Feeling sad, depressed, isolated..

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I feel horrible about myself. I'm always trying to be someone i am not but i just cannot help it. I feel that i have too many personalities to cope with and i don't feel sane. I feel really simple minded and even my writing and verbal skills seem like they are deteriorating on me. My motor skills are poor yet i try and act as NT as possible just to impress even strangers. I feel so ashamed about being autistic, i hate not being able to look people in the eye or relate to what people are saying no matter how hard i try or how much i know about things. I always have to ask if i'm doing something right or wrong because i cannot make my own decisions. I feel lost in this world, too many things to deal with. People are always telling me i look sad or they tell me to cheer up, "life isn't all that bad" yet they don't understand that my mind works differently to theirs..i can't just cheer up. Why? Because i am unhappy about who i am and how my brain processes things. I've been through so much s**t in my life- being taken the piss out of because of my physical appearance "big ears", "dumbo", "skinny", "p***y", "boney". Also the fact that i cannot fit in and feel withdrawn and isolated even around family and so called friends.

My dad who i never knew died when i was 7 and was apparently an alcoholic loser from what heartless relatives were telling me. It used to make me so angry that people actually told me what he was like despite me not having any interest at all in him. My real mum is mental and i never see or want to speak to her. I really hate her for giving birth to me when she was in such a state that she couldn't look after me. Now i live with my gran who for some reason i was brought up to call her mum and i still do which makes things really complicated when people ask questions. I can't deal with it.


I was in hospital last year with a collapsed lung and after having a drain put in to remove all the trapped air (it failed) i had to be operated on so that it would never occur but i was told it could well happen again to my left side lung. It doesn't help that i suffer from heart palpitations and shortness of breath aswell almost daily.

I've hinted and told my doctor that i think i'm autistic but he just doesn't want to know. Always locking it away and telling me to get out more and do some exercise to help deal with my "depression" and to relax. I can't friggin' relax anywhere because i look stupid when i do try. I fail at everything.

I've got so much more i need to get off my chest but i don't know where to start. I won't be suprised if no one replies to this because there's alot to read but i needed to get it all out somewhere.

Thanks for reading

Last edited by Baz on 02 Jul 2006, 6:20 am, edited 4 times in total.

You´ve already made the best start possible. Humans need to release their emotions, we´re made that way, theres no way around it. Just write, write, and keep on writing here. Even if no one replies, its not that they don´t care, its just that they don´t have anything constructive to say. But, believe me, everyone here is listening and you can be sure that a lot of people are relating.

I think that you always try to be someone else because you want companionship, and if you´re just naturally different, you´ll have to be someone you´re not to fit in. However, if you do make a friend when you put up a front, eventually, you´ll have to discard the front and show your real self to know its a real friendship, and it´ll just fall apart. Then, you´ve wasted all this time and energy making a friend who really isn´t a friend. So I think its just better if you show your true self and make friends that way. I know, I know, believe me I know that it sucks, but recognition of this fact is the first step to making some progress.

No one can change overnight, you have to chip away at things in order to truly change them. This sucks too, but it comes with the territory of being a human (unfortunately). Also, i would suggest that you find a new doctor right away, after all, you´re the patient, and you know when you aren´t receiving the care that you need. Doctors like this are usually lazy, his diagnoses means less work for him, and thats the last kind of person you want to depend on when you are fighting for your life.

For what it's worth, I care that you've had a hard time of it. My parents had big problems too. I used to let the bitterness poison me, but with the years it gets easier to see that they were like lost, confused children. I hope it gets easier for you to deal with too. I agree you should try to find a better doctor as well. I hope you'll post again to let us all know how you're doing.

Thanks lae & jonathan for posting

The thing about my doctor is that i seem to get stuck in his web of him telling me "remember Barry, nobody is perfect" and naive as i am, i always believe him and have to fake a smile and nod or acknowledge him because i never know how to explain my problems properly and argue against him that i am not okay. He seems to me like a nice bloke and doesn't really speak over me or be rude but he doesn't understand how i feel deep inside so i don't know if i should change. I don't want a miserable rude doctor. I forgot to mention that he did refer me to a psycologist and i filled out a form a few days ago and returned it. I'm not sure how long i'm gonna have to wait to get treatment but i think i need it soon because i'm severely depressed (and have been for years, without taking it as seriously as i should) and constantly having suicidal thoughts because of my problems.

Again i thankyou for responding

I just want to say we are all here for ya! Like the person above said, many are reading and relating, but may lack something to say. Much like I do...but I wanted to reply just to let ya know people are in fact reading this!

I hope things get better for you.

Thanks Kc0eks

Hi!

You must be one of the new members who joined during my absence.

I just want to say that I think you have indeed done the right thing, and I commend you for speaking up to your advocate. That was great!

Ah, yes, I would have to say the docs not lazy then, I mean, after all, he can´t fix what he doesn´t know about. Try not to feel timid, as Docs here about these things all the time, so you shouldn´t be embaressed to tell him how you feel. You would NOT be arguing against him. If you are having problems communicating, perhaps you should write out a long letter about how you feel. This way you have time to put down what you really want to say, and really communicate the things you are feeling. Then, all you have to do is hand it to your doc\psychologist, and not have to say a word! Wouldn´t that be much easier? Just handing over a piece of paper instead of having to explain how you feel on the spot? Its really really hard to explain your feelings on the spot, and most times you´ll miss saying some important points.

Yes, true that a miserable rude doc would be worse, but then again, you can always change docs again, if thats possible in your area. If you are in really bad trouble, then perhaps there are wards where you can be admitted for a day or two? These places always have on call psychologists and you would get to see one immediately without having to wait for approval. And, they are always voluntary, so they could not keep you one second longer than you want to stay there. But I would say that you should call first as these assumptions are based on second hand info. I think that they may be free too, but I´m not sure. The wait for your papers to get through may take some time, so please consider what I´ve stated above, but thats all, just consider it.

Keep the updates coming, as the more you say, the more people will be able to give advice as more people are able to relate. Good luck....