Feeling down again. :(

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Warning: I'm emotional, a lot of the things I'm posting may not make sense. Please don't attack me. I've had enough users here flame me when I'm only looking for help. I don't need people to be cynical to me now. If you're going to be a jerk, just click the back button and leave me alone.

Sometimes i cry myself to sleep because of how i look. I'm so fat and and ugly. The people i hang around are drop dead gorgeous and I'm like the the ugly fat pig. I'm perpetually single and my friends complain about how to many guys like them. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror or when I'm in the shower, I'll either gag or cry a little. People say that I should focus on the good things about me but it's hard when there isn't a positive physical feature on me. I feel like I've wasted my entire youth by being fat because of the f*****g pills I've been prescribed.

I am not looking for weight-loss advice. I get enough people PMing me telling me their little secret.

I'm also stressed because of the senior comprehensive exams that are on Friday. I have to answer 4 essay questions that cover any and every class in my major I have taken since my freshman year. If I miss a question, I fail and won't graduate. If I don't graduate, I'll be a complete failure and have to live with my family the rest of my life which will ensure that I'll never find anyone. There aren't any single guys back home that aren't bigots of some kind. That's why I wanted to meet someone in college but it turns out the guys here hate fat girls. What a f*****g surprise.

I know, a lot of you are going to say, "You're so young! You have a long life ahead of you..." No, I don't. As far as I'm concerned, my life is over once I graduate from college in spring because I'll be forced into the monotony of working every day of my life to pay off my debts. No fun for me!

Also, I know that some of you have complimented my appearance in the past and I appreciate it but it seems like it's for naught since no one in real life thinks I'm beautiful or even "okay." I know someone's going to get mad at me for posting this stuff. Someone always does. They're like, "Oh God Erisad, STFU, no one likes you. We're tired of your self-pitying BS!" I'm sorry. I can't gain self-esteem overnight. It's something I'm always struggling with.

Well, I usually try to give "fixing" advice when I read posts like this, but I can see you don't want that.

I do, however, offer my sympathy and hope you get through this. I understand being stressed out over exams too and worrying about failing. I've been there, a lot.

Take care. PM me if you ever want to talk about anything.

If it helps I also cry myself to sleep every now and then, mostly because self-steem issues and Im not in a bad shape, plus a lot of users here have already mentioned you are cute after you posted a picture, you just have to find someone who can appreciate that cuteness.

My friends started doubting about my sexual orientation a few months ago because I havent had a relationship in years(Im usually afraid of rejection so I dont ask a girl out and the only girl that made the first move had similar issues and the relationship didnt last enough to be introduced to my friends).


If there isnt a positive physical feature on you maybe you should try to look elsewhere. I know most guys nowadays are vert shallow and focus on looks however there are a few of us out there that are trying to find someone with similar interests and so. If Im not mistaken you like anime, where I live this is a mostly-male interest and plenty of guys are complaining about how their past grilfriends tried to change their habits(the boyfriend of one of my sisters for example hided from my sister that he watched naruto for months just so she wouldnt start thinking he is a geek).



You seem to be a very smart girl, Im sure you can do just fine and you can move out soon and maybe you will find a partner then(plenty of guys nowadays are looking for independent woman because they are tired of having to take care of their partner like they were their parents instead of a partner and moving out usually helps cutting ties from your parents).


Good luck with the exam.

You can read my presentation, I'm new.
I felt like you do many times. I found myself ugly (and too much thin)...
Don't be afraid about examination. You're 21 and now you can't understand the advantage you have... you're young.
It will be only a little battle in the war. If you loose, it's not the end. Life always gives you other chances.
When my son was diagnosed I felt like it was the end, but it isn't...

"Cute" is not what guys want. "Cute" is for children and puppies, not for adult women. They want the sexy vixen, which is something I just can't deliver without surgery.

Yeah but in our college anime club there are lots of hotter girls there so I'm overlooked once again. I don't attend our anime club anymore because something about being in a dark room with everyone huddled close together around a table, with lots of desperate/creepy guys just makes me uneasy. Not that they'd do anything to me, I just don't want to bear witness to anything they might do to someone else.

I won't be able to move out until I get my license and a car. I keep asking mom to teach me but she always has some excuse. Then I tell her to enroll me into driving school because it's not fair that I had to wait this long when they were forcing my brother to drive ASAP. She says, "Sure, I'll save up some money for driving school." She always "forgets." It's not super expensive either, she just wants me to be dependent on her forever. She's afraid I'll abandon her. Sorry, she should have thought of that before acting like a selfish b***h. Besides, my brother will never move out because he loves being babied by mom and grandma so they'll have him. They all hate my anyway ever since I told them that I lost faith in God. I don't know why they want to keep me around. Maybe they're afraid that I'll do something horrible and they won't be there to stop me.

@Claudia - Presentation?
Trust me, I wish I was too thin. At least then clothes would cost less and I'd be closer to obtaining the body that men want. How will being young help my exams? I'm confused by your post, overall. Sorry. >.<

@conundrum - Thanks.

Hello Erisad,

I don't know you personally but I sympathize with you. Cried myself to sleep many times in my life. I'm 45 now and there's sometimes I still do, despite being happily married for 21 years.

I met my wife through a medieval re-enactment group. It was a largely male populated group, much like your anime club. My wife does not have nor has she ever had the desirable female figure. But I don't care. I love her for who she is, not how she looks. I'm fat and balding now, but that wasn't the case when we first met. My wife still loves me. And she loves me in spite of my AS traits.

You will find someone. It may not be right now but don't despair. Stay away from the bars and nightclub scenes...too many facile people there. It seems like us AS types do better at the more "geeky" types of venues.

I'm in my college's medieval reenactment group but it doesn't seem to do me any good there either. All the other girls there are so much more attractive physically and personality-wise than I am. They are of higher quality. Why reach for the bargain bin girl when you have access to top-of-the-line quality women?

Ok I remember those types in my group too. Those women could be choosy, they had lots of fellows vying for attention. They never chose me. Why settle for a run-of-the-mill dork like me when Prince Charming was making goo-goo eyes at you? ( Noting the similarity?)

So now we have a run-of-the mill-dork and a bargain bin girl...what say we put them together, shall we? It worked for me 25 years ago! That bargain bin girl has been my wife for 21 years and has given me two wonderful sons, one of which has AS. I love her dearly.

Start looking for that run-of-the-mill dork and you'll be just fine!

Erisa, it seems that the real problem here isn't really your body, but YOUR PERCEPTION of your body. In other words, you have extreme body image issues. One thing I should tell you is YOU ARE NOT ALONE, many many young women have issues with how they perceive themselves physically. It's a result of the highly unrealistic body images pushed on women by pop culture. Virtually every woman you see on TV is a size 0-2, despite the fact that the average woman in the real world will NEVER be a size 2. You didn't ask for "fixing" advice, but I will say this: you don't need diet pills, you need psychotherapy. You need to work through your issues with a trained professional, not some random people on an internet forum.

You just made a generalization there that doesnt apply to a high number of males. Theres a high number of males that have had trust problems with sexy vixens and are now looking for a more average girl(sometimes even below average after having peoblems with average girls) that wont cause all that trouble. And as it has been mentioned by plenty of male users here the definition of what sexy is depends on who you are talking to. If a recall correctly there was a thread about liking girls with big thights for example and you just have to find a guy that likes them.


A clear example of this would be the sister I mentioned before, everytime one of my friends see her at my house I have to ask them to please stop staring at them and this has happened since I was 12(sometimes strangers start talking to me about how hot she is, apparently that isnt creepy anymore) her last relationship was with a guy that would get jelous almost everytime she talked to another male so she looked for something different(a computer geek thats into anime and is described as overweight by some of my family menbers).




I didnt say you will meet him at an anime club, there are plenty of guys that are into anime and do everyday activities. ,My sister met her boyfriend at a sports club(he was alone and she needed someone to play doubles with), they started talking and they´ve been together for months.




If she always "forgets" and its not super expènsive either maybe you could get a job and try to save some money, just to show her you can do things by yourself(I have done this with a few things and my parents usually go from being over protective to being somewhat proud of me and help me do further related things).




Maybe you should start looking for something thats related to religion taht you like and tell them about how awesome whatever aspect you´ve found is(I know it can be though but it would probably improve your relationship with your parents), its not about pretending to be something you are not, its about finding a common interest and trying to build a bridge from there.

Last edited by spongy on 19 Oct 2010, 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

genedig65 - Sadly, the run-of-the-mill dorks I know ignore me too. The only attention I get is when the creeper gets drunk or from guys online that I have no hope of meeting due to distance. Girls hit on me a lot. It's really annoying. They act all disappointed when I tell them I'm straight. If I was bi, I wouldn't be alone right now, that much is for certain. Sadly, I'm only attracted to men. If only it were mutual. :/

pezar - I'm not aiming to be a size 2. A size 10 or 12 would be nice so I wouldn't have to shop in the plus size departments anymore that only sell clothes for grandmas. How can I attract a guy when all I have are baggy t-shirts and bulky sweaters? The nicer looking plus size clothes are expensive as hell. Sure, there's extra fabric but adding an extra 10-15 dollars just to go up a size is ridiculous. I know that I'm not alone but I don't see how that would help me. When I see a hot girl complaining about her body, I feel insulted. It's like, "if you're fat, then what does that make me?"

What? f**k "professionals." They don't give a s**t about their patients at all. They want to keep them unwell so they keep coming back and giving them money. It's how they get paid. The longer it takes, the more profitable it is for them. I have been with counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists all throughout my public school days. They didn't do a damn thing. All that money, wasted. :/

spongy- I remember that thread was mostly just two or three guys going back and forth. Not really a sizable sample.

It's kind of hard to get a job if you can't drive to get there. I'm tired of having to rely on my mother to drive me. It's embarrassing. Luckily, I look like I'm 16 so I don't get that many odd looks but I feel ashamed. There isn't a public transportation system nearby either so I'm stuck.

Um...why did you copy and paste the first half of your reply here? I'm confused. >.<

I hate organized religion. Hate hate hate. It's one of the reason my family's as f****d up as it is. If Christianity didn't reinforce that girls had to be virgins before marriage, I wouldn't be as pissed off at my family right about now. Mom tells me that if she finds out that I lose my virginity (she will, she finds out everything) that I'll get kicked out of the house with no financial support and I'm on my own. That's why my previous relationship ended. I wasn't allowed to put out for him so he found someone who did. That being said, there's nothing about religion I like. At all. God abandoned me years ago and I'm tired of waiting for the old coot to give a s**t. According to their faith, he would be the one who made me this way so it would be his fault that I'm unattractive. Luckily, I know that genetics is the reason I look the way I do.

I'm the first girl in my family on her way to a Bachelor's Degree. My mom just got an Associate's Degree and the rest either dropped out of high school or started a family immediately after graduating high school. I can't talk to them about anything related to religion and politics. Mom loves to blame everything Obama does on me because I voted for him. "Good job. You voted this man into the White House, are you happy now?!" Goddammit. She's so frustrating. She's all sweet in front of company but when we're alone she doesn't give two s**ts about me, just like my father. To be honest, if I could live in my college town and never see my family again, I'd be happy. I'm not like them. They hate me, they don't want me and I can't wait to be out of their hair forever.

My university is hosting a "Love Your Body Day" tomorrow. They do all this positive self-image stuff that varies from year to year. I remember when I went as a freshman and they only painted my fingernails. It didn't really do much. They have a chocolate fondue fountain with strawberries and other stuff to dip in there and that's the last thing I need. I could just eat the strawberries but I would feel like I'm being rude to the woman who will be on that station if I don't take the chocolate too. My friend wants me to go with her but I'm not so sure if I can. I'm sure I'll meltdown there and embarrass my friend and myself. Not to mention I can't stay for the entire day anyway. I can only go for the first two hours because I have class the rest of the day. I have a feeling it will be ineffectual for me. The other girls say that it made them feel better about themselves but they were complaining about their bodies again by next week. I hate these events that try to boost self-esteem but always fail. Don't get my hopes up if you can't deliver. Unless you're giving away free liposuction surgery than it won't help anyone. :/

Erisad, first off, I'm very sorry if this offends you. I used to be in a similar spot as you are in. i used to despise myself and somedays I still do. Ever since I was a little kid I've been taking meds that caused rapid weight gain. Somehow I ended up weighing 229 pounds. I saw my doctor and she said I needed to go back to 150. Instead of moping(not saying you are), I'm doing something about it. I'm cutting out alot from my diet. I've switched from dessert to the Yoplait yogurts that taste something like dessert, soda to water, chips to fruits and vegetables, I am going to exercise.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident, I'm just concerned about my health.

Somedays I feel like a worthless piece of crap. Somedays I feel untouchable. You ARE going to go through with phases like this. It's called not being a fake. Fake girls are the ones who are all. "Me so pretty, boiz lyk meeezz" all the time.

Take it or leave it, you go through what EVERY woman goes through.

Yup. It was meds that caused my initial rapid weight gain. I was put on Ritalin when I was three until they switched me to Adderall and added an anti depressant along with it. So yeah, I'm roughly 240 pounds at 5'4" (I haven't weighed myself since I left for school in August). I have no curves, only fat. I really started dieting and exercising back in July and saw progress. I feel that I have lost progress since I've come back to school even though I'm still exercising and walking all over creation to get to my classes and activities. The food here is terrible. I eat really small portions because of how bad all the food is for me. The salads and vegetables taste like pestacide. I try to eat as best as I can but I feel it's going to be in vain. Unless you were skinny before going to college, you're going to become fat. There's no question about that. I gained 60 pounds in three years of college as a combo of crappy food, stress, anti-depressants, and not exercising enough. I'm trying to fix that now but it's sooo hard. I can't enjoy any of the tasty foods all my hot friends can without getting a dirty look from someone that says "Oh, you're eating that? Oookaaaay." I can't enjoy food anymore. If I didn't get massive headaches when I'm hungry, I wouldn't eat at all. I could live off of my body fat alone for two months. >.<

It sucks. Why couldn't my fat be placed in a more attractive place. If I split my stomach fat between my boobs and ass, I'd actually look good but no, I look like a shapeless blob. :/

Just find your happy place and your life will begin to fall into place.

Seriously, I always suffered with depression. Then I met a girl while I was just trying to get by and ignore how awful my life was. Then she cheated on me and I said f**k it I have more important things to do, like work on my car, then I met another girl and was only half-assed happy cause I still didn't have money. Then I started hanging out with Zack and listening to "Toes" by Zac Brown Band and now all I need to do to lift myself up a little bit is listen to that song. After being happy with that for like 2 months I've bringing in buttloads of money scraping metal 6+ hours a day, building my car up again and I couldn't be happier. Except with even more money.

I'm in my happy place now. Granted, I had a few drinks so that may be the reason why.

I do wish I was able to relax without alcohol. I'm tense the rest of the time unless I'm sleeping. This post came from after I was alone in the room and I started asking questions into the Google search engine. It started off with something silly and then I asked questions like, "why do guys cheat?" "why am I always single?" and stuff like that. I did this for about 2 hours and I was a complete wreck. I noticed I had to go to bed soon but I was worked up so I made this post in an attempt to vent some of it out so I could sleep. >.<