works. She's the only one that I ever felt close to as a friend or more... I wanted to marry her, but now it's over... She hates me...

I have felt the sting of rejection many times in my attempts at a relationship Graychild, often looking back I had a skewed view on life and my hopes that things would work out the way I wanted them to. We cannot predict everything, and usually with human beings the more you want to point out behavioral characteristics the more they will try to create exceptions to what we view as plain evident truths. I'm not the ideal man to be doling out advice when it comes to failed relationships, the last person I really connected with ended up getting married and filing a harassment in the workplace charge against me. What I did not understand at the time was that because she worked with me and knew I was interested in her, was that she was playing with me. In retrospect I should have filed charges against her for kissing me and showing me pornographic imagery. Oh and working in a group home while doing that kind of stuff is also kind of a new low now that I think about it. (Sorry I am on a tangent.)

After that I spent a few months evaluating what I had been feeling for a long time, how I wished I could be a better more successful man for a woman I had long standing feelings for. Success was out of my reach though since in order to do anything in psychology I require a masters or doctorate and standardized tests terrify me. I asked her for just one date, I needed hope in order to keep going and believe that things would work out. The only response I got out of her was one word, "no". We had been acquaintances for years, I took it really hard and in response I wrote a rather nasty hateful letter telling her how all her friends thought she was an undateable psychotic b**** with an eating disorder that compensates by excessive exercise. Not even minutes after I wrote that letter I realized I had hurt someone I loved just because I could not convince them to do something for me. I still feel terrible about it, knowing that she will never forgive me and feeling like I have ruined every relationship or possible relationship just because people do not necessarily like to act the way we want them to. I'm 26 years old, I'd be 27 next month.

I understand the paranoia, believing that our friends are making fun of us behind our backs. That maybe there is some sort of conspiracy for them to play nice and keep me from hurting myself or others, that maybe all the white lies people tell me are just to keep me from getting out of hand. That life will never necessarily go the way we predict it will and all the connections we hope to make are just passing transitory things, so we ask ourselves 'what's the point?' and 'why should I try to do this again?' if we are just going to ruin things or hurt the people we care about.

I am going to go into another tangent again, I hope you find some meaning in it though. I read fiction, a particular favorite of mine is Jim Butcher's Dresden files series; I find a lot of inspiration in what I read there because Harry Dresden is one of those plucky characters trying to do the right thing in a world full of monsters and madmen. One particular short story called "Restoration of Faith" is free which I recommend reading; it has some quotes there that I think would be worthwhile to think about:

"I'm told that bravery is doing what you need to do, even when you're afraid. But sometimes I wonder if courage isn't a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes, I think, courage is pulling yourself up off the ground one more time. Doing one more set of paperwork, even when you don't want to. Maybe that's just plain stubbornness, I don't know. "

"I moved my hand, and a soft, pinkish light flowed up out of the ring around her thumb, a loving, gentle warmth. I heard Faith draw in a little gasp of surprise, and then a delighted smile spread over her mouth. "But how?" she whispered. I gave her a smile. "Magic," I said. "The best kind. A little light in the dark." She looked up at me, studying my face, my eyes. I shied away from the perception of that gaze. "I need to go back, don't I?" she asked. I brushed a stray bit of hair from her forehead. "There are people who love you, Faith. Or who one day will. Even if you can't see them beside you, right here, right now, they're out there. But if you let the dark get into your eyes, you might never find them. So it's best to keep a little light with you, along the way. Do you think you can remember that?"She nodded up at me, her face lit by the light from the ring. "Whenever it gets too dark, think of the good things you have, the good times you've had. It will help. I promise." "

I know it's hard, thinking about the good things when there is so much BS that goes on in our lives. In my life I have a manic depressive schizophrenic mother, a severely depressed father, both unemployed whom I live with in a broken down trailer. I am on academic suspension from school and losing interest in continuing fast. I feel alienated from my friends due to my acquaintance being a much closer friend of theirs. I kept every letter that my acquaintance wrote me, every positive memory of what I dreamt of with me. Even the cock tease at work, I still keep photos of her and try to remember how good it felt to hold onto her; to feel the comfort of embracing someone I shared a connection with. I'm not going to tell you to keep going on or that you'll find someone else, usually when people say that we are never ready to listen to it. I think you should consider talking to someone at the hospital first before you start making statements about killing yourself though, let them know how attached you were to this person and ask for help dealing with how you feel about it. You may never be able to prove to Angela that you are repentant and sorry for your actions, but you can keep yourself from repeating the same mistakes in the future if you get help now to deal with the paranoia and self esteem. This is a very long message but I do hope it helps, I just want to try to put something good in this world myself.

I've been there. A guy and I had a mad crush on each other, a few years back. He ended up hating me, after I've made the mistake of posting about some problem, in the haven. I've ended up being so angry, that I wasn't myself, for a little over three years. I've moved on, and rediscovered my Cockney Spirit.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and missing Angela.

I would seek some help as you suggest, if missing her is causing you so much grief