My friends sort of treat me like crap. Sort of.

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First off, I just have to say that my friends aren't b*****s to me or anything. Well, they kind of are, but in a different way.
I'm a teenager (16) so of course I want to fit in.
The thing is, I can deal with shifting my personality around to get along better with my friends. What's really hard is that I feel like I'm just not on the same "level" as them no matter what I do. They hug each other and say what they want and be themselves without really considering the other person. I am the recipient of 100% less hugs and I'm so afraid of what I'll say (Friend X will laugh but Friend Y will cringe and so on...). I feel like crying when no one laughs at my stupid wisecracks, but Friend A says something crude and disgusting and I just...laugh. Pretend I'm okay with it. If it were anybody else, they would say what they really feel, they might say, "Ew, that's freaking disgusting." Good for them. I can't afford to do that because while the rest of them will always have other people to hang out with. I don't.
It just...sucks that I get really caring when they need it but I have no one to care for me when I'M down. I could be miserable as hell but they show up and I have to be all happy for them. I'm not saying any of this is their fault.
I just want some reciprocity, for crying out loud. I may try a bit TOO hard to be considerate, but I really would like to feel like I'm being given some effort. I'm always trying to suite the person's needs--if they're happy, I'm happy, if they wanna b***h about something, I'm all ears, etc. When I show visible signs of sadness, I have about 8 seconds to catch their interest before they move on to something else.

I don't expect a positive reaction here because I probably sound lame and whiny, but I'll deal with the abuse tomorrow.

Right now, I'm just so frustrated.

I have patchy social skills. So, when I was 16 and even into my 20s, I was more mature than friends and classmates in some ways, and presumably less mature in certain other ways (and like anything having to do with autism, it's hard to be aware of what you're not aware of!). Okay, I was often used as kind of the "father confessor" role. And I was happy to help, but as you say, some reciprocity would be nice. It sure would. I'm thinking if you could directly ask in one or two sentencse, 'I'm pretty upset about something. I'd like to put it on your shoulders.' And then try and be open and accepting if the friend (potential friend) is in a place where they just can't do it, and that's the hard part, for it certainly seems like they could if they tried, but maybe they're not in the right place emotionally, or the right frame of mind, or it's just not registering, or maybe this is right at the edge of their maturity and they're only occasionally making a foray into this new skill set. So, ask directly and briefly and then try and let it go if they can't.

In years to come, you will have new and additional groups of friends, and you might well stay friends and stay connected with some or all of the people in this group, too. If I had it to do over again, I would make more of an effort to connect with the artistic kids (esp. theater) and with the political kids. Attending political meetings, 'I'm here to learn. I'm not going to make any definite conclusions.' Even so, it takes a while to get integrated into a new group. Even with good skills.

I can see where you are coming from.

I am guessing that your friends may not have the vaguest notion when you need them though. When you seem to be fine all the time it would be hard for them to see you need someone too. From my own experience, friends I had didn't percieve I was hurt or sad easily and perhaps you may be the same here.

Although, it could also be possible that they are not capable of being there for you in the same way you are there for them. I was friends with this one girl and was always there for her 'dramas' but whenever I needed her she'd listen to me cry over the phone and then when I was able to tell her what was wrong (usually I was feeling really seriously bad) she'd interupt with her issues (usually trivial). After a while I found that I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship no matter what I put in. She wouldn't invite me out to socialise even (despite me saying clearly that I needed to go out). I had to cut her off because she wasn't able to meet any of my emotional needs.

It is hard to find the balance between meeting anothers emotional needs and indicating about your own emotional needs.

I believe learning to deal with that is the key to all of this, and I begin by thinking of different "frequencies" rather than of different "levels". In other words: I first refuse to consider myself either "above" (better than) or "below" (less than) anyone else.

Then, some people are far more inclined toward "transmitting" (talking) than "receiving" (listening) even though "two-way" is what they might actually believe they are doing ... but then even that can be subject to the ever-changing (or at least situational) "rules of the air".

Bottom line?

Look for people who truly *want* to truly communicate. There are few, but finding them makes the search worthwhile.

I think it is not so much wavelength as analogous to polarized light - others vibrate at right angles to me.

Anyway, evileyes, best diagnosis I have, be on the alert for different friends. There ARE people around you can relate to - may take some time to find the, but gradually you run into one another.

I've had the same problem with people comming to me with all their problems and then never being there for me when I'm down. It's okay to get upset when someones complaining to you, your not their therapist. Furthermore, your not likely to be able to get much support from other people with your problems, so I wouldn't look for that. Maybe theres a guidance counselor or someone you can talk to when your having issues so you don't have to lean on your friends.

Just try and meet as many people as possible, it can be hard. I've found in life that people meant a lot more to me than I meant to them. You just need to try and get involved in different things and try to be around different people all the time, and then you'll gravitate toward the people that really are your friends.

If they really are your friends, they will take you as you are and you don't need to pretend so much around them. Everyone has to do it from time to time of course, but you shouldn't burn yourself out trying to act. Your just going to end up being miserable.

Ohgosh, didn't expect there to be any positive feedback ="D I'm relieved and happy. I guess I just feel terribly oppressed because I can't always be who I really am. My friends aren't awful to me in the normal sense, I just get frustrated because they are so at home with themselves in a way that I never will be.

But I guess all of us are in that same boat, right? I have fun with my friends, and I hope to tough it out for another year until I get to college and maybe, just maybe, find people I don't have to be hyper-aware of =)

Change friends.

I did when I was around your age, I was "best friends" with the schools top dude and then he started to hang with other people as a addition to our little group of buddies.They didn't like me much and tried to bully me, while my friend was alright with me they weren't and so the next day i just stopped communicating and being around them.My friend decided to stick around his new friends, he later realized they were total morons.
During that time I had found another old friend from middle school that I reconnected with and he's been my friend for 12 years and running.
My old friend who made the stupid choice of sticking around the imbecile crew later left them a couple of weeks later and found a more fitting circle of friends.
I wasn't mad at him nor shunned him when we used to meet up at parties but I gave him a look that said "You f****d up buddy..." and in response he gave me a " Yeah, I did" kinda look back. He tried to rekindle our friendship flame at parties and act like all was well, as it was but I no longer felt the need to share my thoughts, talk nor be around him anymore.
I've never been around "bad" people, It comes naturally to me. The ability to filter out the mean spirited and insecure ones.

Never had a bad friend in my entire life.


Do what you want... but if you can't be yourself and express yourself around your "friends", guess what they are not your friends.
(Or they are but need some advanced friendship parenting and lecturing, but I'm way to tired to get in on that right now, + they are young and maybe not that bright so it might not work, the things I have in mind.)

Just be honest with all (with the world), cuz if you can't be yourself then what's the f*****g point? Stop bending and breaking to become a jigsaw in their puzzle.


::EDIT::
Fun fact:
One of those ill willed friends killed her self, don't know how and why. But I can guess, the sadness gnaws and eats on us all.
And another one started taking steroids, doing cocaine till he built up a huge debt fled to Spain where they tracked him down and hanged him by the neck with a fishing line.

Stay Frosty. good night.