Mixed Signals

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I've been having trouble sifting through some mixed signals I've been getting lately and am very frustrated. I can explain more if necessary but am trying not to cause I tend to rant.

get it all out. Venting will make you feel better. Don't be ashamed.

I agree with SaNcheNuSS. The Haven is a place dedicated to things like this. If you need to get something out, go ahead, we will listen and try to give feedback.

If you don't feel like venting in public, you can also PM me. Don't be shy, I'll try to give you what support I can.

Well, it starts w/ my biomom saying she feels we need 2 reconnect. (I have 2 moms) But if I say stuff they assume I'm putting myself in danger. An example is recently I mentioned something I need for a cosplay/costume for an anime convention (a black bra top) and ended up getting lectured that I could be raped at an anime convention. She said I "don't know what the "real world" is like" and that I could be pulled into a janitor's closet, car etc. and it would be too late. Part of it was she said "I CAN'T dress that way and go out in public." (I would just be running around with friends dressed up like complete idiots for fun) I tried explaining that I now carry pepper spray and don't go places like this by myself, etc. This does not work. Than she constantly says she is glad I have friends . But every time she speaks it sounds like she's saying I can only ever rely on her and her partner and not a single other human being outside the immediate family unit.

They also does not want me to EVER drink w/ friends (even though I only would do this once I'm legal). She's referred to trying to pick my gyno as well (which is why I've been pulling away and trying to figure out ways to take care of things on my own). She is also asking why I don't introduce my friends. I just constantly have the feeling that she will never trust me or the choices I am making. She claims she is glad I have my own life but piles on the "your vulnerable" guilt too often for me to take her seriously Their are also discussions on safe non-penetrative sex like once a month . She also does not believe I am honest about my sexuality blah blah blah... I feel like I could develop these areas more naturally without her butting in (I'm freakin' 20 years old, but I can't figure out a nice/adult way to say but out & keep a connection?)

My mom claims that she wants me to be independent; as I do. But only started being okay with the idea of me driving recently, has suggested I get a permanent job at her school multiple times and I am the only child who is permitted to live w/ parents permanently . (I have 2 NT sibs who did NOT get this offer.) She also now seems to thinks I have a boyfriend (he's just a good friend) and keeps asking me questions about him and has suggested inviting him to go to dinner. But than she goes in2 the strange anti-sex crap again. UGH

Sum up of the time period from 1st going to college to now: went from (do not get in a car w/ anyone w/ a penis- we're glad you have friends-your vulnerable ). Now she's ok with me getting into a car with a male human whose not related (cause I have multiple times and am still a virgin).
Though I feel like I'm constantly on repeat when it comes to the weird sex stuff.

I feel their are some things I have to learn on my own to grow not just b/c its a part of life but b/c my autistic perceptions are not the same as hers and I need to learn to function MY WAY. How can I be expected to "Reconnect" if I feel like I can't safely confide anything w/o them assuming I have been or (as of now) will be sexually accosted?

Hmmm... to me it sounds like your mother tries to talk to you quite a lot about the risks of sex and of putting yourself into a situation in which you might be sexually taken advantage of. Do you know whether she has made some bad experiences of this kind in her own past? Not neccessarily being raped, but maybe she was pushed by a boy when she was not ready for this kind of thing and now she is worried that something similar might happen to you and you'd have difficulties dealing with it because of your being on the spectrum? That would explain why she is so persistent on this particular topic.

Apart from that, she does sound a bit overprotective, which is probably because she is uncertain how much you can deal with as compared to your NT siblings. From what you wrote, I'd also guess that your siblings are older than you and parents often get a bit overpotective towards their youngest child. They also tend to have more difficulties to let their youngest child move out and live his/her own life than they have with their older children. Even if you are not the youngest child (child strictly in the sense of "offspring", I realize that you are an adult in every other respect) in your family, your being on the spectrum could make your parents try to take particularly good care of you like most parents do with their youngest child.

I think the best you can do at this point is to take care of as many things as you can on your own and show to your mother that you are trustworthy and competent. I now that situations like this can be trying, but the only way to make your mother understand and respect your ability to fend for your own is to demonstrate it. In other words: You are on a good way.

I have a rough idea of what cosplay is about, but maybe your parents don't understand it. In my family we had a similar issue when I took up pen&paper role-playing. My parents couldn't imagine what that would be like and were worried every time I met with my RPG group or went to a convention. This was solved by my inviting my RPG group to our house one day and playing right there in the livingroom. My parents watched for a while, decided it was boring and left. After that they obviously decided that role-playing games are not dangerous and they have never mentioned it again.
Maybe there is a cosplay convention taking place reasonably close to where you live and you can invite your friends over and prepare together with them and let your parents watch? Taking them along to the convention and letting them have a look around might also help. Even if they don't want to actually enter the rooms of the convention, from my experience with RPG cons I'd guess that some participants hang out in front of the location and an interested bypasser can catch some vibes.

I don't think it can possibly hurt to let your parents get a better impression of what you are doing when you're cosplaying. My own parents obviously had all kinds of weird ideas what happened during my RPG sessions, like binge-drinking or doing drugs, but once they saw what it is really like, they calmed down a good bit about this particular topic.
I'd say, go for it. But maybe better not pick the friend who prefers to dress up as a warrior with spiky blades all over his armour. That might not convey the right impression.