I feel stuck a bit

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It's about 6:15 AM, and I'm not feeling so happy right now. I tried to sort of 'type it off me' when I was on the forum yesterday evening, but somehow that's not working out. I'm getting overwhelmed by these big spells of anxiety, plus feelings of inferiority/insecurity of self, and general mood swings ranging from pretty happy to pretty down. I also think maybe I'm overcharging myself. But I've seen a couple of people in my vicinity overcharge themselves, and maybe I'm just 'emulating' that, and talking myself into the notion that I'm overcharging myself, and not really doing my best. Ever since a couple of months, I have avoided any kind of structure or routine or schedules, because I'm afraid those will end up dominating me, impair my sense of adventure or spontaneity, and would turn me into some kind of robot. As a result I do all my things (studying, relaxation, hobbies) on the whim, without much structure. I've also been told by the people who advice me - some psychologists, but especially the people who support and advice me in my workplace (it's sort of in-between work that's supposed to cater to people who can't find a regular job easily, but it should help prepare me for a regular job anyway) - that I should take it easy and not do everything at once. Some have even flat-out told me that they don't think I'll be ABLE to make it into university, which is a very, very sensitive topic for me, because I have been looking forward to university for years. I'm 23 now, I'll be 24 next year, and I still haven't finished the exams that should get me access into uni.

Aside from this, there's some more tension at work. Something that's maybe a bit childish of me is, I had a colleague I liked very much, who left the day before yesterday. It was a nice goodbye, but I find I'm going to miss her more than I expected I would. (I haven't ever considered it an option to maintain contact with her after work, however, and still think it isn't. I'm too socially insecure). At the same time, there is another colleague who feels very uncomfortable around me simply because I'm quiet and aloof. I've tried to be nice to him, saying good morning and goodbye to him every day, but that's not enough for him. He thinks I'm creepy. Now, I should mention that this guy probably also has something mental going on, because a significant number of the people who work at my workplace have had psychological issues (it's part of that particular project). So summing that up, bit of stress at work. One of the supervisors apparently is also fed up with my autism or my attitude, and refuses to talk to me on a personal level these days. Talks were attempted between the three of us, but that sort of caught me by surprise, not being able to prepare proper answers, and it didn't lead to anything. Now they've both closed the door for me.

I generally feel useless because I have not been able to continue my education down the regular path, and have dropped my old hobbies in the stressful period of 2003-2008. I tried to pick them up again last year and this year, with little result. I get refused for even the simplest jobs because of my lack of experience so that adds to the feeling that no one wants me or needs me. I have been unable to make friends even though I've attempted to broaden my social interactions by joining various things and I even visited several pleasant events/gatherings. I have been looking for like minds, going to meetups, following a class I'm interested in, joining an organisation for field biology... I find it's hard to connect to people, and I feel so very distant from everybody. This week I haven't bothered to study my Mandarin lessons, because I appear to pick it up with relative ease while my classmates struggle a bit more. I also worry I'm cramming my life full of things I could possibly do, which I all can't fit in the right time slots.

I think that's about it for now. I'm a wee bit more calm after typing all this down. Advice would be welcome, of course, but I'm not really typing this one to seek advice (I have done so in the past), just... if there's someone around who understands, that's nice enough. I don't have many people off-line who I can talk to about this. Only my mother, but my conversations with her are getting stale of late and I also don't want to bother her with my problems/issues all the time.

Thanks in advance, you guys.

Unusual for me to post the second post in my own thread, but thought I'd update a bit: am now about to go to Chinese class half an hour from now - feeling a bit better now, I had a good, pleasant day at work, and a colleague had a very nice gift for me.

I think I'll keep this thread open... Usually when I feel better or get cheered up a bit, I just leave it there and go on like nothing happened. But now that I feel these moods come and go, I think that, even though I'm feeling well right now, I might feel bad again pretty soon. And when I do, I'd feel a bit more comfortable if I had WrongPlanet to talk to every once in a while. Before, I used the other forum I frequently visited to cheer myself up or to talk about my worries, but I've fallen out of love with that forum and I no longer feel like I 'fit in' there.

Thanks again.

I think you would feel better about yourself if you wrote down your feelings everyday. You can even make an online blog if you want others to read them. I understand what you are going through. Don't ever give up. The strongest people are put through tests of will. You are being tested but be happy and try to reach your goals everyday, love yourself, no one can take these things away from you.

Thanks very much for the reply, SaNcheNuSS. I had meant to revisit this thread earlier, but I was occupied with other activities.

This isn't the first time I've felt like this, but it is the first time that it's scaring me how I can't seem to get out of it. How I seem to return to these feelings. I had hoped they'd disappear forever once I'd started doing more things I really liked.
I'll take your advice and attempt to write down my feelings when I get the chance. For feedback purposes, I prefer the forum to a blog however... I'm just not very good at weblogs, and in my opinion, a thread feels a bit more personal and accessible in the back-and-forth interaction between posters.

Well, I can identify to problems, two 'demons' if you will, that could stand in my way in feeling happy or comfortable... and the first one is that I have come to dislike myself over the years. I often consider myself lazy, egotistical, insensitive, even cruel.
Then, there's the state of the world. I turn on the news, and all I hear is disaster and strife and death, as if the world and society are spinning toward their doom without there being anything that can be done to reverse it. Looking at such a dark world is also very demotivating to me.

On the plus side, I have attempted to participate in things that are enjoyable and meaningful to me; getting more involved with the local organisation for field biology is opening my eyes to what I can do to help preserve ecology, for example. But at the same time, all the things I have done/accomplished recently, travelling to Germany, taking my Chinese course... I am left with a strange feeling of dissatisfaction. As if I'm not accomplishing enough. This could be perfectionism, though.

Lately, several people (who are not particularly close to me) have suggested I might talk to a therapist on a regular basis. As it is right now, I'm not interested in therapy. This opinion may change in the future, but I prefer to talk to my mother about my problems, or to others I know and feel comfortable around. I feel I wouldn't like talking to someone who keeps their distance from me as per their job description.

I'm feeling so-so at this moment. Didn't get to do everything I had planned for today... I'm ready to get some sleep.