HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME

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Mom wants to do some work on the house. She had not precisely defined her goals to me, so naturally I asked for clarification. I'm reminded of a scene in Kingdom Hearts where (in the original Japanese) Sora and Riku are talking to each other, but having essentially two different conversations (Sora is saying all sorts of stuff that's ambiguous in Japanese, and could be saying how glad he is to see Riku or could be essentially saying he doesn't care about Riku anymore).

So I asked whether she meant to paint the whole house.

And she said that she wanted to paint the whole house, inside and out.

So I asked how she was planning to move the heavy bookcases that block access to several walls.

She said she didn't plan to.

So I asked if she planned to become two-dimensional in order to stand behind them.

She said she didn't have the energy to figure out what to do, and that if she didn't know I'm an Aspie she'd be offended by my questions.

It turns out that to her "the whole house, inside and out" means "the parts we can reach easily" and that, further, this is really really obvious to most NTs. Such a qualifier is really not obvious and it would be nice if people stopped assuming that Aspies are going to assume they mean something radically different from what they're saying. I'm going to assume you mean what you say. When what you say is that you mean to tear the house apart to reach every surface, I'm going to feel quite justified in being upset, and quite offended when you accuse me of overdramatizing and looking for negatives in what you say when you've said no such things.

Guidelines for anyone talking to me:
1. Don't say something that makes literal sense but isn't literally true. I'm pretty good at grasping non-literality in remarks like "oh, we just had an orgy [in the sixty seconds you've been gone, without disturbing our clothes or the room]" but...
2. Especially don't say anything that makes literal sense, is relevant, would be a perfectly reasonable thing to say in the situation and isn't literally true.
3. Don't ever imply a qualifier. I will either assume you forgot it-- and correct you-- or assume you mean what you say.
4. If my response does not make sense in context, assume I'm responding to a different context from the one you thought I was. Attempt to figure out what context that is. If I say what you just said, pretend you're an alien from Mars with only the literal words. Pretend you're Amelia Bedelia. Interpret it in the way that only a robot with no common sense ever would. Then ask if that's what I think you mean.
5. Don't just say I'm wrong and shouldn't worry. Imagine someone told you "I'm going to bomb your house" and, when you got angry, simply told you not to worry, you were misinterpreting.

I hate when people say something that could easily be interpreted literally, and blame your Asperger's when you take them seriously. Then they think you're being sarcastic when you respond as if they were serious. If someone said they were going to paint the whole house, inside and out, I assume they are going to completely paint every wall, not just what they can reach. It is then a perfectly reasonable question to ask how they plan to move heavy furniture out of the way. It is not taking "everything" extremely literally, but seriously, just say what you mean. Good luck with your house painting.

I would have been confused too. I find myself asking "what do you mean?" I mean why would they want to paint everything inside and everything outside?

I just gave up on society, this has gotten me into trubble
every time.

I have been told that I followed directions
"wtith a disturbing degree of accuracy"

telling people how to communicate with you is going to bare forced communication and that is the worst form. Communication should be natural.

Communication should be natural but isn't for the most of us...at least not always in your average joe way.

"for the most of us", well then be unique and learn the art of natural communication. Just go out and study people. The internet isn't going to help you much in mastering the skill of communication.

I probably didn't put it in the best of words. It doesn't come natural for some of us. It isn't just about a learning process it's something that automatically applies to those for whom it comes natural.

That would have also confused me.

I am in the process of painting my entire house inside and out so this topic resonates with me a little differently. I am a believer in painting behind everything that isn't actually bolted to the wall. So when I read the question "how is she planning to move the bookcases that block access to several walls?" I thought of the solution to that problem, rather than various ways to interpret the conversation.

Like everybody who likes to read, I encountered the exact same problem. Here is the solution:

1)Remove all the books

2) Hardwood floor: Tip the bookcase just enough that a towel can be slid under a corner. If the two of you can't do this, find a third person to help. An inch or two of tipping should be enough. Repeat until towels are under all corners. Now that it is on towels, it will slide across the hardwood floor. Slide the bookcase(s) into the middle of the floor and cover with a plastic dropcloth.

Carpeted floor: use plastic furniture sliders instead of towels. These are available at hardware and home goods stores.

Thanks, Janissy!

I'm 50 and still end up talking at crossed purposes with people simply because they say something which I take literally that they didn't mean to be taken that way. Like the OP, sometimes it is obvious depending on how "outrageous" someone's remark is, but not always so.

One thing that annoys the hell out of me is when people start a conversation and just refer to "he" or "she" or "it" and I'm supposed to guess who or what the topic of the conversation is about.

Maybe, but I doubt that. I have seen cases where people have not painted behind a toilet or something that actually *cannot* be moved, and I have seen where people have painted over outlets and switches without first removing their covers. However, I think I have only once seen where someone had not bothered to move a piece of furniture so a wall could be painted fully.


Same here, and my wife does that all the time! Her (my wife's) parents used to only ever refer to each other as "he" and "she", and now my wife tends to do that in reference just about anybody ... and that does not change with her (my wife) no matter how often I interrupt her (my wife) to ask, "He who?" or "She who?"! !

The previous owner of my house painted right over the light switch and socket covers and also painted around picture frames!! !! !! ! I wish that anybody who is too lazy to do those things when painting would just take the laziness to its logical conclusion and not paint at all. It would have been easier to paint over simply old paint than to have to use heavy primer to cover multiple random squares in equally random colors. I also had to replace all the switch and socket covers. Grrrr!! !