Facebook "friends"

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Well, I did it. I finally unfriended a certain small handful of FB "friends" who have steadfastly refused to visit my Wall. Not only that, but they almost never responded to my posts on theirs, even if it was to encourage them during hard times, or congratulate them on something good they'd done.

I'm usually the only one who writes on my Wall anyway, (I almost never get unsolicited posts, just the odd comment on something I've written), but what hurt me most about these particular people is that I used to be their co-worker not so long ago. As a matter of fact, they all work with children/teens on the autism spectrum. They know about my Asperger's - I'd told them, and they acted all understanding. They're the open, accepting, inclusive hippie/punk-rock/anarchist type. And at least two of these "friends" have ADD.

I finally reached my limit when I emailed the one I thought I'd gotten closest to, suggesting we go out for pizza or something (we'd gone out once before, and she'd told me she had fun). She wrote back saying she's love to get together, and even bring along a couple of our mutual FB friends. Well, guess what. I answered her email... waited a week... re-sent it... haven't heard from her since. And I know she has internet access, because she's been posting on FB regularly. So I dumped her and the rest of the crew.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to share this with you guys and know that I'm not alone.

FaceBook reminds me too much of high school at times.

Honestly, I've decided to take nothing personally. If people want to hear from me in that manner, they can ask to be a "friend," and I will keep them on as long as they keep themselves on. If they don't want to hear from me in that manner, they can choose to not be friends and I tell myself not to think too hard about their reasons. Doing anything else, thinking about it all too much, seems ripe for pain. Who the heck needs more pain in their lives? When I can't keep the loose perspective on it, I'll close my account.

People get busy. That does not always mean they've stopped caring about hearing from you, and knowing how things are going with you. It may mean you aren't a top priority - and some people can live with that, some can't. I've decided that since my network is pretty much all parents with children, I need to live with that. Once marriage and kids enter the picture, nothing that isn't immediate and in one's face gets attended to.

Very little that I post gets responded to by anyone. It is kind of funny which ones do get responses; I'm realizing that intrigue and wit have a lot to do with it. Factual sharing doesn't seem to entice people to acknowledgment, but witty nothings seem to (and I'm not talented at witty nothings, so that rather explains the lack of responses, doesn't it?).

The whole thing does continue to intrigue me, however. What draws people to the medium, how they use it, and how they deal with the negative aspects to it.

Only thing is, I'm not a top priority in anyone's life - except for my family, and that's basically a given. I don't enjoy being the 997254879th person in anyone's world, especially when they're a terrific person. That kind of says something about me, right? I actually did deactivate my account for a few months, then re-activated it and no one even noticed I was gone.

Don't worry, all my posts won't be nearly this gloomy

Outside of my family, I'm not anyone's top priority, either. And I've concluded over time that even though that choice was subconscious, it was still my choice. Top priority relationships are a two way street, and they take a lot of work. You have to open yourself up on ways that you may not be comfortable with, so that someone feels super "connected" to you. For many social butterfly NT's that process happens naturally; for me, even though I don't particularly consider myself to be AS (albeit clearly have some AS traits), it has never been. I don't know what connects people outside of my family; and I'm not sure anyone else does, either. They just "feel" it.

But, you know, by acting with integrity in life on a consistent basis, and staying involved in the world, you can develop a large circle of people who really care about you, even if you aren't their best party mate. When my father died, my mother - not all that social herself - was really stunned by the level of support she received. Her whole world of acquaintances was suddenly ready and able to make her their number 1 priority, something they really had never done before. It didn't last all that long, but it lasted long enough to fill the need. For some of us, that is the type of social network we build; a little distant, but it's still there, and it will move in closer if they ever see you really needing it to, and being open to it.

By not expecting too much from my acquaintances, but taking a little time to stay connected in some way, they last. Some grow more distant and fade off; others get stronger as time moves on and situations change. I just let the people be, in whatever way they are comfortable being, and it seems to work OK. I'm not popular, I'm not a reject; I'm just "there." Sure, there have been plenty of times I've wished it were different, but I don't know how to "do" different, so life is much happier just accepting that I must want it this way. I go to reuinions and they all seem to remember me, lots of hugs all around, happy to see me. But we won't stay directly in touch before or after.

You aren't being gloomy; it sounds like you are just tyring to figure out what and who you are as far as social connections go. We all go through that.