One of my few sources of happiness in the week is Thursday night pub trivia. Been doing this for a year and a half now, with this particular group of people (from a couple towns over) for just under a year now. Slowly I find myself being more and more accepted by my teammates, but I still have a lot of anxiety and fear about being accepted vs. being used for my brilliance and little else.
Much of the team had broken up the last few weeks. One girl got a job in Boston on second shift, unable to make it. Another one got a new job, had to work the last few Thursdays. A third has a night class. A fourth moved to Boston a few months ago and hasn't been seen around here since.
Two weeks in a row, I was by myself against the rest of the room. First week I won, second week I came in third. Last Thursday, I had one other gal show up - someone who has been appearing only within the last few months and off and on. So just the two of us as a team, ended up talking quite a bit. She was interested in knowing things about me, and I was really enjoying having a conversation.
The entire week, I had been thinking about this gal and wondering what any of it all meant. Just was hoping to see her again, have more conversation, find out more about her and determine if she had any thoughts towards me. I got way too carried away in my mind, thinking this pretty gal might have some interest in me.
Last night: two of the teammates came back. One decided to take her laptop to the pub and watch her class while playing. Another girl now has Thursdays off. These two ended up talking 90% of the time, and this leads me back to being silent and pissed off for not being able to talk to the other gal. My anxiety levels went up to an 11.
After the trivia, we headed a couple towns over to some karaoke event where a friend of everyone's was hosting. For nearly two hours I'm there, and sitting next to this girl. We're both tired and exhausted. I can barely get myself to say anything to her, she doesn't say much when I do. And I can barely hear myself due to the loud music, much less the person a few feet away.
I ended up going home early, very tired, and miserable. I feel miserable, and have now for the last 16 hours. I believe I've made a mountain out of a molehill in my mind, and deserve this crash back to reality. I don't think any of these girls know I'm an aspie either, so they must be wondering what in the world is wrong with me. I can be ok just around one other person, in group settings I'm screwed. And if I'm around some gal just me and her, my mind goes off to the races only to crash into the rails.
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08 Oct 2010, 9:43 am
