frustrating life, another episode

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Today i am so angry and sad. My Life is f****d up, i am so sure i have aspergers. I’m 29 and never got a girl friend. I look quiet good and nobody can understand it. I hated to study, but I finally got my masters degree. I thought everything will be better when I start to work. But now, after 2 jobs, I can’t deny that I am not normal. Social interaction makes me so damn wasted (or whacked? I’m not native english): the first job I quit because I thought my colleagues and the company are crap. Two weeks ago I reduced working time in my new job to 30 hours, but it’s still to much social interaction, it’s still not to bear anymore.

Three month ago I found out that I have aspergers. I now start to study computer science, but I hate it. i think I have no other option, if I don’t want to live on welfare or become depressive or burned out. For the next 3 years, I have to work part time in the software company where I am right now, because I don’t want to be a poor student and because it’s good for my career (right now i hate the software engineer career). Maybe I can work there if I got my bachelor. I have to suffer the social exclusion and I won’t have anytime for myself for the next 3-4 years.

My grandpa has aspergers and one of my cousins has it for sure (he dumped his study and want to be bycicle mechanican, besides that he only needs listen to a song one time and can play it on the piano, but can’t read any notes) and certainly some more family members (including my mother). But no one is diagnosed yet. I get my diagnosis – and hopefully some help – in march.

I feel that I have wasted my life because I believed the others, who said I am normal. I feel that I should have screamed louder about my problems. But I was not stubborn enough. Years ago after i began to study I went to some psychiatrists and told them my problems, they thought I’ve got adhd (concentration problems) and some anxiety disorder (today I know its mostly sensory overload). I believed them and after a half year I ended up in a closed mental hospital pumped full with methylphenidate and venlafaxine. the doctors there diagnosed paranoia schizophrenia and told me that I don’t have adhd. But I didn’t had any hallucinations and I didn’t hear any voices, which are the main differences between schizophrenia and autism. They gave me zyprexa for the next 3 years and told me I am normal and everything will be allright - I believed it. I believed it so hard that I ignored my problems until 3 month ago.

And now I recognized that I am a 30 year old psychopathic long-time student, poor, never had a girlfriend and only got other psycho friends which tolerate my inappropriate social behaviour more or less, more less. Thank you life!

A psychopath is a person doesn't feel guilt. Psychopaths are basically evil people. You are most likely not a psychopath.

Anyway, all you have to do is read posts in "The Haven" and "Love and Dating" sections to see that you are not alone in your types of problems. Asperger's makes life difficult for all of us. Fortunately, the human lifespan is pretty long and you still have plenty of time to improve yourself and your life. Though you'll never look like a teenager again, you can stay looking good for a pretty long time if you just take care of your health. Your problem with getting a girlfriend probably has to do with problems with body language. I'd see a psychologist for that.

Your life hasn't been a waste so far if you've made any sort of progress. As you've gotten a master's degree, had two jobs, and finally figured out that you have Asperger's, you have made progress even though you aren't satisfied with it. At least you have bragging rights and something to fall back on with the degree, right? And at least the jobs taught you something valuable about your personality. At least you've found out about the Asperger's. It's better now than never.

thank you!
user22

I kinda know how you feel about the love life thing. I've never been on a date. I rarely hang out with my friends. (but they are mostly normal and just really nice people). I don't understand body language either, but most of us here don't. Lately I have been trying to read up on body language and understand it.

I don't really have any experience with work, but I hope that you can go back and get your bachelors. Hopefully soon I can get into a good college and do what I love. I hope you can do the job that you love.

I also have extended family with autism spectrum disorders, but they are all young, and trying to get help for it. I, on the other hand, just turned into and adult, and all my parents energies were focused when I was young. (The time when I was malleable, supposedly not now). So, I can understand kinda getting a diagnosis later in life. I mean, they always saw something different about me, but I wasn't formally diagnosed until I was 13, and I , myself didn't understand until I was 15/16 years old. I also was normal, until they started dating, and that always separates me from everybody else. Perhaps, like me, you looked normal, until the social cards (especially romance) came out.

It doesn't sound like you are a psychopath, it just sounds like you were dealt difficult cards, and are really frustrated with them.

I really hope that it gets better for you. I was luckily given parents and a lot of adults who care about me. That support system is going to fall when I go to college, and I hope I can get through it. It sounds like you were never given a support system, and that really stinks. Thats why I LOVE this site. Every time I feel down, or like no one in the world could care what I say, I go here. People read, and people respond. Thats what I hope you can see, and feel better with.