I need someone to guide me

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I've been living alone for the last two years but now, more than ever, I feel like I can't function alone, that I can't do anything right. I often feel like I can't feel at ease with making a decision without someone giving me the thumbs up for it.

I moved to a new apartment recently and for several days felt aggrovated and uncomfortable with the change, so much so I nearly called off the move. But a friend of the family took a look for me and he said it was fine - since then I've been grand. However now I'm having problems with the old apartment, the landlord wants to deduct my deposit because I didn't clean the kitchen appliances well enough - had someone have looked at them beforehand I would have known to do a better job at it.

They're just two recent examples. To me it just feels that I can't do anything right alone and need someone to help me along with everything.

Maybe you could let him know how helpful that was for you, or maybe you already have, and maybe he would either be willing to do the same with other matters or either suggest or help you find someone else to do some of that in the future.

Oh I have, and I do at any time that someone helps me.

I can rarely call upon my family as none of them live in the area anymore, my parents, two brothers and my sis live 180 miles away while one brother lives about 60 away. But I hated living where they are (but not the actual living with them) so moving back wouldn't be an option for me anyway. But I also have zero friends of my own here.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Some landlords don't want to give the deposit back. I remember my first apartment the landlord would always talk down to me and ragged about the stove being filthy when I hardly remembered using it. My apartment now I have been such a good tenant my landlord has not gotten upset even if my rent was mailed a day late. Give yourself time to adjust and make sure your familiar things are about you to bring you more comfort. When I travel I have my music or movie I play as background noise to make me feel more at home.

Yes - make sure you call your local tenants' organization (your municipality, city, etc. will probably have the number) and see if they can help you get your deposit back; it doesn't cost a full month of rent for someone to clean your appliances. This is a typical trick of some unscrupulous landlords to keep a deposit. Tenant advocates are likely to be able to help you.

Yes, it is usually your responsibility to leave the apartment reasonably clean when you go - but you are only liable for whatever cost the landlord actually incurred in getting it clean.

It is easy to get overwhelmed when everything is new. Give yourself a week or two in your new surroundings before you try making any major decisions - and remember that most people check in with friends or family member over major decisions like moving and setting up a new home. From your short description, I'd say what you're describing isn't a failing, it's part of being social.

I was there for just over two years and never had an ounce of bother with the landlord (well except the time a Polish national living above me had her ID card stolen and I was questioned over it, but we all were). So this hit me hard.

I'm terrible with confrontation, if someone has a go at me for long enough I will literally break down and cry. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to live at all when it's this complicated.

Those kinds of days are hard...but remember, they are temporary. Things get better, even for people with real challenges (sometimes this takes a while, give it time.)

As for the confrontation, get help. Google tenant's rights in your area and find an advocate (or maybe even a disability rights advocate) to do the confronting for you - explain your challenges. You could also do the confronting yourself via email or snail mail or through a lawyer.

I think you're having a rough time.

I agree, some landlords will find any excuse possible to deny your deposit money. The last complex my husband and I lived at was losing money and they gouged us for everything they could. I cleaned the place thoroughly (I had read the lease and knew what the expectation was) and they still tried to charge us for a bathtub and sink. Don't feel bad, it's not you.

If you have trouble with confrontation see if you can find help (tenants group is good, I wouldn't bother with an atty - probably not worth the cost). I would also strongly suggest some assertiveness training with a good counselor or therapist. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone who is taking advantage of you, and there are ways to approach this that aren't intensely confrontational. It takes some practice and you're worth it.

Today was very difficult. The landlord never phoned me so I phoned him.

He claims I caused €2,000 worth of damage - cooker, carpet, curtains, table and chairs, sofa. None of these were new when I moved in.
Said the toilet wasn't screwed down to the floor (it never was).
Said the shower was filthy yet then said he hasn't even looked yet.
The carpet was questionable when I moved in.
I had paid for the whole month but moved out on the 16th, all he is offering me back is the two weeks I had overpaid, and he is acting like he's doing me a favour.

I got on to a tenants agency and they've booked for me to see them on Thursday next. So I won't know anything until then. But if that fails I think it's a case for the small claims court. I felt horrible today thinking about it, once again questioning my ability to live alone. I'm not sure it's even about the money anymore, he's basically telling me I'm a dirty person and I refuse to take that.

steevie, you did great! Nice work - and, considering the landlord flubbed and let you know he hadn't been there - of course you are in the right. Now all you have to do is get to the tenant's agency and find yourself an advocate to help with the rest of it.

Feeling horrible is one thing: the actions you are describing show that you can, indeed, take care of yourself. I've found that in my own struggle, feelings tend to lag behind action and change by quite a long margin...but they do eventually stop bothering you. Your ability to look at things logically is an asset in that regard. Keep at it and ask for help when you need it!

Unfortunately, thanks to Ireland's backward property laws which favour landlords, I'm stuck!

I got some legal advice but apparently I was in what's known as a "part 4 tenancy" as my fixed term lease had expired. I was there for two years and the lease was just for the first year. So despite the fact my lease said 28 days notice, I actually should have given 56 days. Therefore any attempt to sue the landlord would be dismissed on this technicality and in actual fact he could then counter claim for the "damage" over and above the deposit.

I'm absolutely livid but there's nothing I can do.

I once had a situation where my wife and I had lived for 10 years, but we only had a lease for the first year or at any other time the landlord needed one when applying for a loan to purchase yet another property ... and I was able to use that need of his to help keep my rent from going up every time my wife and I *did* sign a new lease.

Keeping up with all the details can sometimes be maddening, but at least now you know exactly where, why and how you actually stand.

Today was a very difficult day where everything that's been troubling me had overwhelmed me.

I've had problems with the new place too. I'm getting an intermittent sewer gas smell several times a day in one corner of the living area; this then spreads out for about a minute or so. Secondly, the letting agent arranged my standing order on the wrong account so my second month's rent has been paid into someone else's account. They said they'd get it back for me but it hasn't happened yet. I've also been having aches in my shoulders and legs lately.

I really regret doing this. It just feels that everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. Today in work I also got a computer returned under warranty and I began to question my own abilities. With everything in my head I almost cried but tried to keep my composure as I was in work. For the first time in a long time I was asking myself how the world would be without me.

Hang in there, stevie - and take help wherever you can get it. I am certain the world needs you, even if you don't see it today.