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solo
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23 Jul 2012, 11:19 pm

I am just totally lost. I am sitting here trying to type and my mind is just blank. No matter what I do I just cannot seem to grasp what most people take for granted. I finally started trying to figure some things out about my life and that is what led me to learn about Aspergers, which I self-diagnosed myself due to it being able to explain a lot about myself. Plus taking the online tests and always scoring really high in the Aspergers section.

I am just really depressed with how my life / social life has turned out. From a really early age I tended to keep to myself. Had some friends going through school, then as the school years progressed, had less and less. I have a few "friends", but nobody I can actually talk to and wouldn't redicule me. I really think differently than anyone I come in contact with. I have no self esteem and don't stand out. I have been alone for so long that it hurts. I really feel that it is too late for me to ever be happy. Always in the back of my mind and never goes away.

I have always been one to help others. I always go out of my way to help someone, take care of them, be there for them. I do it to the point that some take advantage of me. I am always friendly to people but I never make any connections. All I want is to be loved and love someone but this has eluded me my entire life. Unfortunately I am a hopeless romantic so that doesn't help the situation. I just cannot grasp the concept of making that connection with someone. I am so lonely all of the time. I am absolutely invisible to women, no doubt about it. I haven't figured this out either. I am not ugly (I don't think) I am physically fit, deciently muscular, not some loud obnoxious a**hole, I am respectful, have manners, etc. Just extremely shy. When I walk in a room, women just look away, never make eye contact, or just don't know that I am there. If they won't even look at me or notice me, how am I even soposed to start anything? I cannot just go and tap them on the shoulder, or wave my arms around, or run around with a siren or a billboard. Those are the only ideas I have that may at least get them to see me :roll: Unfortunately I am not some smooth talking underwear model. I have never had a girlfriend, and no friends that are women. I did one time but sad things happened, contact was lost and last I heard she was murdered. Only girl that ever accepted me.

Even if I ever managed to find someone that wanted anything to do with me, I see no reason why they would ever want a relationship with me. My social skills are absolute crap compared to anyone my age. I don't think I have anything to offer unless they were looking for someone who would do anything to keep them safe and happy, be there for them, love, dedication, commitment, faithfulness. I feel like a waste of space. I am a 27 year old virgin :wall: with no social skills who lives at home. I live at home because I invested a lot into my business and cannot afford a house big enough for all of my equipment. This shyness thing is a b***h to overcome. Only thing that women have noticed about me is that I own a business, have some pretty nice rides, and have some $ in the bank. All people seem to look for in me is a way to get something from me. This is a huge turn off and is one reason I am a hermit. Hell, I don't even know how to kiss :oops: What women wants to deal with a guy like me? I have been looked down on before because my line of work is blue-collar and not "acceptable" to most. Not something thay would want their friends or family to know about. My interests are all over the place, cars, antiques, nature, documentaries, animals, thinking. I don't relate to people my age at all, only people that I do are 60+ years old. They love me. My older customers I can talk with for hours. People my age are not interested.

I thought that maybe it was my personality. I have been known by people my whole life as being one of the nicest most helpful people they know, but nobody wants to get to know "me." I had the bright idea to start smoking weed and hoped that would change me. I did heavily for 6 years untill I almost died since I messed something up inside me that makes my heart not work correctly sometimes. Then kept going back trying to burn the pain and who I was away and had 3 other "episodes" untill I finally decided to just be sober. Also did this with alcohol and had alcohol poisoning once, lots of passing out, etc. I don't do anything anymore since I realized that I was only temporarily removing the pain and as soon as it all weared off, I was back to where I was. Had thoughts of ending, running my car into a pole, but never could or would do it.

I am just uncomfortable in public since I have never fit in, so I don't know how to meet people. I have tried meeting someone through craiglist a few times but it is just full of weirdos. I wish I could meet a shy aspie girl like myself, maybe that could pan out. I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote this. It looks like a bunch of random thoughts jammed into something that resembles the shape of a paragraph. I guess with nobody to talk to I just needed to vent somewhere. All I want is love...

Sometimes I think that if there is such a thing as past lives and karma, I must have been some evil bastard in a past life because s**t happens and goes wrong for me daily. Anyone with some words of wisdom, or a magic wand?



redrobin62
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23 Jul 2012, 11:32 pm

2wheels4ever
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24 Jul 2012, 12:43 am

Wow OP signed up on my birthday.

This post resonates with me in some areas, almost a sense of deja vu.

I want to say though that it's good you've figured out your niche before reaching 30, very few people on the spectrum do. When I was 27 I had absolutely NO idea I'd be doing what I do now, at that time I was trying to get my music career off the ground (with no plan of how)

Also when I was 27 I got a partner for the first time; I sort of had to leave my expectations at the door though. If I had not expressed to her my desire to be official I would probably still be involved. But let me tell you if you're holding out for The Real Thing, ie marriage, she won't laugh at your inexperience if she has any integrity, and if not, why would you want to be with someone who didn't?

Also, no shame in doing the blue collar thing, it's an honest gig, and other honest people appreciate the effort we put in. Be proud and don't cut corners; everything will come around.

And welcome to WP


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outofplace
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24 Jul 2012, 2:27 am

Sorry, I have no magic wand to wave in your direction. All I can offer is that your story is similar to mine except for the owning a business part and the negative consequences to using marijuana. I am 38 and have never had sex either. Mostly that is due to me not wanting to have sex with someone just because they felt sorry for me. I have had it offered several times but by people who were not interested in anything but having sex with a virgin. I just didn't feel like being used like that and besides, it's against my faith to do so.

All I really have to offer you is that you shouldn't lose hope. Now that you have a plausible explanation for where you go wrong, you at least know what you are probably doing wrong. Try to work on that and see if you can't make some improvements to your style of socialization. It's going to take time but you should be able to improve. I know that I have. I am still a bit awkward but now I don't have to deal with being constantly treated poorly. Learning the subtleties of certain situations helped a lot with that.


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Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic


helles
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24 Jul 2012, 5:20 am

Welcome to WP

solo wrote:
My interests are all over the place, cars, antiques, nature, documentaries, animals, thinking. I don't relate to people my age at all, only people that I do are 60+ years old. They love me. My older customers I can talk with for hours. People my age are not interested.


This is one of the things that I find to be the most positive about my aspergers (I am pretty sure it is one of my Asp traits). I keep an open mind to many things, new knowledge, new experiences and also an fairly open mind to people (but I do have to be careful, I am very bad at reading non verbal cues, gets me into trouble sometimes). I do insist on being interested in natur, antiques, heavy metal and tatoos - a concept many people do not seem to grasp (I consider it to be integrity or autencity!). Abselutely nothing wrong with many interests.

Have you ever considered to join some sort of nature society, birdwatching, botany etc. A lot of "weird" (for me a positive word) come to these sort of things. Many of them will be more intersted in the subject than the behaviour/looks of their fellow enthusiasts. I am a biologist, and I am pretty sure that many of the people I know or have known form my time at univeristy were somewhere on the spectrum.

By the way, I normally relate well to old (well older than me :) ) people.

Helle


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CockneyRebel
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24 Jul 2012, 8:54 am

Sweet Pea hugsImage


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