"...cuz' you never leave me alone..."

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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwGrJ1iMj08[/youtube]

Oh. I snapped a few weeks ago. Broken. Broke brink brank brunk. Broktapactaed.

I am tired of people. I am tired of the demands that people place on me. I told them it was too much for me. They did not listen. In the past month I have been called a lot of not so nice things by people who I feel as though i do a lot for. The things I do for these people take it right out of me and instead of being thanked I get ignored. I kept saying I was running out of reserve to draw from and everyone kept telling me how great I was doing. Why is is that when people say I seem to be doing the best I feel the worst? I think what they mean to say is that when I am doing my best it really means that they are happy because I am doing so much for them. When I give a little people take more and more. I have nothing left to give. I am tired of people. I am tired of them in my face. I am tired of their problems becoming my problems. I am tired of their inability to plan messing my world up. Bye bye. They can all go away now. Shoo. Shoo.

I have always said I was a misanthropic philanthropist. I feel good when I do for others and feel like crap when I do not. But when I help people it takes too much out of me. I cannot tolerate being around people too much. It is a sick, self defeating cycle. I must be a masochist.

I am not okay. I do not know how to explain it. I am tired of slapping on a mask for the benefit of others and continually not have the mask be good enough to pass for human. I like to say that I do not pretend and that I am who I am. Really, i am just a sum of what I do. I do not think under it all that there is a person, just a series of actions... that I do not even approve of anymore. I do not know why I bother for these people... so they can what, tell me it's not enough? Tell me since I seem okay that I can do more? How does the song go? "No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do". I am tired. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of being ignored. I am tired of being expected to do more than I can handle and expected to just bend over and take it because some people are worse off than me so I have no right to say a damn thing about it ever. And god help me if i do speak up. I have issues then, buddy. Boy am I a crazy, horrible person. You know what? f**k that. I don't think it's me. I think I happen to be around a bunch of selfish asshats who cannot see beyond their own selfish wants and who do not care if I get screwed over in the quest to get their needs met. They can stop calling me crazy because I have the nerve to call them on their crap. So since I seem to be on silent mode in real life lately, perhaps this can help give me voice...

Hey mom... go to hell you crazy, drunk, b***h. No, they do not make a pill to fix my autism. No I will not be able to go find a doc who can give me some magic combo of pills that can make me into some socialite who thinks expensive shoes and dinners at four star restaurants is the end all, be all of life. I will never be what you think I should be and that is not my problem if you think that kind of BS plastic life is what I should strive for you selfish, materialistic, shallow off the wagon, lying horrible person. Oh I am sooooooo sorry if my mantle is not properly dusted and that makes me a failure as a parent. At least I'm not strung out on cocaine, drowning in a puddle of my own vomit and at home when my kids wake up in the morning and need a ride to school. If that's your biggest gripe about me... that I don't like to spend money, go out, and dust, then I am already doing a billion times better than you ever did by me. Thanks for doing nothing more for me than teach me what I do not want to be when I grow up.

Hey lil miss thang... sorry if I grossed you out when I was five pounds lighter and sorry that I am suddenly a fatass now that I put those five pounds on. Never mind the fact that my doc still wants me to gain five pounds... that does not matter. You need to call me fat to feel better about your own weight, you go right on with it. Call me some more names. Call me a freeloader because I needed a loan for a car and could not afford one. Sorry if I am not some old stripper making money half naked on a pole selling myself in 'dirty girl' rooms in the back so I can be some kind of little miss independent and again, buy stuff I don't need to fill the spaces in my life with objects so I can not have to worry about being a human only worry about accumulating crap I do not need but that I think I need because some television set says that I do in order to have any kind of worth in this society.

Hey mister... thanks for not listening to me when I told you that I could not handle all you threw on me. Thanks for not asking me if I was okay with driving you to work, picking you up for lunch, dropping you off from lunch, picking you up from work, driving you to school three days and week while sitting in the parking lot for up to five hours because I cannot afford the gas to come home and come back. Thanks for just telling me that is what I need to do now. I told you I could not handle it, you said you would fix it and you still have not and I still cannot handle it but I have no say in it. I had to drop one class already and I cannot keep up with the house now, the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, my homework, my garden died... I do not remember the last time I had an hour to talk to one of my kids. I might be able to better deal with it if when I told you I was freaking out of you would stop playing on your iphone long enough to listen to me. Go to hell. And give me back my four hundred dollars.

Hey chicky pooh who says I am one of your closest friends... don't come over anymore, ask me how I am and then whine about your life for another seven hours before passing out on my couch leaving me to take care of your two kids because you do not want to. Never mind the fact that you say you are such a great mom who always takes care of your kids, even though you moved them out of a stable home and into the house of your tether wearing alcoholic, pot smoking dips**t boyfriend... and now you wonder where things went wrong... and no, you cannot move into my house. So stop trying to get in my door and pass out on my couch like I will not notice your useless, noncontributing ass in my space. Go home. You do not live here and no one wants you here. I tried helping you years ago and all you did was eat my food, sleep on my couch and when I went in for surgery and no one was here to tend to your kids and my family needed you the most what did you do you selfish b***h? You left. Go to hell. And sober up and wake up. In case you did not notice, your kids need a mom. You are not the only person in your world. I hate people like you. Where the hell you got the idea that I am your friend is beyond me. I do not even like you.

Hey ex... if you tell my kids one more time that I am not autistic because I am not ret*d I will shove my fist down your throat and rip your vocal chords out to shut you up. If you tell my kids one more time that my husband is a waste of space because he is not working multiple jobs and has the nerve to instead go to school to make a better life for himself I will run you over with my car. Stop calling my parents and telling them I am crazy because I got mad at you for taking the kids while I was at school and not having them leave me a note. Yeah, I flipped out when I came home at 9pm to an empty house. What was I supposed to do when I came home to no kids? I thought something bad happened. I freaked out. Then you have the nerve to get sh***y with me and say I am denying you parental rights? All I asked for was that next time you leave me a note. Stop bad mouthing me to my kids. You don't hear me telling them how I left you because you thought it was okay to pick me up by my neck and drag me down hallways when I had the nerve to speak to one of your friends, now do you? No. Shut up.

And these are the people who say I have issues. I'd be fine if it was not for them. You know what pharmaceutical companies need to make? A pill to fix everyone else. Call it 'shutamouth' or something. Some little pill you can slip into the mouths of others when they do not know how to behave. It can come in multiple strength... yippie dog strength for annoying dogs or when you just need to take the edge off a person to make them acceptable. Then there can be annoying coworker strength that is mostly bad side effects, like diarrhea so that the person is home bound. Then there can be obnoxious mother strength because with some people the only way to deal with them is when they are unconscious. Sigh.

Yeah. I'm in a mood today. I am hoping that this will pass, but it's been a few weeks and I'm not better yet. But on the bright side, my therapist lady can get me in on the 20th. If I cannot drug everyone else, maybe they can at least sedate me enough to not be upset. My heart rate has been too high for too long. This cannot be good. Oh and another upside, I have found that walking with arm and leg weights gets me calm for about ten minutes after i get home. I walk a lot now. By the end of this I'll be really buff... like hulk mode dossa. As long as I can remember to not throw tables, it'll be all good.

Sorry this was so long. Just trying to vent. I'm clearly not coping well at the moment. If you read any of this thank you.