Best friend rejected me

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Here's what I originally wrote about my situation with this girl.

"Here's the situation: I have a huge crush on my best friend that is a girl. We're both aspies and we really get along well. We are always spending time together and doing everything together. We're so close that everyone that we know thinks we're going out or somethings going on with us. Everyone asks about us and assumes that there's something when there really isn't yet. Both of us know about this and kind of just push it aside and don't really discuss it that much. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship before. She doesn't know that I like her that way, but we've talked a few times about relationships and she said that she really doesn't want a boyfriend yet because she isn't ready for one and she seems to see me only as a really good friend. I recently told a mutual friend about how I felt, and she thinks that we'll end up together, and I should tell her how I feel. But, I'm pretty sure she only see's me as a friend. And if I tell her, I'm afraid she's want to distance herself from me and it will ruin our friendship, which means so much to me. But, I can't keep this from her anymore, it's really driving me crazy. We spend so much time together, that it's impossible for me to get over her, and telling her is very risky and not likely to work out. If I found someone else I could probably get over her. But the problem is that I won't be interested in someone else until I get over her, and I can't get over her until I find someone else."

I just recently told her how I felt and she started telling me how she wasn't ready for a boyfriend and we shouldn't date in our group of friends and we should stay friends. We kept on talking and than she started mentioning a dating site she might want to try. So I put 2 and 2 together and said why would you be talking about a dating site if you didn't want a boyfriend? So than I asked her to tell me the truth. Do you not a relationship, or do you just not want a relationship with me? She said she just didn't feel like we had that kind of chemistry. She started to mention a guy she did like which happened to be one of the coolest guys at our school that she wouldn't have a shot in the world to go out with. So, I'm really hurt right now. She took away any hope that our friendship could become anything more. I think we would have been perfect together, our friends think we'd be perfect together, our families...etc. The only person who doesn't feel that way is her. She would rather go out with Mr. Perfect, than Mr. Perfect for her. I'm not going to pressure her to change her mind, and I want to still be best friends with her. But right now I feel like she really broke my heart. All because there wasn't chemistry. I wasn't trying to create chemistry with her, because this whole time I was under the impression that she wasn't ready for that kind of relationship, and that maybe something could happen in the future. But now I lost all that hope, and I'm in a very lonely and sad place.

I'm sorry to hear that. ((((((Hugs))))))

I've been in a similar situation. Hopefully you can remain friends.

She was wrong to lie to you like that, though.

She told you she did not want a relationship. You did not respect that. If someone does not want a relationship with you and you start to develop feelings for them, and they don't reciprocate this, you have an obligation to distance yourself, and you did not do that.

So you pushed the matter even though you knew before hand what the answer was and she told you pretty much what you thought she would and now you are upset? She was honest about her feelings. Would you rather she have lied to you and just pretended to like you when she really didn't? Kind of like you pretended to be her friend when you really weren't? Relationships should not be based on deceit.



So it's all her fault right? SHE was the one who ruined everything, right? If SHE would just give you a chance she'd eventually see things your way and you would both live happily ever after right? If you didn't detect it, there was a lot of sarcasm there.

1. It's not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong, and she can't help if she doesn't have feelings for you.

2. If you have the perspective that someone just needs to give you a chance for you to show them that they actually are attracted you, well this is so completely wrong on so many levels, and shows such a self centered perspective of the world and lack of capacity of others, that if you keep clinging to this notion, you will have a very difficult time with relationships in life. But don't worry, that a person just needs to give you a chance is a misconception held by many young NT's too. Now that I've made you aware of it, you can work to purge yourself of it.

3. She doesn't see that happy life together like you do, because it doesn't exist, and you can't force it to exist. You cannot force attraction or mutual compatibility. In relationships that are forced, one person is inevitably unhappy because they remain fundamentally unfullfilled. The person the other individual wants to exist does not materialize because they never existed to begin with and that person, along with the prosperous relationship the other person envisioned, was only a figment of the imagination. The unfullfilled party in the relationship suffers. The existing, non-ideal relationship eventually falls apart and resentments and hostilities grow between the individuals even if they remain together. In the end, no one is happy.




And she is the only one who's opinion matters in this. No one else has any right to tell her who she would be perfect with. Not you, not anyone else. In fact, sometimes she isn't even right in saying who she would be perfect with. For example, you insist you would be perfect with her, but you are apparently wrong. So in reality, we only have a right to say who we would be imperfect with.



Again, you have no right to declare yourself perfect for her.

If you did not realize how you just sounded, let me tell you.
1. Massively immature.
2. Hostile and resentful towards her.
3. And certainly not ready for a relationship.

Again, I would like to express that this is also very common among NT's, so don't think you are doomed to be plagued by such misconceptions just because you have AS.

The one commendable thing you did here was tell a girl you liked her. Unfortunately you told her at the wrong time, and when it was really quite obvious to even you that thing would not turn out how you want.

In the future, if you like a girl (and there will be more girls), make that clear to her rather early in the friendship. If she expresses she isn't interested in you, and you cannot let go of those romantic feelings for her, back off. It's just as important to know when friendships won't work as it is to know when romantic relationships won't work.

Chronos- I put this in the Haven because I'm down and need some support. Not to be criticized. I'm 19 and have Asperger's obviously I'm not going to be an expert in these kind of things. FYI I stopped reading after the first paragraph, because I don't really care about what you have to say.

I did not criticize you.

I know you are not an expert, which is why I shared with you the knowledge I have accumulated. If I were your enemy or wished such horrible things to keep happening to you, I would have not shared such knowledge with you. I would have let you continue to harbor such socially inhibitive misconceptions.

In light of the fact that I provided you with the knowledge you need to better navigate relationships, I'm not sure what you mean by "support" and I do not see the logic in ignoring advice when you illustrated a need for it. That will just cause you to repeat the situation.

Shouldn't her opinion be more important than that of family and friends?

I'm sorry I'm just a little off today. You took your time to look at my problem and try to help me and I appreciate it and I would like to explain some things...

I did try to find someone else to forget about her once she told me this. It worked too, I completely forgot about her and we were just friends. However, the girl I was going out with was too busy and I was too busy. So, we decided to stop going out because we would simply never have time to see each other. The only way we were seeing each other was by visiting each others jobs. So, I continued being friends with the girl i liked, and we we're both doing a lot of things together on campus and had all the same friends. So obviously it didn't make much sense to distance myself from her. The problem was that once this semester started, we began seeing each other a lot, and the feelings started coming back and getting much stronger.



I already knew what she was going to say and was not surprised. I just had hope that someday we can take our friendship to the next level when she does feel ready for that kind of commitment, and losing that is what is making me sad. I certainly was not ever pretending to be her friend. She is still my best friend. We hung out all last night, and we're doing a lot of stuff together next week. We're both involved in the same stuff at school and we really get along and have a lot in common. I have no intentions of stopping our friendship. In fact, getting this off my chest and telling her the truth seems to have made our friendship stronger.

I'm not saying any of this is her fault, and I'm in no way trying to say that she should be obligated to go out with me, based on what other people say. In fact, I told her straight up "Don't let anyone pressure you into doing this, I'm only going out with you if that's what you want to do". I just wish she didn't feel that way and don't understand why she is only interested in someone way out of her league when I'm right here. I'm trying to accept it, and it's really difficult because I do really care about her.

I did not want to initially say this because I did not want to give you false hope.I think that the best thing for you to do right now would be to keep yourself open to pursuing other girls. However you have not yet destroyed the potential of having a romantic relationship with her someday in the distance future. For example, 5 years, or 10 years.

The only way you destroy that potential is if you intentionally or subconsciously sabotage your rapport with her. This would mean doing something that gives her the impression you are a total @$$hole. It doesn't mean distancing yourself from her if you leave on good terms.

People tend to be fairly dynamic in that their goals, wants, needs and perceptions change over the years, especially between the ages of 12-25.

It's not uncommon that people who could only be friends in highschool have changed by the time they are in their mid 20's that when they meet again, a more indepth relationship is possible between them.

Relationships are very time dependent. For example, it's entirely possible that if you meet someone at one point in time, they will prove to be your enemy, but if instead, you meet them at another point in time, they will prove to be your soulmate.

There is a movie called "Big Fish" and in it there is a character who is initially presented to the viewer as a little girl. She is convinced she is the soulmate of the main character. She appears throughout the movie at different times and different ages but she always meets him at the wrong time. The lesson we are left with, at least in her mind is, she either met him too soon or too late.

But then again, sometimes the potential for a relationship with someone just isn't there, was never there, and never will be there so you shouldn't put your love life on hold hoping that someone will "come around" in 10 years. In 10 years you might not even be into this girl and it's nice to be able to get the social experience while you can. Most men on here find it's easier to talk to women when they are not attracted to them so that you really aren't interested in other women you should take the opportunity to speak to them. It will benefit you in the future I think.

Don't tell him to find someone else. It doesn't work. Trust me. Happened to me and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die and I'm in my 40s.

~Kate